» Narrow Escapes

Back in the teenage years
I was walking through a dark, deserted park with my bf at about midnight, talking about nihilism or some such. I was walking a little ahead and we came around a bend and there were two giant, muscular dobermans, no people in sight, coming straight at my face in a fury. I remember bracing my feet and wondering if I would have enough time to kick the first one in the jaw before he got my throat. What I didn't expect was to be bodily lifted from behind and thrown backwards by my bf as he charged forward bellowing in a voice several octaves deeper than I'd ever heard from him and bringing them to a dead stop. Just then the owner, a big black guy, came around the corner and called off the dogs. That was ten years ago and I kept the bf. Also he introduced me to B3ta.
(Tue 24th Aug 2010, 20:01, More)

» Babysitters

Don't Upset the Baby
Willie was a sweet 8-month-old with a nice family that I babysat for a couple of times.

Willie didn't like having his diaper changed. To distract him I would always make animals noises while changing his diaper. Then one day it went something like this:

Me: "Meow!"
Willie grins.
Me: "Woof woof!"
Willie gurgles.
Me: "Chirp chirp!"
Willie waves his smalls hands happily.
Me: "Ribbit! Ribbit!"
Willie shrieks in terror and bursts into heartrending sobs that don't subside for an hour, in spite of all my panicked hushings and cuddlings.

His parents never called me again after that. I can't help but wonder if they had some sort of video setup that caught me terrorizing their son with frog noises.
(Sat 30th Oct 2010, 0:50, More)

» Dad stories

Dads? Never had much use for 'em
A story my dad tells about the joys of being a father to a small me. Wavy lines:

Imagine us walking through the park together, hand in hand. A bearded philosopher in his mid-thirties with his first child, a blond, blue-eyed two-year-old skipping along beside him. She (me) stops, looks up at him with those big blue eyes and informs him:

"You're old my Daddy. You're ugly my Daddy."

Twenty-three years later I still haven't lived that one down. And somehow it always comes up when I need a loan.
(Sun 28th Nov 2010, 10:30, More)

» What was I thinking?

I can fly!!!
When I was tiny, and I mean VERY tiny, I was obsessed with Mary Poppins. My mother tells me I watched it at least once a day every day the entire year I was four. One windy day I remember thinking how delightful it would be to fly just like Mary Poppins. I put on my loveliest, flounciest gown (the blue one with little flowers and lots of lace), stole my dad's umbrella and made my way out to the "cliff" which was fortunately neither very tall nor very steep. Actually, it was a small hill. Standing at the top I opened my umbrella, looked out with a smile of perfect faith, and hurled myself forward. For just one glorious moment I WAS flying, with my lace fluttering around me and the wind whipping through my hair! And then suddenly I was sprawled at the bottom of the hill, the umbrella crushed beneath me, my lace smeared with mud and grass, and a huge red triangle missing from my knee where I had struck a rock. I still have the scar.

I can't imagine what my unformed mushy little brain was thinking, but I do remember what it felt like when I thought I was flying. Inexplicable but almost worth it.
(Thu 30th Sep 2010, 8:57, More)

» B3ta Villain of the Year 2010

Barack Obama
For being the hero we deserve, but not the one we need.
(Sat 25th Dec 2010, 13:10, More)