In court (and off topic)
I often have to read out a statement, or deal with a witness giving evidence when something is said that would ordinarily reduce me to giggles. I have to hold it together, obviously, or risk being held in contempt. Some are innuendo, some are just plain funny.

Examples include:

"What did you do after the incident?"
"I went home, got into bed and just sorted myself out" -- victim in indecent assault trial


"When he had taken the items, I then saw him go straight for the chocolate aisle" -- security guard in shoplifting trial


"Any reason your DNA would be on the trainers?"
"No"
"Well they'll be sent off for insemination, ok?" -- officer interviewing suspect


"Do you know what you were hit with?"
"No, I didn't see, I just know it was long and hard" -- victim in an assault trial


"Another male, about 5'11", with short brown hair, was present, I will refer to him throughout my statement as ARSEHOLE" -- witness statement in assault trial.


"I knew it was Dean because he had "DEAN" tattooed on his neck" -- witness in assault trial


We have a folder with copies of the best ones, I'm going to publish it one day, and retire on the proceeds. Which I'll probably have to spend avoiding all kinds of legal action!

Oh, and our CCTV compilation would win You've Been Framed any day of the week -- a collection of the finest trampfights, pissheads, and inept thieves that the world has to offer, most of whom suffer some sort of extreme pain at some point, either at the hands of the local constabulary or fellow members of the criminal underclass.

I actually like my job.
(Exiled Youth [witty comment], Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:29, Reply)