Mine was not a well off family...
...so in the 70's and 80's when the summer holidays rolled around, that invariably meant a holiday in England. Which usually invariably meant Cornwall to us. Being from oop north, this always entailed loading the family into the knackered old car my father possessed on a Friday evening and driving south throughout the night.

Naturally expecting two young lads to sit on the backseat for hours without fighting or trying to wind each other up is wishful thinking on the part of parents everywhere, so dad would bollock us with all the colourful invective he recalled from his army days as a tank driver. So we'd sit sulking in silence. Or not silence. Because the radio had Johnny Mathis, or ELO or ABBA. To liven up the proceedings occasionally I'd vomit.

And because the first vehicle dad learned to drive was a tank, he drove everything like it was a tank, which often meant the car would break down somewhere along the line, usually because dad thought the car would go through or over things. Though we often broke down in some spectacularly pretty places, so there was that.

Cornwall has some pretty stunning beaches. But if, like me, you don't like beaches because the sun turns your milk white skin into a seething angry red torment from hell, then having to remain fully-clothed on the beach because sun lotion wasn't good enough in those days, kind of defeated the point.

Still, there were always the amusement arcades, if you'll excuse the exaggeration. Oh the thrill of putting your 1 and 2p pieces into the machine holding thousands of them and watching the shelves slide back and forth and not push any of that copper into the dispensing slot for you to collect. For a similar thrill you could always throw your money down a street grate. The best video game at the time was space invaders. Okay at the time but looking back now, Christ.

So the highlight of the trip was always going to the cinema in Newquay, which we did when it rained, which was every year. Something I could easily have done at home.

I vividly remember the first foreign holiday we had. We went to Scotland! Scotland!! It was almost exotic. We stayed on a caravan on a farm so every day smelled of cowshit. There were so many horseflies I was covered in itchy bites including, puzzlingly, on my nutsack. I had to bathe in calamine lotion so looked like Mr Blobby. A Mr Blobby whose yellow spots itched and oozed and weeped and looked like a vivid warning poster against the perils of unprotected sex.

Seriously, fuck Scotland.

As a remedy for venturing to the foreign hell which was Scotland, the next year we went to Skegness. In the days before blue flags and standards, the sewage outflow pipe from Skegness came out about twenty yards from the seas edge on the beach, which we discovered when my brother emerged from the sea like the Monster From the Black Lagoon covered in shit on day one. So we spent the entire week not going in the sea. We got really good at Swingball.

Such were our holidays I used to long for the simple pleasures of staying home and watching "Why Don't You?".

Getting my own passport and job showed me you could actually have fun on a holiday.

tl;dr - The English don't do holiday resorts well. The Scottish are worse still.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 17:49, 25 replies)

The sad thing about this is we live in a beautiful, historically-rich land
and you can have fantastic holidays here (no matter what the weather) if you don't go down the Skegness route. As such there's a whole generation of people who know nothing about where they're from other than the *cough* traditional British 'fare' they eat in fucking Malaga.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 17:56, closed)

Parents didn't do history
They wanted to sit on a beach and tan their leathery skin. And eat Cornish pasties and clotted cream and scones because, hey, all Cornish people eat those all the time.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 18:02, closed)

that is a real shame

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 18:18, closed)

Well we do eat them all the time.

( Peej, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 10:43, closed)

Stick to the east coast of Scotland
Far fewer midges and similar nasty biting bugs than the west coast.

We used to holiday on the west coast when I was small, and I too have suffered the scrotal midge bite in the past. How they got in there I've no idea, as I was always in the habit of wearing Y-fronts at that time and didn't tend to go about with my tackle hanging out.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 18:33, closed)

Love how you can identify the part of Scotland
from the insect bites. Yes, it was Western Scotland. The insects must love them some scrotum.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 19:53, closed)

I don't mind a bit myself.

(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 20:45, closed)

well known for those of us living here
Sadly the east coast isn't as nice to look at!

Borders are mainly ok though and if you prefer a city break central belt and Edinburgh/north berwick etc will all see you right.

don't go up to Fort William et al between june and october though. They hunt in packs round there.
(fivetide, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 13:10, closed)

That does sound shit.
I used to love the family holidays camping in the South of France, and feel it couldn't have been much more expensive for your Dad to stop at Weymouth while Cornwall bound, pop the car on a ferry to Cherburg, and drive one more night down to the Dordogne, especially as all the food and booze would have been much cheaper in France.

It sounds like your parents were lacking in imagination rather than money.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 18:55, closed)

That would have been cool
but dad was old school. Wouldn't eat "forrin muck". Mum would've been okay with it but twas dad did the driving.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 19:55, closed)

My Nan and I would go into the arcades with no money, find 2p that someone had forgotten to collect from the push machine,
shove it back in to get a load more 2ps, and waste an entire afternoon making ever more 2ps rain down from the shelves, only to feed them all back into the machine until we had the same as when we started. Great fun.
Of course, now all the machines take 50ps, and weight the cash down with worthless prizes, making the whole thing shit.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 19:44, closed)

They nail down the 'better' prizes too
so there is zero chance of getting them. Bastards. On the plus side, I have a good memory of being near one of these fiendish machines when the building suffered a power cut. The lights went out, there was silence for a few seconds, and then as one the honest people of Britain pounded the shit out of the now alarm-free machines, causing bronze and silver showers.
(searlichek, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 22:45, closed)

Holidays in Britain can be great, they're just expensive.
I have on my list, in no particular order: Midland Hotel, Morecambe; The Howard, Edinburgh; Haven't decided where Portmeirion and whichever hotel "Cabinet" is in London.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 20:17, closed)

I live
a few miles from Portmeirion, and i can tell you that it doesn't take long to go around - you can exhaust half a day if you're inclined. However, the area of Snowdonia itself has some stunning mountains to walk up.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 20:51, closed)

I know it's a small place.
I think a long weekend strolling around the place, watching The Prisoner before bed, would be pleasant though. I agree about the mountains having been part way up Snowdon as a kid -- it's a pretty part of the world generally.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 21:46, closed)

I was there this year, though only for a morning, which wasn't quite enough time
I was the guy in the black and white jacket (there's always one)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 9:32, closed)

I'd honestly give the Midland a miss if I were you. Beautiful Art Deco but as a hotel, it's missing the mark for what they charge. Morecambe as a town itself isn't also somewhere you'll want to spend too long.
The restaurant isn't up to much but you could stop in for lunch if you want a look around the hotel.

If you're looking for somewhere special in the NW I'd suggest either Northcote Manor (haven't been since it's refurb last month though) or Hipping Hall which are both splendid.
( Pig Bodine., Fri 30 Aug 2013, 13:42, closed)

I've family who live fairly near.
We did pop in for lunch one day and I thought it was pretty good -- but it was a little pricey for what it was, I suppose, and I'm too poor to have enjoyed it properly.
I'm sorry to hear it's not up to much as a hotel as it would be cool to stay where the ficticious Belgian detective stayed.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 17:11, closed)

If those are your best suggestions for food in the NW, then I suggest you really do not want to
embark on a career as a food critic. In fact, just because your company once gave you a special "do" at Northcote doesn't mean it is good, it is one star Michelin and charges 2 to 3 star Michelin in Blackburn FFS. I think that you may also like to recommend Burger King off the A666 and that café near Colne that everyone raves about, the McDonalds.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 0:03, closed)

Sweet Mandarin is pretty good.
It's round the back of the old market on Shudehill in Manchester and, whilst it may not have any stars, it is certainly very well renowned.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 11:20, closed)

What a curious thing to get yourself worked up over.
I was referring more to good places to stay. If it's just food then I'd pick L'Enclume every time. I haven't stayed there though so can't comment on their rooms. The Parker's Arms has been getting a lot of admiring nods and Fraiche is also great destination dining.

Where are your recommendations Egon?
( Pig Bodine., Sat 31 Aug 2013, 13:47, closed)

You got me at
To liven up the proceedings occasionally I'd vomit.
I like your style of writing. ;]
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 22:24, closed)

Thank you, sir.

(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 1 Sep 2013, 1:54, closed)

why don't you was shit!
the condescending bastards!
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 5:25, closed)

There was a hint of condescension about it
But the basic message of "it's the holidays, do something different and fun" was a decent one, I think.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Sun 1 Sep 2013, 1:56, closed)