» The Dark

Halloween 2007
For a little background, I live in a fairly rural area. When it gets dark, it stays dark. None of these mod-cons like streetlights for me.

So anyway, it being Halloween, I’d spent most of the day drinking and watching movies that put me on edge. Following that, me and a few mates decided to hit the town then back to mine. Sofa, so good.

Got a taxi back and the only thing between myself and home sweet home was a quick walk up my lane. Any other time of year, this wouldn’t be a problem, but at this point I was rather jumpy. After a couple minutes of walking and silent reassuring, the familiar, welcoming glow of home came into view, leaving us feeling more relaxed.

Then, 2 noises in quick succession:
1 – The piercing scream of a shadowy figure jumping out towards us
2 – The unmistakable sound of 4 teenagers soiling themselves in horror.*

After half a second of rooted-to-the-spot fear, fight or flight instinct kicked in and I punched our would-be scaremonger/rapist right in the throat.

As it turns out, I had punched my father right in the throat. Daddy dearest thought it would be hilarious to jump out at us, with screwdriver in hand, and scream like a banshee.

Didn’t sleep much that night, but after boxers were changed and dad regained the ability to breathe, all was good in the hood.

*Messing of pants may or may not have taken place.
(Wed 29th Jul 2009, 15:41, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

For me,
It's always unexpected when a woman pulls her pants down.
(Sat 30th May 2009, 0:03, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dearest Amy
He beat you about and is a drug dealing scumbag, please stop going back to him. He's your ex for a reason. I know that you're both fucking each other 3 doors away right now, you will get messed about again, trust me. If he hasn't left by 6, i'm going to punch him square in his neanderthal face and tell his new girlfriend about his antics.
Kisses to your mother.
(Tue 9th Mar 2010, 13:23, More)

» Public Sex

Not too shabby for an 18 year old
On a pier/jetty type thing in the middle of the afternoon.
Under a bandstand, with a man looking on in the same afternoon. In my defence, I didn't know he was looking on at the time.

In a field. Full of nettles and thistles. I was fine, but she had many a small prick in her backside, if you'll excuse the tedious pun. From experience, running away from a stereotypical looking farmer, pitchfork included, with your jeans around your kneecaps is not as easy as it looks. Like in that episode of The Simpsons, I was expecting a serious ass-forkin'.

Two sessions of some oral lovin' against a derelict shed in the corner of a park. Caught once. By a local drunk. Was heartily cheered on by local drunk.

On New Years Eve, up against a wall, in the wrong hole with the ex-ladyfriend. Someone shook my hand during. It's probably the closest i'll ever get to having a threesome.
(Tue 28th Apr 2009, 0:32, More)

» Famous people I hate

Apart from the famous people already mentioned a dozen times each...
Gina Yashere. Yes, you're of Nigerian descent, we get it. It wasn't even funny the first time.

Andy Parsons. Or. Anyone. Who. Thinks. It's. Acceptable. To. Talk. Like. This.

Anyone off of The Hills. Especially Spencer Pratt. Total fuck-knuckle. Sums up everything I dislike in a person.

Madonna. Put your vagina away, at least for the sake of your children.
(Mon 8th Feb 2010, 21:43, More)