This might take a while
I am going to list the irritating things that irritate me like getting an itchy scrote in a packed bus.

-Middle-aged men/women driving a BMW/Mercedes/Audi/Porsche Cayenne. There is a thing under your steering wheel, to the left. It is your indicator. If you pull it back, it sometimes flashes the headlights. If you do not indicate, whilst on your mobile phone, and attempt to intersect me and my car's place in the space-time continuum, you will find out how disagreeable having the second option in your rear-view mirror is.

- Customers. I don't know why, but people expect the world of me. I am a shelf stacker, i could tell you which wine would compliment your cheese, but understand this... i am a shelf stacker. And it wouldn't matter what i recommend anyway, you'll still buy some Californian shite anyway.

- People who cannot spell. This is basic human right, and people who cannot spell and will not accept my Grammar Nazi status when correcting them, should be burned at the stake.

- Social gym-goers. The gym is for working out, toning one's physique (or tits, in my case) and getting-the-fuck-out after an hours sweat. There is no conversation. I'm wearing headphones. I do not want to converse with you. Get it through your testosterone bloated head.

- Being expected to tip the pizza delivery guy. I am just a skint as you are, and no matter how much you 'hum' and 'haw' on my doorstep, i will not tip you. You simply drove my pizza to me. I am grateful - now fuck off.

- Supporters of the Tories/Libdems/SNP/BNP/Labour/Green parties. It's not that i abstain from political discussion, i just don't care for your regurgitated post-Guardian opinions on the political climate in Tibet. Honest to God, i have more interesting things to do. Like have a wank, or stare into space.

- People who think liking more than one brand of whisky/vodka/gin/rum is pretentious. Tell me, would you argue that Coke is the same as Pepsi?

- People who overuse or misuse 'plethora', 'myriad', 'irregardless', 'verbatim', 'curmudgeonly', and the word 'banter'.

- People who say the 'banter' was good last night. It wasn't. The craic was ace, the 'banter' is A FUCKING SHITEY OVERUSED WORD BY CHAVS.

- Techno Techno Techno Techno Techno music.

- Students. I am one, i will be one again. But i will never EVER wear a keffiyeh as a fashion accessory, think that not washing clothes for weeks is 'cool', dig the latest 'The' band because they're playing the Union this week, drink poor quality vodka because i'm too skint to afford the good stuff, think that going to classes is a chore, discuss Nietzsche as if i could revolutionise the country with his philosophical stance, admire Che Guevara as an revolutionary, or ever think it is ok to declare people as subhuman because 'mummy and daddy couldn't afford to get them a place in Oxbridge'.

- The foil that covers toothpaste. Why must i use a knife to remove this?

- Bartenders who insist on putting melted ice into my daiquiri. No, stop it. It is wrong, and i am telling you how i want my drink. You are doing it wrong. I will pay the difference, i do not mind. You are still doing it wrong. STOP BLASPHEMING A CLASSIC DRINK YOU UTTER COCKTARDED FOOL!

- The American attitude to Ancestry; you are 7th Generation Scots-Irish you say? Roots in County Meath/West Ayrshire? Y'don't say! Wow, jeepers... that's amazing. Did you know that your real special to have those roots because HALF OF AMERICA IS MADE UP OF THE SAME FUCKING ANCESTRY? I DON'T CARE AT ALL. I CAME TO THIS BAR TO GET A PINT OF YOUR SHITTY EXCUSE FOR GUINNESS, NOT TO TALK BOLLOCKS ABOUT SOME ANCESTRY THAT IS NOW SO DILUTED YOU LOOK LIKE A BEIGED UP VERSION OF A KOREAN.

- People who insist on placing capos on the 8th or 9th fret of the guitar to make it sound like some sort of autistic ukulele. No. Stop it.

- People who shred in guitar shops on the latest piece of wanktastic guitar metal because they can. I'm just here for some picks, stop thrusting your crotch and that Ibanez whatever in my face. I just need some picks to play my acoustic guitar with. Stop it, right now.

- Folk who park awkwardly in car parks.

That's all for now, part two will appear later.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 2 May 2008, 3:35, 11 replies)

I think you should be peeved with yourself
You wrote "Being expected to tip the pizza delivery guy. I am just a skint as you are, and no matter how much you 'hum' and 'haw' on my doorstep"

Should that not be "Just AS skint as you are"
???
(The Sitmpwa, Fri 2 May 2008, 5:21, closed)

Fantastic rant!
*click* mostly for the autistic ukelele :D
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:26, closed)

Toothpaste
Don't the lids of toothpaste have a pointy bit on so you can pierce the foil? A bit like tubes of tomato paste? Or have I just come up with possible my best invention of the day?!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:57, closed)

click
Again particularly for the autistic ukulele but also the guys that shred on their horrible Ibanezes.
(BarryChuckle, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:15, closed)

Ms van P
I guess I should look all humble and say that of course I knew that was there all the time. (Tittybiscuits! How bleeding obvious! I am a thick twat at times.)
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 2 May 2008, 13:58, closed)

Yay
for Grammar Nazis.
(YayLady is cold, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:05, closed)

Huzzah
for the observation on the American attitude to ancestry. Were you born in Ireland? No? THEN YOU ARE NOT FUCKING IRISH!! And no, we are not both selts. I am a selt, you are a sunt*.

*Cheers, Richard Burton.
( HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Fri 2 May 2008, 14:17, closed)

Sorry to point this out
But, when discussing Merkin roots, should it not read 'Did you know that you're real special'?

I'm not normally a pedant, but when you make statements like "People who cannot spell and will not accept my Grammar Nazi status when correcting them, should be burned at the stake" then you're setting yourself up for a fall
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 2 May 2008, 18:42, closed)

@Pavlov's Frog
This being a message board, surely Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation must apply. This states:

"...that any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror."
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Fri 2 May 2008, 20:11, closed)

people
who assume that all Oxbridge students are toffs are my pet peeve.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Tue 6 May 2008, 3:59, closed)

Oh christ yes
*click*

Mostly for the guitar shop references, and the insane capo heights :)
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Tue 6 May 2008, 7:32, closed)