» Caught!

i wasn't caught but i have to tell the story
My wife works as an employment law consultant (basically she helps small firms sack rat boys and wasters alike) anyhow here's a cracking one of a ratboy getting caught.
This idiot (lets call him ratty) started work on Monday and by Tuesday had pissed off people enough to have a review that afternoon. Ratty was mouthing off to other workers that he would spark the supervisor in the meeting when they were alone so my wife advised to install cameras for recording purposes (as long as they told ratty that the meeting was being recorded), the meeting started and ratty was told during the meeting evidence was provided and the supervisor and hr girl left the room giving ratty enough time to read the evidence. He didn't even bother but he proceeded to take his knob out and dip it in the tea the supervisor left behind. A scream was heard so the supervisor and HR went to investigate. In the report my wife showed me the supervisors statement said "Upon entering the room I saw 'ratty' dancing on the spot holding his penis whilst my cup of tea was smashed against the wall"
They reviewed the video and ratty was sacked on the spot.
The best is yet to come - Ratty not having the balls to tell his mum why he was sacked said to his mum that they just didn't like me, so she marched him back down to the offices only to be shown her darling little ratboy dipping his knob into a cup of tea....
(Mon 7th Jun 2010, 8:30, More)

» Guilty Laughs

I see deaf people...
I can't help it....
I'm a sick man.....
send me to hell....

But I laugh (uncontrollably) at the way deaf people speak.

The episode in Glee where the deaf kids sing Imagine, oh how I laughed.

or the time I worked at the Disability Rights Commission, I always left meetings with a contorted face, trying to hold the laugh in.

I even know how to sign - this doesn't make it better, I'm truly a bad man.

Worst of all (and this does send me to the 5th circle of hell) was the time I pretended to be a deaf person...

I was in this pub that had a very strange queuing rule - a straight line that started at the centre of the bar and worked its way through the pub, each side of this queue were empty bar spaces. So I staggered up to one of these empty bar spaces, without any consideration for the queue and proceeded to wait there until the barmaid asked me what I would like to drink.

During this waiting period, some patron was shouting at me "the queue is here mate" etc etc. This went on for some time, until this idiot came over, tapped me on the shoulder and said..

"Are you deaf or what? the queue for drinks is back there not here!"
I immediately turned around and in a deaf person's voice/accent said "Sorry I can't hear you, I'm deaf". The look on the guys face (as I also accompanied the statement with sign language) was priceless.
(Tue 27th Jul 2010, 15:25, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

I always like to.....
Polish a glass under the table (in a wanking motion) whilst staring at ladies / kids / young boys etc, and when the inevitable look of disgust appears, gently raise the glass to the light.
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 14:50, More)

» Bad Management

This one boss...
Back in my in between uni year summers I worked in a ceramic factory.

It was a local firm that made ceramic pieces that cleaned various metals after industrial production, and my boss was a cunt.

He wasn't one of those bosses that rode your back he was one of those bosses that tried to fit in with the lads and always failed miserably, there were many a tumble weed moment when he tried to crack a joke because it either referred back to bestiality and paedophilia, now there are times and places for jokes but when someone brings in pictures of their new born what you don't want to here is..

"I bet she would look good on my cock"

Basically a social misfit who had managed to get through life without ending up on G wing in Strangeways.

Down at the local pub he was always on the bandit whilst his fat ugly bird looking like a mong would sit watching the lights flash.

After a few weeks of bad jokes the twat said something about my brother his first mistake his next mistake he made some comments about my missus at the time and that made me flip.

I'm not one these people that strike out straight away, I plan and take their most precious thing and defile it some sought of way.

For example: At my sisters wedding, she had invited a guy who the previously week had try to hit my dad at a sportsmen dinner, an opportunity arose where I bagged his missus in the toilets and the satisfaction of knowing my child makers were dribbling down here thighs as she danced with her arsehole of husband made my year.

I digress, the wanker of a boss, his most precious thing his tool set, he would anally put all his tools back in his snap-on box every day, meticulously making sure that every piece was shiny and lived in its proper home, so I decided to snap-off one in his snap on box.

My final week came at the factory and to cap it all on my last day there the wanker was going away for two weeks thus giving me a full day to curl one off instead of quickly squatting and laying a cable in a minute.

On the Thursday night I went for a curry and downed a load of the Irish black stuff, to cap it off I had a greasy kebab before I went to bed.

On the Friday morning I had some senacot before going to work, I had to dodge a few turtle heads prior to getting to work and the pain in my bowels was excruciating (I'm a coffee and cig man for my shit trigger so always empty my bowels at 6:30 every morning).

I waddle into work like a knock kneed stripper holding ping pong balls up her chuff and managed to get round to the now empty bosses office where his tool box resided. The bastard had put the biggest padlock on it so I had to improvise QUICKLY as I was about to shit myself.

For those that have snap on boxes will realise that there are pins on hinges that can easily be knocked out if you have the right tools, I shouted to one of the lads and he quickly got the hammer and chisel from another part of the factory. I quickly knocked out the pins and stood on top of the bosses desk (it was a full length snap on box) I took the top tool tray which left me ample enough space and released my bowels. After wiping my arse on one his cleaning rags and I took a good look at my effort.

Perfect, not squit shit or hard shit but somewhere in between, two girls one cup shit would describe it perfectly but black with the odd speckle of green chilli, I was proud. I put the pins back in the hinges and left work that day knowing I had done my bit.

I got a call about 3 weeks later from my brother who told me story of what happened when he came back.

Remember this shit had two weeks of festering...

Basically boss came to work and when he opened his tool box quickly had the Managing director down to his office shouting "ONE OF THESE BASTARDS HAD SHAT IN MY TOOL BOX"
Apparently the MD didn't even say he word he went outside the office and started pissing himself laughing, laughing so much he had to prop himself up against a wall in a position that mimics the Hitler wank every bloke does in the shower.

To this day, the old boss still thinks someone else did it, so much so I got invited to his wedding, obviously I didn't go but I did buy him a wedding present, a miniature snap on tool box that contained chocolate....
(Thu 17th Jun 2010, 9:41, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

There was this time, where I couldn't wank for two weeks
I was having a shit when a hot rock from the joint I was smoking landed right on my knob.

Couldn't even have sexy thoughts because a hard on would cause the scab to split.
(Thu 24th Feb 2011, 11:38, More)