» Why will you burn in hell?


A week before this happened, Jakes dog ate pineapple hair conditioner from the bathroom and was sick everywhere..
I was over there, purchasing some fragrant herbs and spices for relaxing the mind, body and soul.. Whilst dividing and measuring the merchandise, half dropped onto the floor. Jakes dog went into full scavenge mode and scoffed the lot. We tried everything but that was one stubborn dog. Jake being quite the experienced herbalist, (stoned out of his tiny little gourd) fed the dog the rest of the conditioner to try and make it sick.. It kind of worked, the dog threw up bubbles for about half an hour, and then proceed to fall into a crazed dreaming lying down sleep state.. The poor thing survived, and lived for 7 more years, but was never quite the same as before..
I'm going to hell for watching the proceedings, stoned, and laughing constantly at a seriously stoned dog throwing up bubbles..
Feel guilty just writing this down.
Drugs are bad.
(Thu 12th Jul 2012, 21:26, More)

» Water, boats and all that floats

bail fail.
I went sailing in a plastic type yacht thingy. I trod on the automatic bailer and it fell out the bottom of the boat. The boat then filled with water so I started bailing with my shoe whilst trying to reach the shore. I dropped my shoe into the water and it sank, so I used the other one. the boat sank further and then capsized, so I abandoned the other shoe, fell into the water and swam to shore. I then walked four miles home, shoeless and soaked to the skin. Then I got a bollocking for sinking the next door neighbors boat. I dont sail any more.
(Thu 1st Nov 2012, 21:56, More)

» Ignorance

fum ducker.
I just can't put the name in as the face palm still stings today...
A friend of mine was converting a recipe for his missus- imperial to metric. Flour, sugar, etc.. She comes out with the stupidest thing ever EVER said.. 'whats "one egg" in metric?' I almost burst a bollock laughing...

Another one- I told an ex I was going to Norway with work.. She said 'oh, that's good.. You'll come back speaking norneseian'. I respectfully told everyone we knew after laughing constantly for about a month..
(Fri 31st Aug 2012, 17:35, More)

» Home Science

scayerlextrick
I connected my scalectric car up to the mains using the lead from my radio-
Method
1- pulled off the track connector from the car,
2- took the motor leads off it, and
3- stripped them using the standard 'between the teeth' stripping method..
4- Then poked them into the radio lead holes.
Results/conclusions
The car went about 2 feet very fast.
The car caught fire
I panicked
I picked up the car and threw it in the bin.
The bin was metal. Win.
The bin was full of paper. Fail.
I picked up the bin, flames getting bigger.
I ran through the house with the 'experiment'
Out into the garden and tipped it out..
And stomped all the bits out. My dad was sleeping on the couch at the time.
I cried a bit..
Then rinsed the bin out and cleaned off all the soot.
Then restored order to the house.
My dad wakes.
'why does the house smell like burning?'
'Eeeerm, next door had a bonfire...'
'why are all the windows open?
'Eeeeerm, I liked the smell...'
'Oh ok you silly twat- close the Windows'

Got away Scot free.. But the blisters really did hurt like fuck for weeks afterwards!
Unsurprisingly I'm an electrical engineer now.. Things haven't changed much....
(Mon 13th Aug 2012, 20:32, More)

» Sex Toys

the pool cue.
A friend of mine once used the stock end of a pool cue on his missus' lady parts.. He insists he cleaned it first- lets give the 'lady' a chance.. Once finished, he put it back in its case and forgot.. Until about 3 years later when he entered a pool tournament and took the cue with him. The smell was genuinely unique, think seasoned oak and mackerel.. He didn't win.
Length- standard cue.
(Thu 17th May 2012, 12:47, More)