» Random Acts of Kindness

A dark winter evening
and I'm driving home from work. At one junction, there's an old fella, dithering and faltering at the side of the road, obviously trying to cross but having trouble judging a safe interval between cars. "Poor old fool" I thought, then in a pang of guilt, I pulled over, got out of the car and went over to him.

He was an elderly West Indian gent - pork-pie hat, grey overcoat, short silvery beard. As I came up to him, he was muttering "Oh god... oh me god... damn ting, damn ting..." And as he turned to me, I saw he was very, very drunk.

"Come on mate, let's get you across here" I said, stepping out with one hand raised. The cars stopped, and I led him over. "Oh god..." he muttered "Where am I?"
I smothered a laugh. He hadn't wanted to cross the road. In fact he didn't know what he wanted. With a sigh, I led him back across, and over to my car. He got into the passenger seat well enough, and I asked him where he lived. "Oh god..." he muttered, "I never drink again... never again".

I couldn't get an address from him, only that it "wasn't far." So we ended up driving around the streets nearby, him saying "No, not dis one... there, over there.... oh god, no, not that... oh god I never drink again..." - and me giggling as quietly as I could.

Eventually we rocked up at a house he recognised. I helped him out, and to the the front door. He rang the bell, and a short, stout, very fierce-looking old lady opened up. I started to explain "Is this his house? He's got a bit lost..."
"GET IN HERE YOU BAD MAN!!" she screeched at him; and he sheepishly entered. She glared at me, gave a curt nod, and shut the door. I walked back to the car in fits of laughter, imagining the bollocking that was now in progress. A dreary winter night considerably enlivened.
(Fri 10th Feb 2012, 23:26, More)

» Biggest Sexual Regret

It's what I didn't do...
She was a friend's younger sister. Just 18, about to go to Uni, a pocket sized blonde with big blue eyes, saucy smile & not a straight line on her. I'd appreciated her in a purely theoretical way to date. But now she had a teenage crush on me.

Me? 12 years older, and in a serious relationship, with my soon-to-be fiancee. So when this lively little blonde made her tentative approaches, I gently put her off.

Pleased with my maturity and fortitude, I told my girlfriend of how I had manfully resisted the temptation.
:Oh, she's really cute" she said. "I'd have given you a weekend pass for her."

Bugger, fuck and bollocks.
(Fri 9th Dec 2011, 0:26, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

Buying Stilton at Morrisons
Lovely blue-veiny (oo-err) cheese. The lass at the till scanned it, then stopped.

""ere, you wanna tek that back? It's mouldy innit!"

Bless her.
(Thu 10th May 2012, 16:18, More)

» Bizarre habits

I MUST switch off unused electric sockets
To stop the electricity leaking out.
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 13:44, More)

» Celebrity Encounters III

Iain M Banks
Sadly missed, for some reason always came on book tours around my birthday. So I have a collection of first edition hardbacks signed:
"Happy Birthday!"
"Happy Birthday! (again?)"
"Happy Birthday!! (AGAIN?!)
etc.

Had a beer with him once too. Lovely, funny, clever fellow; died far too young.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 20:56, More)