» Guilty Laughs

My nan died a couple of years ago...
It wasn't particularly sudden, she'd been unwell for a long time. She'd always been tiny, 5 feet tall in her prime & never more than seven stone. The day she died she weighed just under four. Anyway, my uncle & brother had gone out somewhere & my mum was in the kitchen & it was just me & my tiny, frail nan alone in her living room, the telly was on & it was showing her favourite programme, "Street Crime UK" & some Smack-head was being arrested & kicking up an almighty fuss, screaming & shouting & fighting for all he was worth & I heard my nan, in a barely audible whisper, say something at this Mancunian Junkie. Fifteen minutes later, she passed away. She never said anything after uttering those words, I was the only one who heard them.

Later that day, I went to see my little sis who was understandably devastated. We sat & talked & I told her that I'd been there just before she went, & how she died watching her favourite programme. "Oh yeah" I said, "I know this is a bit weird, but I heard her last words as this smack-head was being arrested on telly". "What did she say"? asked our Meg... "Dick Head", I replied. Through tears of laughter & sadness, we sat pissing ourselves for about 15 minutes
(Sat 24th Jul 2010, 3:08, More)

» Prejudice

Bob Dylan Fans
Not Bob Dylan, not people who like Bob Dylan, oh no... Fucking Bob Dylan fans! There's a world of difference. I like some of the music of Bob Dylan, despite a brief period a few years ago of having him rammed down my fucking throat. Anyway, nothing makes me want to punch a dog more than the inevitable scenario that always pans out whenever I mention him...

Bob Dylan fan- "Oh, so you like Dylan?"
Me- "Yeah, only really started listening a few years ago but yeah"
B.D.F- "What's your favourite song"?
Me- "Tangled Up in Blue"
B.D.F- (& this is where I start to hate them) "Oh, you like his main-stream stuff"?
Me- "Why, what's yours"?
B.D.F- "Oh, you probably won't have heard of it, it was the B-Side on a rare Japanes import from 1968 & they only made 94 copies & they where all destroyed in a fire in a shoe shop in Tonypandy 7 years before it was actually released. It was during an experimental stage where he only ate yams & did a face a bit like Nick Berry from Heart-Beat when-ever he went near a Spanish bus."

I fucking hate the fact that they believe themselves to be musically superior because they spent time pain-stakingly researching an artist who your supposed to like anyway. They'd be more adventurous if they hated the fucker! Most don't actually like him, they just feed off the pretentiousness that comes with being a boring cunt-stain. If there so bad, why did they become main-stream? BECAUSE THEY WHERE THE MOST FUCKING POPULAR!!! They where his best songs. Eat my piss you wankers!
(Fri 2nd Apr 2010, 0:48, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

Oh Jamie, Jamie.
I'm a big lad. I'm 6ft 2 & arond 19-20 stone. I'm bloody lovely & soft as shite but I do have that menacing look about me. Anyway, around this time last year, I was just leaving my local Thoroughgoods when 2 young kids were messing about in the doorway making it awkward to get out. "scuse me matey" I say in my chirpiest voice & turn to one side to let them in, they apologise & enter the shop & I turn back to leave. The next bit seemed to go veeeeeery slowly. Standing in front of me is there papa, none other than Liverpool legend & local resident Jamie Carragher! He's by no means a small fella, but when I'm standing on a step adding 8-10 inches to me & as wide as the door frame, even "Our Jamie" as brave as he is, looked like he'd just shit in his pants! We both stood in silence for the longest 2 seconds of my life! "Sorry Mate" I said panicking whilst trying to still look cool, & stepped aside. "Aaah, thanks mate" said Jamie, stepping inside... I didn't leave it at this. Trying (& failing) to be cool as fuck I say the gayest line ever "No Jamie... Thank you" just stop Dr Fishfinger, pretend you where taking the piss, he won't know! NEVER!!! The next bit capped off the the most bullseye-esque (good but shit) moment of my life... I patted him..... On the arse! Then I just walked away, he didn't say a word.
Apologies for length & shitness
(Wed 22nd Apr 2009, 14:18, More)

» Sticking it to The Man

Fucking Safestyle UK!
For months, these bastards kept ringing me, offering me free estimates etc, after a bajillion no's, I hit upon a brainwave... Say yes! Appointment made, unfortunately for them, at a time when I'm in work. Phone call the next day, my grovelling apologies, another appointment made. Not home. 3 months I did this for, 3 fucking months, & the stupid bastards just kept coming back again & again!

It eventually stopped when I got bored & explained to the lad on the phone that for the last 3 months, I'd been wasting their time, man power & money by making them come to my house & not being in (or sometimes just ignoring them) on purpose. His response? "You could have just said no". I did mate, a bajillion times, you didn't listen, so I did this!

No contact for 2 years now! Like a dream
(Fri 18th Jun 2010, 2:10, More)

» Ouch!

By popular demand- The black head in my penis story.
I mentioned this in my other story & it got alot of attention, it's not the worst pain ever, maybe top 5, but anyway, here goes...

(Wavy lines)

When I was about 13-14 & during one of my very frequent erections, I noticed a tiny, tiny bump on my penis. Being a greasey teen, I knew what a blackhead was, I just didn't know how the fuck it got there! So as with any black-head, I thought to myself "pop it"! I tried, it hurt, I couldn't, I left it. I thought nothing of it, but always noticed it when I was, y'know, "Touching myself at night".

Anyway, time passed, quite alot of time infact, 2 years to be exact, & it was still there, it had grown, it was still to painful to pop despite numerous attempts. I'd even tried popping it using a pin with no joy! Then one day, I'd had enough. I'm not sure what inspired me to do it, it wasn't painful or uncomfortable, but I wanted the fucker out, & I wasn't gonna rest till it was. So I went for it! Erection caused, I placed the fingernails of my index fingers either side & I squeezed. Hard. It hurt, it hurt alot, but I kept squeezing, probably for nearly a minute, it was agonising, but I wasn't giving up. Then I felt it, it was like a mini eruption, but it was out finally.

I looked down at my fingernail & on it was a thing. A browny, yellowy green thing! It was huge. Well, not huge as such, but huge considering it was in the skin on the shaft of my penis! It was the size of a small ball bearing, about 4-5mm in diameter & the relief I felt now that it was out was immeasurable. It was then I looked down at my now flaccid penis, & was shocked to see a trickle of blood entering my pubes, clearly eminating from a small but very visible hole. I was very light headed all of a sudden.

Length? About 6 inches if I round up!
(Thu 5th Aug 2010, 13:13, More)