Downstairs ouch, and gratitude
When I was at uni, doing what students do, or certainly used to, I had loads of booze and combined that with a sizeable number of jazz cigarettes.

In my less than sober state, I incredibly managed to secure the affections of a young lady. This was turning out to be the greatest night ever...! We stumbled back to her place (eventually), and both got nekkid on her bed. At this point the large amounts of drugs we had taken took control, and despite the fact that we were both ready for naughtiness, we had no option but to collapse on her bed and fall into a very deep sleep.

I woke up first, and noticed a small problem. Rememeber that I said we were ready to be naughty? Well I was still ready, in that I had fallen asleep with my foreskin down, only now I found that my purple helmet was bigger and purplier (neologism) than ever before. To the extent that it was so full of blood I was unable to pull my foreskin back over it... I skedaddled pretty sharpish and let myself out before the long, painful walk home.

Now as a man, I decided to follow the man's rule of health - not to worry about it until it's deadly serious, and let my body sort itself out - because it can't take long until normal service is resumed, surely? After three days it had not sorted itself out, and I had to walk like Chon Wang, so I went to see the doctor. The noble doctor managed to control his giggles (or at least I didn't read about it in last week's QotW), and referred me to Casualty. There I had the great pleasure of standing in a cubicle with my legs wide apart as a junior doctor took the next step in his education: pulling my foreskin back with rubber gloves and tonnes of vaseline. I wasn't given a stick to bite on (17th century surgery had at least one thing right), but managed to stop myself from screaming in pain as my soldier had his helmet restored at great painful length.

No lasting damage was done, and I am eternally grateful to the good people of the LGI for their patience and not openly laughing in my face. Remember kids, sometimes after overindulging it is often better to leave the sexytimes until the next morning, and gentlemen, never fall asleep without restoring your body to its intended state....

Length? Well it's now in perfect working order and this has been scientifically tested in the appropriate environments.
(Elephantine Galoot is on the M62 heading east at, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 21:14, Reply)