Life is full of twats...
And I've met a fair share of them.

In my vast and varied life, I've worked as a Motor Vehicle Technician (mechanic) where I was introduced to the "wonderful" world of latent homosexuality and institionalised bullying of the workshop. I was warned by my father who worked at the same place that the tradition of "greasing" (applying thick layers of axle grease to intimate parts of the bodY) was still prevalant. Being a younger, much fitter and slimmer ThatGuyThere, I avoided this for several weeks (even going as far as to dive headfirst over the store room counter to safety.

It took five people, and a military level of organisation to trap me and apply the grease. This was utterly humiliating, and I think I surprised the manager of the business when I marched into his office and told him to stuff his job. I then set off to walk the 2 miles home (no car at the time). He caught up with me, tried to persuade me to go back, but I wasn't having any of it. As he drove off, an elderly guy walked up and said he had got the registration number of the car if I wanted to call the police. He had thought the guy had tried to abduct me. (I was 16 at the time) I eventually returned, only to be made redundant a few weeks later.

Fast forward a few years and I'm working for an electricity company (very small, rhyming with Peconomy Ower) and I'm doing the team leader style job for a small "Problem management" team (Looking after customer issues like meter readings etc)

A young guy joins the team, and between his joining and leaving, left much of us unimpressed by the gargantuan amount of bullshit that spewed from the wrong end of his body. This included ringing every local radio station one day because he was desperate to go to a "gig" He spent hours on the phone, saying he'd do ANYTHING to get tickets (he didn't offer to commit suicide though, sadly).

The same oik announced he "loved" a local DJ by the name of Lisa Lashes(?) and claimed to have "got off with her" at a gig. He also claimed that one of his ancestors was knighted and became Sir Loynes, and that's how the name sirloin of lamb came about. His leaving left us with a sense of relief. Another person at the same company became friends with one of my closer colleagues (her and I spending about six months as a team inputting contracts) It transpired that this newer woman didn't like me, and spent a lot of time insulting me. My friend ignored this, until there was a large contract backlog, and I pitched in. Due to the fact a bonus scheme came into place, offering money if you exceeded a number of contracts in a day. Being a clever sort of ThatGuy, I worked out that I could input three contracts at a time (using the process lag that occurred at each stage). This meant my total was always high which annoyed this person. What annoyed her further was being bollocked for making huge amounts of errors (Either not finishing the input or mixing them up). She left not long after, still cursing my name I expect.

My current job is great, the only idiot I have is the CEO, and he's scared of me, which makes life much much easier.

Fear! It's what makes Britain Great
(thatguythere is wondering where he is, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 12:38, 6 replies)

lisa lashes
she is a great DJ you should consider yourself lucky to have her as a local shes on the female top 100 DJ list. sorry would say more prolly will later but just got home from a rave and my brains feel kinda yellow and lumpy
(seshmarls, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 18:28, closed)

What the hell year was this?
Wait, 5 grown men held down a 16 year old boy and applied axle grease to his whatever with their bare hands? I know I'm being American, but why didn't you SUE THEIR FUCKING PANTS OFF? And where was your dad?

Good for you for quitting and I think you should have reported the bastards.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 4:42, closed)

Initiation
I think it was pretty prevalent across a lot of industry a mate of mine told us about when, as an apprentice, he was pinned down in the shower while one bloke wanked himm off while wearing a marigold (he didn't comment on what else he was wearing)and then they covered him in swarfega (not sure how it's spelt)
and apparently he got off lightly...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 12:22, closed)

@ Tdub
the british motor vehicle repair industry is a bastion of 'old fashioned' workplace shenanigans.

My friend regales me with tales of setting one-another on fire, stowing dog faeces in lunchboxes etc. Although this seems rather harsh, it also appears to be a great deal more fun than the cosy safe office I work in wehre nothing. ever. happens.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 14:54, closed)

Sir Loin
I happen to know about this one as it's part of the local history where I grew up and even formed part of our school play.
King James 1st was in Houghton Castle in Blackburn and was so impressed with the joint of meat (a loin of beef) which was served that he knighted it - so unless your colleague was related to that cow he's talking cods. Though judging by the story, it's possible...
(rampants, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 17:43, closed)

Click
I like this because you "pwned" contracts with your "uber micro"
(substatic, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:18, closed)