Transatlantic Onions
A number of years ago before I went 'cards in' I was an IT contractor. I landed a decent cushy role based in a well known firm's head office in Manchester city centre. There, we'd attend various faults with users' computer equipment and on occasions we'd be given jobs for various directors who were known as 'onions' (fuck knows why). Their fault calls took precedent over the every day lowly minions and we'd get told by the helpdesk manager "Be careful how you talk to him, he's an onion!" I politely informed the manager that I treat everybody the same, irrespective of their status and if that's unacceptable then we're going to have a problem. But that's another story...

Anyway, I got a call to do a job for a particular onion. Upon entering his office I immediately noticed it to be festooned with American paraphernalia. He had the star spangled banner on a pole behind his chair, like you see on US TV shows in sheriff's offices and classrooms. On the wall was a huge ten gallon hat and on the other side of the office was a marble plinth on which stood a stuffed Bald Eagle.

I had to stifle laughter as soon as he spoke. "Oh howdy young man! Come on in!" Now this wasn't an American accent as such but a really shite mid Atlantic accent trying very hard to be American. You know the type, used by crap celebrities when they've spent a weekend in New York and want to sound all international. He was blatantly putting it on as some of the phrases were inconsistent and out of context. "Y'all gonna fix my darn compooter?"

Sensing an opportunity for a subtle piss take, I replied "sure thing!" Thankfully, it was only a blown fuse in the plug which I replaced from my toolkit. I made sure it switched on and he didn't have any more problems and then I left his office, past the wall mounted six shooter in it's holster complete with belt and bullets and the picture of JFK.

When I got back to the office, I quietly asked a member of staff what this man was all about with his overt love of Americana.

"Yeah, we all thought that too. He spoke with a local accent and had a normal office. Then a couple of years ago, he went on holiday for a week and came back all Yankee" I asked what part of America he went to to come back so influenced. "Well that's just it you see. He went to Canada!"

Not a bastard as such but a pretentious fellow.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 10:58, Reply)