My Ex was a Bully
I have had two major bullies in my short life so far: one was the slutty girl in middle school (true sluts start at a young age) and the other was my ex-boyfriend.

He was no Mr T: in fact, he was a good two/three inches shorter than me. But he was an ex-boxer; in bantamweight (I think that's between mid- and heavy-, correct me if I'm wrong). It wasn't professional by any means, but he ended up getting banned from the club on account of the street fights he used to get into.

When I met him he was nice enough....had a bit of a rep as a "Ladies Man" (oh how I laugh bitterly at that now) but otherwise all our friends thought he was a good guy.

Then about six months in it went tits-up. Just little things, such as turning up at my house demanding sex and then fucking off afterwards to go beat up some kids, before turning up again, shagging me again as an encore and then promptly going to sleep.

Not so bad? OK yes, I admit it wasn't nice. But then came the cheating. He blurted out one night (during sex I might add) that he'd slept with his best friend. MALE best friend. And this from a self-confessed homophobe. When I demanded the truth, he just kept repeating "I don't kiss and tell." Until I shouted "YOU FUCKING TELL ME". Which he did.

Only to tell me a week later that he'd "got his dates mixed up" and had actually shagged his mate a month before we got together. Of course I was still going through the kind of emotional causeway that you go through when your lover cheats, to which he responded "Yeah well you're just dragging it out for sympathy" and "Stop resenting me for something I haven't done".

At the time I was also having trouble with my periods: namely that they hadn't started. Long and short of it was that the doctors INCORRECTLY told me I couldn't have kids, full stop. (LONG STORY.) His response when I finally plucked up the courage to tell him? "So why are we still using condoms?"

Then came the blatant, obvious cheating, the verbal abuse, the put-downs in front of friends to the point where they would dread going out with us because I would always end up crying. Whenever I finally plucked up the courage and stood up to his put-downs, it'd be "Quit your bitching, bitch." Even in front of my parents.

So I stopped sleeping with him, on the grounds that I couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone I hated. When he realised I was withholding it deliberately, he waited until I fell asleep and then forced me. Several occasions holding a pillow or his hands over my face, and once threatening to break my arm because I was banging my fist on the wall, hoping to alert my parents. My current boyfriend hit the fucking roof when I told him this, and told me it constitutes rape. I don't know if it does or not. I haven't really been able to bear thinking about it.

He dumped me by answerphone after about a year and a half, a week before my 18th. He then came crawling back a few weeks later, after hearing that I was getting better offers and had been on a few dates. Being the complete fucking airhead I was I took him back, believing his promises that it'd be better.

A few months later and I finished with him. Boy, did he not see that coming. A week later he was nearly killed in a car accident, and pulled the "It made me realise how much you mean to me". He even went to my current boyfriend's house, begging them to help get me back; Dante (current boyf) refused but his stupid at-the-time-girlfriend took pity on the bastard and tried to help convince me to give him another chance.

That was well over two years ago. I've been with Dante two years, and I'd like to say I got over it but I never did. I'm much better now of course, but I used to live in sheer terror. I defy anyone who says they could get over that. I like to think it made me stronger person: not a BETTER person, I genuinely don't like my sheer hatred of him, I think I'm more bitter and it does cause the odd problem with Dante, which I hate myself for.

I'm not fishing for sympathy - I just want to say that if this sounds at all familiar to something you're going through now, GET THE FUCK OUT. Don't even stop to deliberate.

Apologies for massive length and dour seriousness. More silly maybe next QOTW.

PS: He's now jobless, kicked out of his house, lost his driver's license for 18 months and had to sell his beloved car AND bike, has contracted chlamydia, has been rejected from the Army and can't join the Navy. And still I don't think this is vengeance enough.
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Mon 18 May 2009, 13:10, 18 replies)

This post isn't an abhomination
as per your reply to my post down below.

You were raped - no two ways about it - but realistically bringing a case for this now isn't going to do anything.

The thing that strikes me about this is the lack of support from your parents. If any man called my daughter a bitch in front of me, they'd be shown the door with my boot up their arse.

Without going yet again into psychobabble mode, did you / do you feel valued enough by your parents ? A lot of domestic abuse relationships in adults occur because of low self-esteem / self-worth caused by poor parenting. Although again, your parents might have suffered the same at the hands of their parents...so the cycle perpetuates itself.

I'm glad you've found someone else now and are out of the situation, but possibly counselling might be of use at some time.

As for your ex - sounds like karma is already getting him. Try to avoid the temptation to keep up with what's happening in his life, and move on with your own. You sound like a really intelligent young woman (hope that doesn't sound patronising) so your life is going to be way, way better than his.

All the best - but really, think about counselling - don't let this fester inside you for longer than it needs to.
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 18 May 2009, 13:37, closed)

This post made me livid.
We are supposed to be living in a day and age where women have rights - yet you have been treated like garbage by this scumbag.

If I ever meet him - I don't care what you say - I'm going to punch him. Not just for you - for me as well.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 18 May 2009, 13:49, closed)

Sounds like he
met his Waterloo.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 18 May 2009, 14:06, closed)

Thanks
Well, thank you for your replies, I am sorry for such a serious post.

I did think I'd been raped. There's nothing I can do about it now except just forget about it, at least now it can be laid to rest.

My parents didn't actually know the most of it - he was very clever about it, made it look like it was just jokes and teasing and for a while my parents thought it was fine, then they did cotton on. We had a lot of arguments over it, mainly over my reluctance to let him go.

Vampyrecat, please feel free to smack him about, I wouldn't mind.

Thanks all for being understanding.
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Mon 18 May 2009, 14:18, closed)

there is everything you can do about it.
You were raped. You can report it now and still press charges.
I can remember everything - down to what I was wearing and the food I'd had for lunch. I know you don't want to but I bet you can too. It's obviously still affecting you.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 18 May 2009, 14:52, closed)

The conviction rate
for rape is something like 8% in the UK.

It's going to come down to one person's word against another as it's been described in this post.

The law only works if a case - regardless of the charge brought - can be proven "beyond reasonable doubt".

My advice about not acting on this in a legal sense is based on this understanding of the law. Obviously, consult a lawyer rather than some spod off the internet - but I don't think - EVEN THOUGH IT WAS RAPE - that the CPS would prosecute.
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 18 May 2009, 15:02, closed)

"EVEN THOUGH IT WAS RAPE"
Yes, it was rape. But in the absence of evidence, what can you expect them to do, rape or not?

The conviction rate is 8% not because the legal system is soft on rapists- it's just that the other 92% is made up of cases with incomplete (or a complete lack of) evidence as well as outright fabrications or what have you.

No, it's not a pleasent crime and no, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But nor would I prefer that 92 innocent (or not proveably guilty) people get locked up for every 8 "genuine" convictions.
And anyone who says differently should have a wholly unfounded rape allegation raised against them, and ideally should be hauled through the Press and the court of public opinion before getting to a proper evidence-based trial and having people call you a liar, scum and a rapist even as you're found utterly not guilty (and get added to a register anyway, just in case).
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:23, closed)

I knew
my response wouldn't go down well.

I'm not expecting "them" (i.e. the legal profession) to do anything about it. Primarily because of the lack of evidence and the fact that the law does presume innocence unless there is absolute proof.

Which is a good thing.

And BTW I was accused of abusing my eldest child by my ex (one of the many people I don't hate who I should do) and was arrested for it, with the CPS subsequently not prosecuting. Still, that meant 8 years of my daughter's life that I lost, so the damage was done anyway.

I'm neither touting the line than all men are rapists or that the law should function differently from the way it does now.
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 18 May 2009, 17:18, closed)

As a fellow Victorian...
I had a long and painful experience trying to get the guy who assaulted me convicted (friend of a housemate at the time).

The cop running the case questioned his friends, giving him advance warning, and then went on leave for a month.

They eventually threw it out without holding him or anything as I'd been drinking (they were plying me, I was 16 at the time and asleep!), and had showed him 'sexually explicit material' (he saw some photos in my room of some friends and I in bathing suits on a recent uni camp). Oh, and I'd fought him off before he'd been able to rape me so there was no physical evidence.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Tue 19 May 2009, 10:19, closed)

Not only is this guy a rapist..
.. but he could so easily have been a murderer. It wasn't that long ago that a schoolgirl died on a school trip when she was smothered with a pillow during a rape.

Without any disrespect to you - you did damn well to break away from the guy - it's a shame he wasn't brought to book for raping you because at this rate one of his "girlfriends" (victims) will be winding up in a box.

This man is a genuine menace and you should be proud to have escaped him and have found a guy who makes you happy.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 18 May 2009, 15:28, closed)

I don't know about the UK, but in the US
it seems like rape trials put the woman on trial as much as the rapist. Although Vampyrecat is much too nice in how she would deal with this idiot/animal/piece of shit (he deserves much more than a simple punching out, in fact he might like that, castration might be a good alternative), trying to prosecute at this point it could end up being a very painful choice.

Please don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that any rape should be vigorously and fully prosecuted as soon as possible but years later if necessary. The thing that is really wrong though is how much pain a woman may have to go through during the trial.

As your experiences are obviously still eating at you, I agree with the recommendation to see a therapist. From what I have read, the mental damage caused by rape can stay with people for a lifetime. Focusing on your own happiness and self-contentment might be a better first step.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:02, closed)

The problem is
The lack of any evidence. Especially after so long. If there's any physical evidence it's far easier- there's testimony but there's also other stuff to back her up. It's just that it's really hard to prove anything in a rape trial as there's so much emotion and so little physical evidence to separate "rape" from consensual sex. Especially if it's your partner doing the raping.

I guess the only way you could prove it is if he'd done it previously you could set up the camera to record all night in the hope of catching him the next time.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:31, closed)

I know all this, but as a father of two daughters, and knowing a couple of women who have been raped
I am aware (as much as a man can be) of the long term devastation rape causes. In this case I don't think he could be successfully prosecuted. I also know there are cases where there are false accusations. (That said, I don't think the false accusations are really all that common because of the trial women who make these allocations are exposed to.)

Rape is a horrible violent crime/action that should be punished as vigorously as possible. We need to make sure it really happened but we also need to make sure that when a woman (or man for that matter) says no, then she has to be listened to.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 18 May 2009, 17:55, closed)

I had
a relationship very similar to yours when I was in my late teens. Four years. He nearly killed me when he threw me down the stairs once, causing a miscarriage.
My parents were of no help, sadly - and neither were his. My mum said "It's only rape when it's someone you don't know." FFS.
They ignored the bruises and the screaming from upstairs as they watched tv.

Many years later - now - I am with a great guy and I rarely think of it these days. You don't get over it, as such, imo - but you one day can look back on it and think, "I survived and here I still am, stronger, and never will I let someone do that to me ever again." And that's a good outcome.
Good luck leaving all that shit behind, and looking to your future.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Mon 18 May 2009, 16:52, closed)

I could have written this
... you're not the only one. It will stay with you, you won't forget, but don't let it ruin your life. He is of little value to the world; you are much more valuable. xx
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Tue 19 May 2009, 0:07, closed)

I find it extremely depressing how many woman
even on this board have been through this experience. I guess it's common everywhere but I thought it was getting better. Guess I was wrong. Time to go get full time mean bodygaurds for my 18 and 21 yr old daughters!
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 19 May 2009, 3:09, closed)

Your ex boyfriend
was clearly a cunt

But your current one has an inferno. So this must be much better.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 19 May 2009, 0:39, closed)

Wow
I don't really know what to say...except thank you everyone, I know that sounds a bit lame and cliche but I really appreciate the support. I am so glad that I've been able to share this and perhaps some good will come out of it.

I'm not going to press charges, don't want to ever see his face again really let alone drag myself and everyone through that, to be honest I just wanted to know where I stood and see if I could move on/get closure. Oddly enough I was having counselling at the time and it was a Godsend, I will try this again as I can't beat it on my own, somehow it always comes back to bite me in the arse.

My Dante is amazing and I love him to pieces, which just goes to show that no matter how fucked-up your past is you can find a future. I know that sounds like it was straight from a Hallmark card but I guess cliches are based on truth.

Woo for b3ta!!!
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Tue 19 May 2009, 9:25, closed)