No reason, sorry

(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 18:33, More)

» Will you go out with me?

I shat onto my her out of a hotel window in Bracknell
I had accidentally locked myself inside a second-floor chair-storage cupboard on my way to a conference being held at the hotel, I shouted and banged but nobody heard me. Eventually nature took over and for some reason I decided to make a mess out of the window and onto the plant beds below. I hadn't realised that this was sometimes used by hotel staff for impromptu fag breaks and in the time between checking the coast was clear and getting into the right position she'd leant against the wall to enjoy a quick B&H. She was horrified of course and furiously marched upstairs to find the culprit, obviously I was pleased to be free and very apologetic as you can imagine. I offered to pay for new clothes, a hair-cut and to buy her dinner as an apology, somehow she accepted - we hit it off and have been together for 17 years, married for 14 with two kids.
(Wed 3rd Sep 2008, 18:31, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

I had a lovely 83 year old neighbour, she carked it and I went to her funeral
I'm sat there, not knowing many people, being ignored, when this vision of carnal-desire appeared, just sex on legs. She's up at the podium reading some sad shit when she starts crying, up springs captain-wobbly, hard as hell. She comes and sits close enough that I can smell her perfume, I have a raging, pulsating erection. Off the coffin goes down the conveyor and everyone gets up to leave, of course I can't stand so I stay a little longer as I'm "so overwhelmed with sadness", everyone thinks I'm sensitive. Knocked one out in the bogs at the wake though.
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 19:34, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

I once had to attend the funeral of someone who I had effectively killed
I didn't attend the party-thing afterwards
(Thu 11th May 2006, 11:17, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

My father-in-law of fifteen years has been a widower for the last quarter-century or so
He has never seemed interested in becoming more than friends with other women since his wife died and we thought this a loving and considerate position for him to take. Last Christmas I bought him an iBook and broadband so that he could videoconference with us and perhaps browse for rare books and music. Recently he asked me to tidy the machine up a bit as old people sometimes need. He had left his mail application running and I could not help myself noticing that he had been buying a very great deal of unusual items from ebay and elsewhere - lots of gay porn and sexual paraphernalia (rubber arse-less pants, butt-plugs etc). Telling my wife of my findings was...interesting, since then we have spotted so many smaller signs that he has chosen to 'branch-out' since being on his own that I'm more surprised we hadn't noticed earlier. We have never discussed this with him but I do call him my bender-in-law in private.
(Sat 10th Sep 2005, 10:59, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

when nobody else is around...
...I climb up into the loft, dust down an old suitcase, put on the SS Commander uniform inside and goose-step about between the rafters. My wife would kill me if she found out, what makes it worse is that I'm a Jew.

Oh and I've put on a few pounds in the years since I bought it and I'm really not sure where to take it to to have it modified.
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 19:16, More)