» The worst sex I ever had

Club toilets
I've got a club toilet story too.

In a crummy little indie club I met a lovely young lady who was very pretty. We met there a few times. There was kissing of faces and much fun had by all. Well, both.

One night it went a bit further and she took my hand and dragged me off the dance floor and up the stairs to the toilets. Obviously, the bloke's was out because the cubicles didn't shut and there was wee all over the floor. So we were heading to the ladies.

"Wahay!" I think, having never been dragged to club toilets before. I was drunk enough to ignore the smell and the possible complaints from other patrons etc etc.

We queued for about five minutes before deciding it probably wouldn't be worth it. I went home and had a cup of tea instead. It was lovely and didn't involve standing in someone else's wee. It was then I realised I'm old and I like it.

The next week she told me about her boyfriend and we never saw each other again.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 12:52, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Possibly urban legend...
...but a good friend swears this is true.

Now, my good friend was a bit of a techy in his time, and lots of people trusted him to fix their computers for them. One such person was on his uni course and was having problems with his trusty 'pooter booting up, which was a bad thing because he had coursework to do. Or something.

Anyway, he left his PC with my friend to have it sorted. It was a pretty quick job, so once fixed, Mr Techie decides to have a bit of a root around the "My Documents" folder to see if there's any animal porn or anything which can be used to extort money.

There wasn't animal porn, but there were a couple of pictures intriguingly entitled "Me 1", "Me 2" and so on. Shameful self portraits? Very old photos of bad hair? Worth a look, surely.

In fact, it was a sequence of images from a flat-bed scanner. Images of the computer owner's man-sausage laid out on the scanning bed. In chronological order, from casually nonchalont to full attention, and one "post snake-spit". Yum, eh? Needless to say they were posted on the department notice board within days.

And that's why I never lick scanners.
(Sun 12th Feb 2006, 12:29, More)

» Fire!

How to get thrown out of a gig
Mike Woz Ere has reminded me of a story a friend recounted to me about his wierdest ever gig experience. If you're reading this, Tracy gave you my number and I've still not heard from you, you crazy fool.

Anyway - picture the scene. Gurning friend, wearing (IIRC) a flowery dress, DMs, eyeliner and a few days' stubble, goes to see Sultans of Ping. From the outset he was a bit the worse for wear. Actually, I think that was pretty much his ground state.

Much wobbling in time to music commences and said friend decides some poppers might be a nice idea. Now, I personally know nothing about them, so I have no idea why he decided to set them alight at that point.

So there he is, flaming poppers in hand, when he gets bumped by another SoP gurner in the mosh. Poppers promptly spill over his hand. "Oh dear", he thinks, "that's not good. My hand is on fire somewhat".

The logical thing to do is therefore move the bottle of poppers from the flaming hand - which he does by throwing them to his other hand. Spilling more flaming poppers - over his *other* hand. So now both hands are on fire and panic starts to set in.

Self preservation dictates that he really should get rid of the bottle. So he drops it, whereupon flaming poppers spill all over his feet. Stamping out the flames makes it worse. In fact, it covers his boots in flaming poppers.

Before they burnt out and he was ejected from the premises - and, unerstandably, not allowed to return - he briefly stood in the middle of the gig, panic on his face, sister's flowery dress flapping around his hairy legs, both hands and both feet blazing away.

What a twat. Lovely bloke, but a twat.

Oh, and one time my shower caught fire due to a short circuit. That was rather surreal.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 10:12, More)

» My Worst Date

Probably no-where near as interesting as the others on here...
...as it doesn't involve sex.

Anyway, I met a rather lovely girl at a Drinking Wine society do at uni. We were both - unsurprisingly - quite merry by the end of the evening. I offered to walk her home, and she agreed, as we had to go through the scary park. On arrival at her halls we stood below them saying goodbye. She looked up into my eyes with her beautiful, big blue eyes and coyly - full of natural innocence - said "do... do you mind if I kiss you goodnight?"

To which I reply, shouting, "Yeah, that would be pretty cool, wouldn't it?". Oh dear.

Well, she did agree to go on a proper date with me. There was a stand-up competition in the union the next week and, having been in it the year before, I thought it would be the ideal way to impress her. So along I go, and I grab a table for us both. Before long she arrives and fails to see me so I wander up to the bar to get her.

The Ents manager of the uni was at the bar and thought I was going to talk to him.

"Hello, FB," he says, "how are you? Written any material for the summer ball yet?"
"Gosh" think I, "she's standing right behind him. She can hear all this. What an ideal opportunity to demonstrate what high regard I am held in as a comedian around here".
"Not yet, Mr. Ents Manager," I reply, "I've been pretty busy with my coursework. But something will come soon, I have no doubt".

I make eye contact with the girl of my affections. She looks impressed. For a moment. Because then the ents manager says the following haunting line:
"Oh, you need a fucked up relationship with some really screwed up girl. That's where all your best material comes from".

Had a happy ending though. She saw past that one incident.
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 16:53, More)

» Road Rage

Impatient lady drivers
Give me the horn.

Sorry.

Once a man in a van made rude gestures at me for sticking to the speed limit. So I noted the number writ large across his vehicle, drove home, and rang his boss, telling him I would tell everyone I know never to hire builder's equipment from their company.

I wish I'd been a builder.
(Fri 13th Oct 2006, 11:01, More)