» Surprise!

Suprise reaction!
I have 2 sons, when the youngest was a baby, I thought I would play a trick on his brother.

Getting a clean nappy, and putting some (if memory serves me correctly) nuttella into it, I walked into the front room asking my wife (who was in on it) what she had given the baby for lunch. She said I do not remember, work it out for yourself....

So sticking a finger into the nappy and having a taste, I was about to declare the result when my older son retched and puked so violently it now reminds me of the WI woman on Little Britain.... it was loud and continuous.

The 'suprise' was on us, we were expecting an 'ew dad, that was gross', not something resembling the Exorcist! We were genuinely worried that he would turn himself inside out!

tl;dr Young children can be incredibly sick when you pretend to eat baby shit!
(Sat 6th Apr 2013, 9:03, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Not loving it!!
This may sound very contrived, but this really happened and I still cringe about it with the people concerned about a decade later!!

Many moons ago I worked as a delivery driver for a sandwich shop in Lincoln and one day I was asked to pick up the daughter of the owner from nursery, take her to MacDonalds and take her home to watch a dvd (101 Dalmations) until her mother came home.

Having taken her to MacDonalds, and managed to get her name wrong on a couple of occasions (to which she replied, 'thats not my name' very loudly) she then asked at the top of her voice "I am bored, can we go and see the puppies now?"

The atmosphere changed very rapidly, and I imagine I went a very nice share of red!!

For those of you in MacDonalds at the time, it certainly wasn't what it looked like!!!
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 8:48, More)

» Drunk Shopping

Lepidoptera
I was once drunkenly browsing an on line forum for fans of Lepidoptera. Their shop allowed you to have your own personal favourite printed onto a tshirt.

I spend ages looking for the perfect design, but gave up and spent a couple of hours in MS Paint designing my own. I woke up the next morning thinking no more about it.

A week later a parcel arrived containing a tshirt with the most hideous pair of wings on it, a really awful creation.

It was only when I was laying in the bath later, that I realised that I had accidently pasted my own moth.
(Tue 15th Apr 2014, 21:33, More)

» Made me laugh

Whoops!
Remembering this story is making me grin like a chimp again!

My wife was bending down sorting out some laundry when my 8 year old son decided to walk past and pretend to fart in her face... for a bit of a laugh.

What actually happened is that he lifted his leg and let off the loudest fart I think I have ever heard.... I am sure that birds on the other side of the planet scattered.... now I have to say that time seemed to stand still, as the realisation of what he had just done dawned on the guilty party and the recipient... I mean, really stood still.... I felt like I was going to have a stroke as I tried to keep the laugh in... tears rolling down my face... my son was stood there like a deer in headlights (sheer terror on his face) and my wife had the sort of face that could only be described as 'psychotic'.

Still nobody had moved.... my son then cleared the stairs (I think in one leap) my wife in hot pursuit, leaving me to laugh hysterically... when my wife returned downstairs I had to put on the straight face again (very hard - I do think snot bubbles were caused in the attempt) and I think I found this hysterically funny for at least a week afterwards, just closing my eyes and visualising the two faces, captured in time.... I am struggling to type this (apologies for length, but I am typing between guffaws!)
(Fri 7th Dec 2012, 12:48, More)

» Public Nudity

Its not fun to pee at the.....
Many moons ago I had the opportunity to stay at the Lincoln YMCA for a few weeks before I reclaimed my marbles and got my act together.

One incident that has scarred me for life was the following....

We were all sitting in the foyer where there was a pool table and assorted chairs for the less fortunate to relax between giros.... what happened next will stay with me for ever... one of the local alcoholics was a lady who must have been in her 70s, perhaps even her 80s, she approached the glass foyer doors and proceeded to turn around, lift her skirt and place her arse up against the glass and piss like a race horse... now while this might seem quite ordinary and even fapworthy to many of you, because of her age/proof level she was extremely skinny but had huge piss flaps which proceeded to attach themselves to the glass like a limpet which then splayed like a yawning hippo. (Imagine, as some of you might have done, sticking your mouth on a window and blowing to make your mouth huge)...... this was over 20 years ago, and worryingly is one of my only memories of that time
(Sat 19th Jul 2014, 21:49, More)