» Grandparents

Gran and sex
I was with gran in town one day and she was booking a coach trip. The girl on the counter asked is she wanted a double bed or two singles. Gran turned around and said 'A double bed please dear, my Albert can still get the job done'.

Me and the counter lass both blushed massive shades of red.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2011, 0:29, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Midgets and pigeons
A couple of weeks ago, my buddy and I were out at our one horse town fair. After gorging on funnel cake, deep fried avocado nachos and a lot of beer, it was time to piss.
We're stood there at the urinal when a "little person" walked in....which caused us both to stifle our giggles to start with, but then a pigeon flew into the restroom (kind of like a portacabin with urinals so there's a lot of open space in the roof) and landed right by the feet of the midget.
The little guy freaked out, and bent down to shoo the bird away...slipped and fell and got a mouthful of urinal water after falling face first into the trough.
That was it...Mark and I were laughing so hard we had to lean on each other for support and when security walked in and asked the little guy where his dad was - well, we were lucky we didn't end up face first in the trough ourselves.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 5:45, More)

» Winning

Mike
My local radio station runs a morning 'mystery celebrity' slot on their morning show. Basically they play a 5 second clip of a celebrity and you have to call in and guess who's talking.

Last year, every morning a guy called Mike was calling in and always getting it wrong. It got that he was automatically put through. And for 4 weeks he called in every day and never won. Us listeners were riveted and tuned in avidly..and of course we were all rooting for him. The station even did a 2 hour interview with him and discovered he had a newborn.

The Friday of Fathers Day weekend, the voice was obviously Sean Connery, and caller after caller said "Yeah, I know who it is, but it's Fathers Day weekend and we want Mike to win".

Mike finally got through....and won a $200 gift card for KMart. With the wrong answer.
(Fri 29th Apr 2011, 0:05, More)

» Beautiful Moments, Part Two

Last week I went to the UK on business and had a couple days to myself so went to London.
Wandering around some of the stores, I found a ring that I thought my girlfriend would just love....it's made of silver and is a dragon shaped head, with a ruby for the eye - she likes that quirky stuff.
So I went ahead and bought it thinking she'd love it.

On the plane on the way home, I got to thinking just how much I love her, we've been together 5 years and I realized she's the one I wanted to spend my life with and have children with.

I got home Wednesday, and took her and both our moms out for dinner to regale them with tales of my first trip out of the US. When the waiter brought out dessert, I fumbled for the ring and with tears in my eyes got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. It was a beautiful moment for me and even more so for her. All four of us were in tears and our parents couldn't be happier.

I woke up with her this morning tangled in the bedsheets, and I can't wait for the rest of my life.
(Sat 7th Aug 2010, 19:19, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Time zone difference
Being a Brit in California, I get asked lots of dumbass questions (do you have milk in England?)...a few weeks ago, I was at the bar with my boyfriend and the lovely but a bit gullible Marissa was working. She asked us what the time was, my clock said 6.41, boyfs said 6.40....so as a joke, the boyfriend said it must be a time difference thing.
Hook, line and fucking sinker....Marissa totally fell for it....I had her believing that England was exactly one minute ahead of California (cos of the international date line).
Some random English guy went into the bar 2 days later, so Marissa struck up a conversation and proceeded to tell him about the time difference.....naturally, he was 'eh, it's 8 hours love'. I got a text message from Marissa about it (while English guy was still there), and so I told her it's because I'm from Hull......bless the guy...he was like 'Oh, ok, I'm from Portsmouth, that makes the difference'. I saw Marissa the next day and she told me all about their conversation and the 'British date line' that seperates north & south, and how when it's daytime in the north it's night in the south.

She nearly fucking killed me on New Years Eve when I went in at 4pm to celebrate British new year.....

Thanks random English bloke for 'validating' my story...
(Mon 16th Jan 2012, 18:32, More)