» Ignorance

Stupid Stupid Stupid
Gorgeous Newfoundland barmaid that for some reason found herself working in a small NE Scottish town (go figure!!), would always find time to stop and chat while I supped my pint.
Turns out she had two tickets to see Sheryl Crow in concert in Glasgow, she couldn't go as her BFF had pulled out. I had not long moved to Glasgow, nice little flat by the Clyde (I was up visiting family at this time).
She offered both tickets to me, like a fecking fool I bought both, not even registering the look of disgust on her face after all her subliminal suggesting (low cut top, big boobs, pouty lips, you know the thing).
Only realised once I was walking back home to the parents. Dad offered his fatherly sentiments - "You really are a twat".
(Thu 30th Aug 2012, 19:32, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

Chilli Chocolate Mousse
Being a big fan of arse-stinging chillis and sexy dark chocolate, this is a match made in Satan's undercrackers!!
Melt dark choc' (80% cocoa, buy the cheap stuff from Lidl, no need for that pretentious Greens Organic pish) in a bowl over a pan of hot water, set aside.
Whisk eggs and sugar together in a bowl until thick.
Use a metal spoon (?) to fold in the chocolate goo with the eggy mixture. Go all Nigella on it's ass!!
Now here's the secret bit. The chilli flavouring comes from gently frying chopped chillis in some good vegetable oil, you are infusing the oil with the hit of chilli. In this respect you could use anything - Chocolate and onion mousse, chocolate and fried liver mousse, etc, etc. Remember, the more chillis used, the hotter the infused oil will be.
After the infused oil has cooled, slowly add to the choco, eggy mix, folding it in. Now add whipped cream, again fold it in.
Divide this mix into some posh wine glasses, and throw them in the fridge until set.
Garnish however you please, and eat.
You get this really rich, smooth, dark chocolate mousse, which melts in the mouth. Then your taste buds are violently assaulted by the heat of the chillis. Take more dark chocolate mousse to cool-down, ad-infinitum.

And that my friends, is how to break a cherry. I fank-you!!
(Tue 3rd Jul 2012, 3:10, More)

» Driven to Madness

Cold-calling
I basically model myself on Victor Meldrew, therefore there is quite lot that grips my shit and boils my piss. At the top of that list would be so called psychics. It really is an all time low when these fucktards prey on the raw emotion of people going through the worst kind of grief - the loss of a partner, the loss of a child.
It also goes without saying that in todays modern world there is a lot of reinforced information out there to inform people that these idiots are charlatans.
It also makes me wonder my certain members of my family are such gullible twats!!
(Sun 7th Oct 2012, 15:06, More)

» Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics

Alcoholics Grave
Just thought of another one, this may fall under the 'eccentricity' tag.
I went to college in South Shields, doing 4yrs of a cadetship for the Merchant Navy.
Near to the local takeaway ('Rads', although he may have got the third letter wrong!) was a small elevated public garden, with a few park benches. One night on the way to the takeaway, with a few mates, we came across an old guy lying in the garden. This was a cold winters night, and obviously something wasn't quite right, so we went to the old guys assistance. He was soaking wet (in hindsight, this was probably piss), cold, and we could not bring him round. This was when we noticed the empty bottles of cheap sherry and strong lager.
We called the emergency services for an ambulance, unknowing that a cop car would also turn up. I still can't believe what the cops done, they kicked this guy up the arse, really roughly man-handled him, throwing him to the ground and picking him back up. They finally told him if he didn't move away from the spot ,he'd be arrested. We were told to go on our way.
Recounting this story to the college security guards, we were told that this happens all the time. The old boy alcoholics would get their giro and blow the lot on brain melting brews, and retreat to this small garden where they would ease themselves into sweet oblivion. It was not uncommon for some of these old boys to pass into the next life on one of these cold nights.
As I said at the beginning, a tale of eccentricity. But also a tale of villainy, possibly evilness, considering the actions of the cops. Bastards!!
(Sat 29th Sep 2012, 22:06, More)

» The Wank Bank

YummyMummy
Age 16, was going steady with a girl a year younger than myself. She worked in a fish & chip shop on the odd night, and as a chivalrous young man (looking to get the stinky finger) I would escort her to the shop, and back home once she was finished.
So one Friday evening I find myself bored off my tits in my parents house, just waiting until the g/f finished her shift. Decided to nip up to my best mates, see what he was up to, and just shoot the shit for an hour or two, this would have been around 9pm.
So chap-chap on the front door and his mum answers. She would have been around 35yr old, small and quite slim (there was no hubby). Anyhoo, this night she answers the door wearing a dressing gown, her hair wet as though she just stepped out the shower, holding a glass of cider in her hand. It looked like this wasn't her first glass of the evening.
"Is Mike in", I asked.
"No, he's just popped out to the shop, you can come in and wait if you want", she replied.
I pondered, thinking of the time, having to go and meet the g/f, and I declined.
"It's no problem, you can come in and wait", she once again offered.
So made my apologies and went to stand outside a chip shop freezing my bollocks off.
Next day, went back up to see my mate. He answered the door and we both headed up to his room to catch up.
"I called for you last night, where were you", I asked.
"Oh, I was staying the night through at my girlfriends", he said. His girlfriend lived in a town about 12 miles from ours.
"Oh, did your Mum know you were through there", I asked, the balls starting to fall into place.
"Yeah, told her before I left", was the reply.

You have no idea the permutations my diseased little brain has come up with after all these years. There are many more, but this is definitely the biggest deposit I've made in my wank-bank.
(Sun 26th Aug 2012, 19:45, More)