I have complained to Poundland *shakes fist*
Dear Sir / Madam

I have been a lifelong shopper at Poundland over many weeks and have never felt the need to complain, grumble or discuss any of the numerous purchases I have made at your stores ‐ particularly the fabulous new retail store on Clayton Street, Newcastle ‐ until now.

Before I launch into the minutiae of my complaint, let me paint a picture. I am walking down the aisle in but fourteen weeks, and I have a honeymoon shortly after. As you can doubtless imagine, I am a bundle of nerves, but, being from Newcastle, I am also extremely careful with money (which makes stores like yours a godsend!). Thus, in order to save up for the wedding, I have been employing lots of cost‐cutting measures:

-buying a cheaper cat food for my cats Hindenburg and Yorkie;
- turning the heating down overnight;
- refusing to pay my council tax;
- only having two baths a day rather than the extravagant three showers I previously had; and
- saving all my spare change.

Now, the last point is perhaps the most critical so I’ll repeat it ‐ I am saving up change. Now, I have tried all manner of receptacles for my loose change, from the moderately successful (twenty pence coins can slot neatly into Smarties tubes) to the downright folly (the ‘Aztec Trail’ fruitie in my local) and nothing has really cut the mustard. I wanted something with a satisfying metal clank AND the inability to access the saved coinage unless the container was destroyed. Alas, it was never to be.

Until Friday 20 August, that is. I happened to be stealing some pens from a colleagues desk (Sharpies, since you ask) when I noticed Michael Jackson staring at me from behind some loose‐leaf files. Thankfully, he hadn’t risen from the dead, but rather she had found THE PERFECT SOLUTION to my coin‐worries ‐ a metal tin with a slot that can only be opened (and thus destroyed) with a tin‐opener! I had to sit down (partly because my pockets were laden with stationery) and catch a breath. This was it! I had to have it for myself but no ‐ the cleaner had started pushing her Henry around and although she is deaf, I could not risk pocketing the tin. BECURSES.

After a sweaty weekend (heat and anxiety), I rushed into work on Monday to demand of my colleague the location and price of the tin. She excitedly answered my questions with one word ‘Poundland’, spraying me with pastry crumbs whilst doing so. She knew I was clever enough to work out the price from the location, and so, that very afternoon, I almost dashed into the store to find such a tin.
However, this is where the problem starts. I searched high and low between the toolsets, menthol filters, Hannah Montana lunchboxes and bags of sweets, but I could not find a tin to meet my needs. See, they were all a little…festive. Now see, in all honesty, I’m as gay as a flowering meadow and have no problem admitting who I am, but at the same time, I don’t like it to be ‘my thing’. I don’t want people referring to me as the ‘fat gay guy in the admin team’ or ‘the mary upstairs who knows how to use the franking machine’ because I feel I am so much more than that.

But, no, your store was unable to cater to my needs, and I was forced to buy a moneytin which is perhaps the most camp, girly endeavour you can imagine. My need to save money won out over my need not to be so…’flaming’, so it was back to work with said tin where, as you can imagine, I was jeered and jostled and I am too ashamed to actually use the tin, instead resorting to hiding it in my drawer and surreptitiously sliding coins in there. This is no way to live.

I have included three photos of this offensive tin for your appraisal, one of which shows the barcode so you know that I’m not making this woeful tale up. I am sure you can agree with me when I say that it’s an especially fruity moneytin for a man to have. The reason I am writing to you then is to simply encourage you to stock more ‘masculine’ choices. If there was a tin with a picture of say, The Stig on the side, slightly warped and off‐colour, I would have been left a much happier man.

I look forward to your reply,

Many thanks
thenumber18

************

I hope I'm allowed to post this, but here is a picture of the picture of the tin in question. Good lord!

thenumber18.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/poundland-complaint_page_2.jpg
(thenumber18, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 19:23, 8 replies)

that is quite spectacularly camp.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 19:45, closed)

Gay? Newcastle? Tight?
...with money I should add?

Are you me? If not, would you like to be?!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Sep 2010, 22:26, closed)

Spray it with spray paint till it's black all over.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 22:41, closed)

That is one fugly money box, I second the idea of black spray paint.

(Yup that is Charlie Clements on the Orange Wednesday ads.)
(mad-mother, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 22:52, closed)

My 4-yr-old...
...is mad on Disney Princesses. If I find something more suitable for the manly butch specimen you undoubtedly are, can we swap?
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 23:05, closed)

Bearing in mind
that it's full of his money, which can't be removed without destructive force?
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 9:43, closed)

Two baths a day?
Blimey.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 13:36, closed)

Good lord.
Paint, and fast with it!
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 2:29, closed)