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» Losing it
The Voices
I'd decided after 18 years of smoking that it probably wasn't a great idea for my long term survival so quitting was the way forward. I was too lazy to bother with seeing my GP and had heard wonder stories about a new drug, Zyban, which was developed as an anti-depressant but was found to help people quit the tabs so thought sod it I'll just buy some. Off I went and scoured some american drug sites and the magic pills were procured (about £120's worth for a month if I remember correctly).
The idea is you take one a day for a few days then up the dosage to two for the remainder of the course - you don't attempt to quit until a week into the course once the happy chemicals have filled your brain with rainbows.
All was going well for the first few days, fags had started to taste foul and I was confident of quitting when the time was right - then I upped the dose.
Sat at my desk at work outside the MDs office I started to rush as if I was coming up on an acid trip - this was totally unexpected but not wholly unpleasant - in fact if I wasn't at work it would have been ace but I had to keep a lid on things so I let my colleagues know what was occurring and simply sat there gurning happily to myself for the next half an hour. Things settled and I returned home and despite my reservations took my second pill of the day. I felt a little strange and had a quickened pulse but not too bad so went to sleep hoping it was just my body adjusting to the mood enhancing drugs.
Roll forward a few hours then BANG! - I'm awake sat bolt upright in bed, heart pounding, can't catch my breath, full on panic attack. Mrs Catkiller shot up soon after and helped calm me down, breathe etc but despite being calmer I still felt distinctly weird and spaced out. I laid back down again and that's when they came - THE VOICES!!!
It was like someone was bent over me whispering in my ear and in a clear voice that wasn't mine it ordered me, very firmly to "Push her out of the bed" Now that may seem pretty amusing and we do laugh about it now but at the time it completely shit me up - once again I'm sat upright on the edge of the bed panicking but unlike previously this time I had the Army of Darkness to contend with.
For anyone who hasn't seen Evil Dead 2 Ash, the hero, has his hand possessed but that's childsplay - I wasn't in control of either of my arms - it felt like they had a mind of their own and it wasn't in a good mood. It was all I could do to hold my arms in check and not allow them to carry out the orders that The Voices were barking in my ear to do the Mrs harm.
I had to get out and, ironically, have a cigarette to calm my nerves. I managed to calm down and eventually get back to sleep but I'm not sure how well Mrs Catkiller slept that night.
In the morning the pills were binned and the voices never returned but for a short while I think this fully qualifies as losing it.
(Fri 22nd Jul 2011, 9:12, More)
The Voices
I'd decided after 18 years of smoking that it probably wasn't a great idea for my long term survival so quitting was the way forward. I was too lazy to bother with seeing my GP and had heard wonder stories about a new drug, Zyban, which was developed as an anti-depressant but was found to help people quit the tabs so thought sod it I'll just buy some. Off I went and scoured some american drug sites and the magic pills were procured (about £120's worth for a month if I remember correctly).
The idea is you take one a day for a few days then up the dosage to two for the remainder of the course - you don't attempt to quit until a week into the course once the happy chemicals have filled your brain with rainbows.
All was going well for the first few days, fags had started to taste foul and I was confident of quitting when the time was right - then I upped the dose.
Sat at my desk at work outside the MDs office I started to rush as if I was coming up on an acid trip - this was totally unexpected but not wholly unpleasant - in fact if I wasn't at work it would have been ace but I had to keep a lid on things so I let my colleagues know what was occurring and simply sat there gurning happily to myself for the next half an hour. Things settled and I returned home and despite my reservations took my second pill of the day. I felt a little strange and had a quickened pulse but not too bad so went to sleep hoping it was just my body adjusting to the mood enhancing drugs.
Roll forward a few hours then BANG! - I'm awake sat bolt upright in bed, heart pounding, can't catch my breath, full on panic attack. Mrs Catkiller shot up soon after and helped calm me down, breathe etc but despite being calmer I still felt distinctly weird and spaced out. I laid back down again and that's when they came - THE VOICES!!!
It was like someone was bent over me whispering in my ear and in a clear voice that wasn't mine it ordered me, very firmly to "Push her out of the bed" Now that may seem pretty amusing and we do laugh about it now but at the time it completely shit me up - once again I'm sat upright on the edge of the bed panicking but unlike previously this time I had the Army of Darkness to contend with.
For anyone who hasn't seen Evil Dead 2 Ash, the hero, has his hand possessed but that's childsplay - I wasn't in control of either of my arms - it felt like they had a mind of their own and it wasn't in a good mood. It was all I could do to hold my arms in check and not allow them to carry out the orders that The Voices were barking in my ear to do the Mrs harm.
I had to get out and, ironically, have a cigarette to calm my nerves. I managed to calm down and eventually get back to sleep but I'm not sure how well Mrs Catkiller slept that night.
In the morning the pills were binned and the voices never returned but for a short while I think this fully qualifies as losing it.
(Fri 22nd Jul 2011, 9:12, More)
» Performance
The balcony fool!
In the early 90s I was at St Georges Hall in Bradford watching Morrissey and had a decent view up in the stalls, stage left. I'd seen him previously on the tour in Blackpool and it was supposedly being filmed, as a result the security staff were helpfully aiding the audience in their quest to get on the stage and fling themselves adoringly at their foppish idol.
At Bradford however this wasn't the case and everyone down in the pit were being pushed back which annoyed me for some inexplicable reason.
I decided I wasn't going to put up with this audience free performance so planned my assault on the stage for the last song of the night. 'Shoplifters of the world' had just kicked in and that was my cue to jump from the balcony onto the large speaker stack and make my way down to the stage - so far so good. The crowd roared and I felt like a ninja superfan. That's until I leapt onto the lowest speaker which, unlike it's hard wooden peers, had a canvas covering which I promptly drilled through and shaved my shins down to the bone as they ran down the inside of the case. Luckily adrenaline prevented me from crying on stage in front of 3000 laughing faces and I managed to stumble to Mozzer and plant a sloppy kiss in his ear before being dragged off stage.
It could have been so much worse and was my first and last foray onto any stage.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 12:10, More)
The balcony fool!
In the early 90s I was at St Georges Hall in Bradford watching Morrissey and had a decent view up in the stalls, stage left. I'd seen him previously on the tour in Blackpool and it was supposedly being filmed, as a result the security staff were helpfully aiding the audience in their quest to get on the stage and fling themselves adoringly at their foppish idol.
At Bradford however this wasn't the case and everyone down in the pit were being pushed back which annoyed me for some inexplicable reason.
I decided I wasn't going to put up with this audience free performance so planned my assault on the stage for the last song of the night. 'Shoplifters of the world' had just kicked in and that was my cue to jump from the balcony onto the large speaker stack and make my way down to the stage - so far so good. The crowd roared and I felt like a ninja superfan. That's until I leapt onto the lowest speaker which, unlike it's hard wooden peers, had a canvas covering which I promptly drilled through and shaved my shins down to the bone as they ran down the inside of the case. Luckily adrenaline prevented me from crying on stage in front of 3000 laughing faces and I managed to stumble to Mozzer and plant a sloppy kiss in his ear before being dragged off stage.
It could have been so much worse and was my first and last foray onto any stage.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 12:10, More)
» Things to do before you die
Similar to Me, I'm not... down there
I'd like just once to acquire the drive to focus on a target and see it through to completion. I don't even care what it is but I envy those with real passions and desires who can remain committed to achieving their goals.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a self pitying, emo whine - I do have interests and hobbies but they are all transient. I'll jump in with both feet in the initial rush, spend a load of money buying all the necessary gear, it'll consume my waking thoughts for a few weeks then...poof...as quickly as it arrived my interest has waned.
Photography, Golf(I know), Photoshop, Cookery,self sufficiency, learning to play a ukulele and more have all come and gone in the last year or two. In all instances I was going to become an expert but ended up a bit meh! - Jack of all trades and master of none.
Just once it would be nice to not be average at something, to be acknowledged as an authoritative voice on a particular subject and not let my goldfish like attention span prevent me from...oooh look a squirrel....
(Tue 19th Oct 2010, 11:00, More)
Similar to Me, I'm not... down there
I'd like just once to acquire the drive to focus on a target and see it through to completion. I don't even care what it is but I envy those with real passions and desires who can remain committed to achieving their goals.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a self pitying, emo whine - I do have interests and hobbies but they are all transient. I'll jump in with both feet in the initial rush, spend a load of money buying all the necessary gear, it'll consume my waking thoughts for a few weeks then...poof...as quickly as it arrived my interest has waned.
Photography, Golf(I know), Photoshop, Cookery,self sufficiency, learning to play a ukulele and more have all come and gone in the last year or two. In all instances I was going to become an expert but ended up a bit meh! - Jack of all trades and master of none.
Just once it would be nice to not be average at something, to be acknowledged as an authoritative voice on a particular subject and not let my goldfish like attention span prevent me from...oooh look a squirrel....
(Tue 19th Oct 2010, 11:00, More)
» Bizarre habits
1,2,3,4
Counting, or more specifically, counting to four. I've done this since childhood - counting paving slabs as I walked to school and it's progressed into adulthood but now I count either cars that I drive past or lamp-posts but they always have to be evenly spread - either two on the left/two on the right or four on the right/left.
I'll speed up and slow down just to ensure this happens - if it doesn't I'll tweak the criteria - shutting my right or left eye so I don't see the offending vehicle - my game my rules.
I didn't know this was OCD behaviour until I was in my late teens when discussing this with others apparently singled me out as a mentalist but to be honest I quite like it - it passes the time on long car journeys.
Oh and one other slightly related point - assymetry drives me potty - I don't care if Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie were offering me a menage-a-trois (what? it could happen!)- if they were wearing assymetrical dresses it would just make me itchy.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 15:40, More)
1,2,3,4
Counting, or more specifically, counting to four. I've done this since childhood - counting paving slabs as I walked to school and it's progressed into adulthood but now I count either cars that I drive past or lamp-posts but they always have to be evenly spread - either two on the left/two on the right or four on the right/left.
I'll speed up and slow down just to ensure this happens - if it doesn't I'll tweak the criteria - shutting my right or left eye so I don't see the offending vehicle - my game my rules.
I didn't know this was OCD behaviour until I was in my late teens when discussing this with others apparently singled me out as a mentalist but to be honest I quite like it - it passes the time on long car journeys.
Oh and one other slightly related point - assymetry drives me potty - I don't care if Cameron Diaz and Angelina Jolie were offering me a menage-a-trois (what? it could happen!)- if they were wearing assymetrical dresses it would just make me itchy.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 15:40, More)