» Awesome teachers


Age 14-15, school camping trip to France which had turned into the usual total nightmare for the teachers. Basically a group of 30 kids who would find any excuse to sneak off and get drunk or stoned by any means necessary. Some of us fancied ourselves as a bit more mature one night, so after curfew donned the Gallini t shirts, found a bar in town that didnt ask for ID and sat there with a freshly poured pitcher of lager, and a Galloise each acting like big men.

Barely had i sipped at mine when a tap on the shoulder and there is Mr W, my maths teach glaring down at me, a somewhat scary sight it has to be said. He looked me square in the eye as he picked up my pint and downed it in a impressively seamless one take,

"Nice of you to buy me a pint Matty, now you lot get your fucking arses back to the campsite, before you REALLY fucking piss me off".
We did exactly that whilst he and one of the other teachers settled laughing into the rest of our pitcher. Bastards.

FF 4 or 5 years years and I'm out on the piss in the local town on a weekend back from Uni when again i get a nudge and turn to see Mr W. He slaps me on the shoulder, winks and says,

"i never did get my round in in France, did i? Nor did i get you one for getting an A in maths, what you having?"

Bought me two pints, shook my hand and said well done. Good bloke.
(Fri 18th Mar 2011, 12:57, More)

» Sexism

Women and genitals.
Male Circumcision = not a big deal. Its traditional and possibly cleaner. He wouldnt feel it at that age and anyway if he does wind up with a desensitised helmet when he reaches sexual maturity, hey he'll just last longer. It'll be a GOOD thing. Shit he might even thank us for it. It was good enough for his dad....etc etc etc......

Female Circumcision = OMG Horrid. You vile monster for even bringing up the subject. NO justification WHATSOEVER and anyone who doesnt think so should be shot on the spot.

I dont disagree, and i do appreciate that the two things are not identical, i just think both are utterly cuntish things to do to a child and neither are okay. Women seem more often to have a very imbalanced view of it, especially here in N America where chopped lad = norm. Poor Bastards.
(Sun 3rd Jan 2010, 3:24, More)

» Good Advice


Late Gramps:

I met all sorts when i were in't'Navy, and I'll tell you what. It dont matter if you are black brown yellow green or purple, what matters is if you are a wanker or not.
(Wed 26th May 2010, 4:11, More)

» Real-life slapstick


Some years back i worked with a Welsh bloke and one night he's over at our shared house and a gang of us are having a few bevvies. Anyway he starts telling us (not entirely without incredulous retorts), all about how he is a pretty good break-dancer, actually boyo, and is a bit of a name for it back home, which is of course a red rag to a bull for the rest of us. We start daring him fairly mercilessly to prove it, so he mans up to show us what urban dance chops they DO teach in rural North Wales.

Throwing on a cd, we sit back and watch as he he starts dancing a bit and then goes for a strong opener of one of those moves where they dive headfirst at the floor, called, i believe The Caterpillar

Time, of course, just fucking stops.

Eyes widen all round as he contacts the carpeted floor cleanly with his forehead. His feet are still somewhere up near shoulder height, fuck knows where his hands are, NOT where they should be presumably, and the thud you felt in your gut rather than heard. He collapses with what sounded like a huge sigh and, lies still-ish on the floor, almost but not quite unconscious, and mumbling.

Cue a bit of actual concern and a couple, ahem, of laughs. Mr Welsh sits up with a bit of help and mumbles something about not having done that move for a while and how we should all fuck off, bunch of cunts etc. He sits back on the sofa, where we all noticed a 2 inch thick red welt forming aggressively in a vivid reddish purple from his hairline, past his ear and down his neck about level with his chin.

Poor sheep shagging bastard had about a week at work of explaining how he copped the mother of all cheap nylon carpet burns right on his face and even had to give a talk looking like he fell asleep using an exhaust pipe for a pillow.

Length? About 7 inches.
And he never did get round to demonstrating the Cambrian Headspin.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 23:51, More)

» Books


i'm a huge fan of Ian Banks, in both sci fi "M" mode and the more general fiction ones. The Crow Road, Wasp Factory and Whit, in particular float my boat for the general. And Consider Phelebus, Player of Games and Look To Windward for the culture books.
even his one non fiction book about scotch, Raw SPirit, is well cool.

I'm also a fan of the Ian Rankin Rebus Books. Gritty fun and rebus is a badass good guy.

and Bill Bryson, that guy has cost me more nasally extruded coffee than most other writers combined, AND is fucking interesting as well. Bonus. A History of Nearly Everything might just be the finest laypersons science book out there.

Now in terms of science, Dawkins is hard to beat, but one guy that can do so IMSHO, is Carl Sagan. Cosmos is awesome if dated, The Varieties of scientific expereince is simply beautiful, and Demon Haunted World is in my sincere opinion, a book that everyone with a brain should read.

Worst book i ever read was probably The Bible, fucking rubbish. i mean worse than Dan Brown/Stephanie Myers type bad If i want a guide to life book book with a morally questionable main protagonist but which trys to teach you a novel way to live your life whilst absolving yourself of all responsibility for your actions, i'd much rather go with Lucas Reihardts The Dice Man. It was far more fun, consistent, and coherently written.

scuse length. i read a lot.
(Fri 6th Jan 2012, 4:19, More)