» I hurt my rude bits

As part of a magical trick
i put my brothers cock into a dominos box, then slammed the sliding door shut.

No idea as to what kind of magic i was trying to perform, but i believe i was still quite talented for a 4year old
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 21:36, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

"experienced java programmer..."
Although i am a capable programmer in 'c' and 'assembler', all the companies seem to want java. So I added it to my CV and downloaded a book on it.

Come interview and i'd been doing it for 2 weeks (half-arsed, but enough to blag it.

What I wasn't expecting was the "Tell us about something you had to learn quickly, and how did you cope..."

"Well I recently put on my CV that i could program in java however i...only started....it....shit..."
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 1:27, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

I rather enjoy
pretending I have something of interest in my empty hands...getting my dog very excited about what it could be, then throwing 'it' at the nearest wall.

I'm not sure what i find funnier, the way he runs full pelt into the wall and headbutts it, or when he then continues to try and find what i've thrown.

Actually, I think it's the fact I can do this 10+ times in a row before he gives up!
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 10:01, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Not me but a friend (honest!)
I have a friend Matt who has visited several people he has met in chat rooms.

1) He went to London for a few days to meet up with a girl he had been going out with (online) for several months. When he got there, so was her boyfriend. He tried to cop off with her mate, failed and came home.

2) (and this is my personal favourite), he went to stay with a 15yr in Crete for a week (he's 19). Her parents weren't too happy he was there apparently, but his parents gave him spending money to go with.

The whole time he was gone, we were imagining possible newspaper headlines...

"desperate loner dies in search of friends"
"loner raped and murdered by big fat hairy man, whilst in search of companions"


Oh the disappointment on his return....
(Mon 20th Mar 2006, 13:46, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Ah well
On a family holiday to Bournemouth (yay!) my grandma announced (very loudly) "Its just like being in Africa", when we were all stood on the station platform surrounded by black people (for some reason we were the only white people on the station that day)


Also my mum is a gold mine for silly things to say:
here are some off the top off my head:
"Red sky at night, shepards delight, red sky in the morning, shepards pie!"

Whilst driving down the road "I forgot the car keys"

"I know someone who's legs fell off" - turns out they had their arm amputated

"If you get buy one get one free, it works out cheaper as you get more for less. thats right isn't it?"
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 11:53, More)