A Tale of Lust, Hanson and Dumb Waiters
How I wish I could claim this story as my own, but lamentably it belongs to the singer from my band, a source of constant amusement.

Many years ago Earl (name changed slightly to protect the guilty) was courting a young lady with high prospects, this had been underway for some time and he had finally got to the stage of being invited back to hers for, he hoped, the opportunity to make the beast with two backs.

On arriving at her gaff he finds that this is a large 3 storey Victorian affair in which the girl lives with her parents.

Metaphorically rubbing his hands with glee, Earl skipped merrily* up the stairs to the bedroom of this comely young lady.

(*may not have skipped merrily)

I feel at this stage that I should point out the due to his appearance Earl had been mistaken on several occasions for the oldest one out of that shit band Hanson. Tall, long face, long blonde hair.

Thus, stepping into the shrine to Hanson that was this girl's bedroom was quite a shock to him.

Every square inch of the walls was covered by posters of Hanson, and the oldest one in particular.

Naturally, as he was likened to the guy from Hanson quite a lot in those days (these days it's Chris Martin, not sure which is worse) he didn't take this as a coincidence and thought that he should make like a truck full of donkeys and haul ass!

Hastily making his excuses he left the room and made to leave the house.

Here the story should end, and that would be fairly cringeworthy in itself but no, Earl is well known among his friends for not really thinking things through before he does them.

Fortunate for us as we have a long list of hilarious stories to listen to, but I hope that my band will get at least one album recorded before he does himself some serious mischief.

Most of us would have indeed left the house via the stairs and the door, but Earl had other ideas. As he passed the dumb waiter that serviced the top floor of this house I can only assume that the thoughts running through his mind (if any) involved "When am I going to get another chance to do this?"

Without hesitation he clambered into the dumb waiter (I'm assured it was a large dumb waiter) and slammed the door shut behind him.

and plummeted 3 stories to come crashing down in the kitchen in an explosion of wood which quite surprised the girl's father who was in the kitchen at the time.

Usually by this point in the tale we are all laughing so hard that the narrative runs dry, but as far as I can tell the guy was so dazed by the fact that some young moron had ridden his dumb waiter in some kind of insane death plunge that he escorted Earl from his house and nothing more was said of it.

I do know that my mate never saw or spoke to the girl again.

Hopefully this will amuse. If so, or even if not, I might decide to share with you some other incidents from Earl's back catalogue, such as the Indiana Jones incident, or the Dog Rape....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 13:41, 9 replies)

You have me in tears at work
*clicks*
( Captain V, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 13:49, closed)

:)
Most worthy. Thanks for the laughs!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 13:51, closed)

nicely told
hilarious
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:01, closed)

I don't know what a dumb waiter is.
And so, don't get this story.sad face.
(BarryChuckle, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 16:50, closed)

a dumb waiter
for those that don't know, is a sort of mini elevator that they used to have in big posh houses and have now in some restaurants so that food can be quickly carried from the kitchen several floors below without getting cold.

edit: they aren't meant to have people in them. My mate would pretty much have had to curl up into a ball to fit in it.

These days they work much like elevators, whereas in the old days they would work on a system of ropes and pulleys.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 9:22, closed)

This is fucking awesome
Best I've read this week.
And damn well-written.
( Cawl, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 10:08, closed)

praise indeed!
I've been waiting for an opportunity to share it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 10:36, closed)

I think Earl is full of shit
or he is a secret shirt-lifter but can't come to terms with it.
I'm sorry, I can't believe that anyone gets to a girl's bedroom and then decides she is too strange to fuck because of her Hanson fetish. On a one-night stand, cold feet or better judgement (usually from sobering up) might intervene, but not when he has been trying to pork her for a while.
By the time he reached the bedroom he should have had a hardon like a diamond-cutter,and NOTHING deflates one of them, does it? Fuck it, I'd have been singing HmmmmBop while I knocked her back doors in.

Drop your keys in front of him and you might get to see which end he bowls from.

Still, bring on the Dog Rape story!
(Rsoles, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:42, closed)

knowing the guy well, as I do
I was also surprised to hear him say he didn't pork her, because frankly, he'll shag anything.

this was some years ago though...

The above is how he told it, but I suspect that he probably shagged her (whilst mmmbopping) and then legged it, via the dumb waiter

I also have to reiterate that he really did look a lot like the guy from Hanson, and had actually been mistaken for him on several occasions. By the time this event happened he was mighty sick of it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:54, closed)