» Babysitters

words fail me
When I was about 12, maybe 13, me and my best friend who lived next door used to frequently pull tricks on my younger sister. We would be at the dinner table and she would nip off to the toilet, at which point me and Nikki used to put all our shepherds pie on her plate, and she would come back and eat it all up without even realising. So you can see she was pretty easy to make do things.

Anyway, my Mum and Dad were upstairs having a bath (together, vom.) one summer evening and me and Nikki were to watch my sister and make sure she didn't lick plug sockets/hit the cat/get run over (please bare in mind she is actually 10 years old at this point) etc etc. We were just sitting about playing Mario Kart on the Snes or something, when sister gets a bit antsy, and starts squirming about. Turns out she needs a poo.

Me and Nikki think it's hilarious that she cant get in the bathroom as Mum and Dad are in there, and wind her up saying she musn't go and knock on the door as she will get MASSIVELY told off, and we tell her to go and poo in the garden, obviously not thinking she would actually do it.

10 minutes pass and we are so involved in the computer game that we don't notice my sister had been a little quiet and disappeared. We realise, and call out, only to at that moment see her, in broad daylight, pants round her ankles and squatting on the garden pavement and doing a poo. Our house was semi detached in a cul-de-saq with no fencing, so it's pretty safe to say at least one family around us saw my little sister curl one out in the back garden.

My parents weren't that pleased about it at the time but now it is one of our favourite stories (although funnily enough not my sister's).

Length? About 5 inches and very firm.
(Tue 2nd Nov 2010, 12:19, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

A couple of pikeys going large
Last March I got made redundant from my marketing job in a pretty big insurance company. They were utter shits about it and employed every loophole in the book to ensure that I got sent on my way with about two pound fifty to my name. A couple of weeks into unemployment and I was feeling like utter shite, i'd had to move out of my houseshare that I loved with three other girls and move into my 16 year old stepsister's bedroom, sleeping on a blow up bed. I was NOT having a good time. My boyfriend was working for a large holiday company, red branded, owned by a bloke that owns an island, you know, that one, and one night rings me up and tells me to pack a case. Turns out he'd won a holiday to Jamaica, a Sandals one no less.

So we turn up in a Sandals resort, me unemployed and completely skint, him, not much more money, and stayed in the honeymoon suite, with butler service and a whirlpool bath and a fully stocked bar. It was incredible. Totally the best pick me up you could ask for after a proper shit month or so.

It got better though, on the day we were supposed to leave, we got told there was a pesky little ash cloud stopping our flight home. As my boyfriend was staff for this particlarly large company, we got flown to MI-FUCKING-AMI to go and 'help allocate passengers' ready for their flights home. This entailed staying a hotel, paid for, on South Beach for TWO WEEKS after our already amazing week in Jamaica and putting everything on company expenses.

Our flight home was full se we got put in Upper Class on the way back.

The best period of unemployment i've experienced, certainly.
(Fri 29th Jul 2011, 14:55, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

A New Life In Spain
I just remembered another tale which should have put me off drinking for a while, but didn't.

When i was about 19 I was really good friends with Ben. We used to go up the local pub and drink loads of shots and nick road signs on the way home, wee on people's driveways, the usual. The good thing was that we didnt want to shag each other, so we could actually be proper boy-girl-mates without that sexual tension and trying not to have bad breath after a fag etc etc.

One night we were up the pub, walking back to my house I shared with my Dad when we decided that we didnt want the night to end. "I know! Let's move to Spain!" somehow came up. So off we trotted, back to mine, I woke my Dad up to ask where my passport was and told him I was moving to Spain. He just wanted a quiet life and to go back to sleep so pointed me in the right direction and let me get on with it. I packed a bag for my new life in Spain, and we called a taxi to take us to Gatwick. We went via Ben's and he also packed a bag. We were all set.

£30 later and at Gatwick, i then proceeded to phone my work answerphone and leave a message for my boss saying I was moving to Marbella, and then rang 3 of our clients to leave them messages to the effect of 'thanks for your business, lovely working with you but im actually moving to Spain tonight'. Rang my Mum who was working a night shift and she went fucking mental, but I was too pissed to care. Sat down for five minutes while waiting for Check-in to open for an Easy-Jet flight, fell asleep and woke up at 5am, sober-ish and realised what we had actually done.

Had to get a taxi all the way back which was another £30. Didn't feel too clever on Monday when I was speaking to our clients who all found it hilarious, the best bit was finding out what we had actually packed;-

Me
1 x denim skirt
1 x spotty top
1 x tin pantene pro v hairspray
3 x pairs knickers

Ben
1 x towel
6 x pairs socks.

Still makes me laugh.
(Tue 29th Mar 2011, 15:13, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Meat Tenderiser
A couple of years ago I lived with 3 blokes who were about 5 years older than me and we had a gay old time. As the only girl I loved it and used to get to be all laddy with them, whilst wearing pretty dresses. All was good and great. Shortly after Glastonbury, one of them remembered he had a bag of about 100 pills somewhere, proceeded to dig them out and we eyed them up. Started chucking them down our necks at about 7pm.

Night ended with me and Leon in our living room, with meat tenderisers, smashing up shot glasses whilst he was wearing gold elvis glasses as protection for his eyes, and I was wearing a cat mask - where the only part of my face that WAS exposed was my eyes. One of our other housemates had to come downstairs and wrestle the meat tenderiser off me as I was saying how nice it would be to smash up our metre long glass coffee table. Aaahh, the good old days.
(Mon 28th Mar 2011, 14:43, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Tummy Buttons
My Mum and Dad always used to tell me that if you play with your belly button, your bum falls off.
(Wed 19th Jan 2011, 11:25, More)