Poetic licence
Hello.

I once worked in the 'consumer relations' dept (ie complaints factory) for a rather large company that made a rather well-known carpet/clothes stain remover - think pink! Unfortunately, the marketing department didn't do us many favours by over-emphasizing and occasionally exaggerating the claims of said product's stain removing ability.

One customer especially took issue with an advert we had running at the time: Generic Pretty Woman dipped a stained garment into a see-through glass tank filled with water mixed with our stain treatment product, in order to demonstrate it's efficacy. The customer complained that our product was nothing more than a 'tub of crap', and went onto inquire whether any fish were living in the tank, and if we had taken suitable measures to rehome them before the filming of the ad (he was being blatantly sarcastic, but we had to treat all questions as serious). I sent the usual standard responses for how we didn't harm/test on animals, and asked for more details about what sort of stain he was trying to remove etc. Within the hour I received the following reply...



I was pleased to hear that the fish were not harmed
distressed of otherwise alarmed,
And sadly the same could be said about the clothes
for the stains are still very much attached to those.

Before I put them in the water
I read the instructions like I ought'a
I done as it said to do on the side of the tub
before I went off to have a bit of grub.

But twelve hours later, this morning in fact
with the stains still there I changed tact
I boiled washed the items in the machine
by now screaming things somewhat obscene

What the stains are, I shall never know
Tea, coffee, or something alien like cocoa
And while I know not what caused this blemish
I do know I can't shift it with your soppy promise

All I need now is my four quid back
for I have given you products the proverbial sack
But I warn you now not to clean it up with your stuff
Because you'll find it's just not good enough...

Four quid please.



Least to say, this poem was printed out and stuck to one of the walls, where I think it still remains to this day.
( Matoosh would rather like a biscuit, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:56, 8 replies)

Vanish
Does not clear Irn-Bru from carpet.

but neither does sandblasting, sulphuric acid or fire.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 13:25, closed)

That's because
The active ingredient in Irn Bru *is* sulphuric acid.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 14:53, closed)

Apparently:
These days, every nuclear plant in the UK is equipped with Carpet Offcuts pre-soaked in Irn Bru*. In the event of a core breach, these sections of carpet can be used to safely contain any danger; because nothing can shift Irn Bru stains.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 15:39, closed)

I hate poetry
I can appreciate people wanting to write it, and there is the odd one that does appeal, but uses of it like the above are fucking dire. It's the same as adverts with shitty songs in them, like that go compare one that is on at the moment with the tenor.

fucking terrible.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 13:48, closed)

they could have at least made the effort
to keep the meter consistent. that's fucking shite.
(keyboardman, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 14:29, closed)

you just know that the dick who wrote it
was clapping themselves on the back and applauding their own wit and talent.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 16:01, closed)

To be fair
I'm applauding him too.

Bit of the 'ol humor.
(Scritty Bakerman., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 0:20, closed)

The GoCompare advert
is abysmal because of the existance of that tenor. His only function was to be the punchline of "he's only a tenor".
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:58, closed)