mmm, cheap meat, cheap enema
When I moved house a while back, I had to blow every damn penny I had on security deposits and moving costs, so I had to last a week on £15 before my next pay packet came through. So off I trot to asda and buy all the cheap shit I can find, lots of pasta, rice and joy of joys, asda economy burgers. 8 for 99p!

Dear Lord, never again.

I've never had food poisoning before. And I'll die a happy man if I never have it again. Approx 1^1/2 hours after eating a couple of these sawdust burgers, I was being very, very, very sick into the toilet. It was spraying out so violently that I had to dip my head under the rim to keep it all in the bowl. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then started coming out the other end with just as much gusto. I had to choose between sick in toilet or shit in toilet. In the end, to save destroying the carpet, I had to puke in the toilet and shit in my pants. This went on for about 30 minutes. By the end it was just bright orange bile coming out of both ends. My throat and arsehole burned red hot for days.

I'll never forget the sensation of hot liquid shit endlessly filling the seat of my trousers and then spreading down the legs. I had to bend my legs tightly to create a seal and keep it all from spreading out onto the carpet. And to round it all off, those 99p burgers ruined a £20 pair of jeans.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 12:42, 7 replies)

highly erotic
that story could only be hotter if you were being watched by a dwarf who continually muttered "oh what a lovely tea party" whilst jerking off a dog.

on the few occasions when I have had a double evacuation I always park my arse on the toilet, firstly as the sink is often in close enough proximity to act as a puke recepticle, and secondly cos there is nothing worse than cleaning up runny poo.
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 12:46, closed)

I hear ya
Twice I have had the joy of trying to decide if I am going to shit or puke due to food poisoning. It's hard to describe the feeling of puking down a toilet that you have just pebble dashed for the 8th time.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 12:49, closed)

Just get naked
then, while you shit you can puke down your front where the excess falls between your legs and into the correct disposal unit.

The only clearing up you need to do once you've finished is to shower yourself.

(There is the small matter of puke on your balls whic has to be dealt with mentally, for a considerable amount of time afterwards)
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 4 Jan 2008, 13:09, closed)

Have a child
Then, because ou have a (winnie the pooh branded - appropriately) bucket near the toilet for wifey to soak kiddies shit-smeared clothing in detergent when required, you can sit on the throne and shout ralph into the bucket simultaneously.

I only wish that I had not experienced the events leading to me being able to dispense this advice.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 13:14, closed)

hmmm
I suppose you could sit/stand in the bath and then all shit and puke ends up in there.

although you will probably end up with a blocked up bath so maybe the best thing to do in this situation is ignore me.
(lei, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 19:44, closed)

Yep
Lei you are right - sit in the bath or shower and keep a tap running. Poke the lumps down the plug hole with your toes if you really have too. Far better as you can just relax (well, as much as possible) and let the purge happen.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 4 Jan 2008, 21:52, closed)

greencloud has a point
althouhg to be fair mine is (was - its gone now i use a plastic paper bin in times of emergency) very useful for placing between feet, then lean forward, this has the added advantage of alowing gravity to help with both evacuations
(pogo_it, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 16:52, closed)