» Random Acts of Kindness

lovely chav neighbour
Last summer I had finished university and was a couple weeks into my first proper job as a web developer. Given that the spring had gone primarily to job hunting we renewed the rent on our house by another year to save us another headache during this time. It is a row of three houses, terraced, with us (my lady and I) one the one end and a friendly but a bit trashy (possibly on the Dole) lady in her twenties and her three year old son on the other end. I say trashy because despite being very nice she had a habit of getting gentleman callers turning up drunk in their cars at all hours of the morning, waking everyone up. She also wears a LOT of that blotchy fake tan stuff, and various other makeup. Still, as mentioned, lovely girl.

One morning I am walking to my car to go to my fancy new job and I realise the window is smashed. On further inspection, stereo is missing and so is the Mac book they gave me for work.
Yes yes, I know never leave that stuff in the car. I never do normally but this day I had. Also, some would say it is my fault for leaving it there, but isn't that like saying a woman is at fault for being raped if she dresses provocatively?

Anyway, rant over. As I talk to the police and insurance dicks whilst assessing the damage, chav lady pulls out of the drive with her car. On seeing her I point to the broken window and tell her she would do best to lock up her stuff as according to the police there is a crime spree going on in the area related to the local traveler community.
I've just gone inside and got off the phone to my boss telling him of the loss when the doorbell goes. Its chav lady and she's got a car stereo in her hands. She says its a spare one she doesn't need and says I can have it. Then she left.

I went inside and sat, welling up. Just when I thought the daily mail was right, I renew my faith in humanity.
(Thu 9th Feb 2012, 18:40, More)

» Cunning Plans

I will run local campaigns to get the BNP into parliament
Then when they get elected they will deport foreigners like myself, and I wont pay a dime. I will never see another chav again, earn twice what I do here, and never again have to put up with handymen arriving "some time between noon and six".
(Thu 12th Jul 2012, 8:04, More)

» Losing it

Grandfather
When I was 8, I had a talk with my grandfather. He said "Kid, when I was your age, I was 9!"
Then he cackled madly, and threw a spoon at a window.



(shamelessly borrowed from Steven Wright)
(Tue 26th Jul 2011, 12:18, More)

» Cunning Plans

On holiday in Mallorca
It was my family and another family sharing a house. They were our neighbours from back home, who had a kid same age as me.
We were just learning to swim in the pool, and had gotten fairly proficient swimming with flotation aid. Our dads put to us a challenge: swim to the deep end and back with the flotation device without touching the sides earns you 300 pesetas (this was before the euro). Do the same but without any aid, and you get 500.

There was a tacky souvenir shop down the road that sold, amongst other things, this awesome keychain with a tiny "rambo knife". Dull as anything and really just a gimmick but I wanted it.

So my cunning plan was, do the swim with flotation device first, then later without, netting me 800 in total.

Scheming bastard that I was.
(Thu 5th Jul 2012, 16:31, More)

» Clubs, gangs, and societies

where the fuck is my dick

(Thu 28th Jun 2012, 17:11, More)