this QOTW reminds me of the ex-secretary at ex-work on the phone
[names have been changed to protect me]

'hey, matthew, it's me, lisa. i just wanted to say hi and to tell you how nice it was to meet you last night. i really enjoyed talking to you, especially after everything i've been through recently, you know it's so nice to meet a genuinely, really nice guy for a change. you know, you're a really good listener and i felt so much better for being able to get everything off my chest to you. i'm sorry i couldn't offer you coffee when you came back to mine because the milk had gone off, but first thing this morning, i went out and got a 2 litre bottle, so there'll be plenty the next time you come round. and, look, i'm also sorry if, you know, you got the wrong idea when you came back to mine. i'm just not that kind of girl, it takes someone special for me to be able to ... get close to someone, to open up, you know, because of the way i've been hurt in the past. but something tells me there's something special about you and i know you'll want to wait until the time is right. look, sorry, i've got to go, some bitch wants me to post something somewhere. give me a call when you get this message. bye. it's lisa, by the way, from last night. bye.'

'hey matthew, it's me, lisa. hi, look, sorry about the long rambling message last time, it's just that, i dunno, i guess i just feel like i can really open up to you. anyway, i'm in the mood for cooking tonight and you said last night that you like italian. or was it thai? well, anyway, why don't you come round tonight after work and i'll cook you a nice meal. my parents are out till about 10 or so at least, but, don't worry, i'm sure you'll get on fine, i know they'll really like you. don't worry, you can sleep on the sofa, they're totally cool. you can come round anywhere between 7 and 7.30. oh, shit, look i've got to go, it's that bitch again. ah, i'm really looking forward to seeing you. don't be late! bye. give me a call when you get this message. bye.'

'hey matthew, it's me lisa. hi, i was just wondering how you spell your name. i've got it in my phone with two Ts but then I remembered this guy came into work once, and i spelt his name with two Ts, and he was all like, 'yuh, actually, it's one T' and gave me a really dirty look. so i just thought i'd ask. one T? i mean, that's stupid, i mean, isn't that just spelling it wrong? oh, shit, look, if you spell yours with one T, then I'm reeally sorry. oh man, i'm always fucking up like this. shit! oh, emma! emma! get emma for me, will you? she's gone out the door. EMMA!! emma, are you going to maccy D's? oh great, get me a big mac, large fries, large coke, apple pie, and chocolate and banana milkshake, and don't take any shit if they say they can't mix the shake, i saw them do it yesterday for some tart with her tits hanging out. look, i don't have the money right now, i'll give it to you later, cheers. hurry up, i'm starving! hi, matthew? sorry about that. what was i saying? bollocks, i can't remember. anyway, i'd better go, but give me a call when you get this message. lots of l- shit sorry, i mean, bye, see you later. bye.'

'hi matthew, i know you said to call you matt, but i don't know, i prefer matthew. anyway, look, i hope you didn't get the wrong end of the stick earlier when i said, well it might have sounded like i said something that i didn't actually say, i'm probably saying this for nothing, but i just didn't want you to think that i'm some kind of nutter. i mean, my friends say i'm mad, but, you know, not in a bad way. anyway, give me a call as soon as you can because my mum said she'd get the shopping for dinner tonight i just wanted to double check whether you wanted thai or italian, or was it chinese? well, i don't like chinese, so it'll have to be thai or italian. anyway, she's leaving in 10 minutes, so give me a call. got to go, bye.'

'hi, matthew? it's lisa. can you give me a call please? bye.'

'matthew, it's lisa. call me, i need to speak to you immediately. bye.'

'matthew? it's lisa. i don't know why you didn't return any of my messages yesterday. i think that's basically really rude and immature. and don't bother trying to tell me that your battery's died because i have delivery reports set up on my mobile and i got one for the text i sent you yesterday so i know your phone's been on. if you don't want to talk to me then you could at least be man enough to tell me to my own face, because that's what adults do. i've gone to a lot of trouble for you. my mother went out to get the shopping, even though she only recovered from her hip operation last week and i waited all night, dinner was ruined by the way, but don't bother calling because i'm tired and i just don't need this now. i'll speak to you later. i hope you're feeling happy with yourself. goodbye.'

'matthew. it's over. i never want to see or speak to you again. i can't believe how wrong i was about you. i can't believe i opened up to you, let you get close. as it turns out, you're just like all the rest, you pretend you care but you don't. are you happy now? kicking a girl when she's down? well, i'm too good for you, i deserve better than this. i don't ever want to speak to you again. goodbye. it's lisa, by the way.'

one time, a guy actually did call her back and managed to screw her for tens of hundreds of pounds. i think there's lessons for us all.
(threadkiller, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 23:57, 11 replies)

Holy crap!
Just reading that made me want to dump her.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 10 Jun 2008, 0:03, closed)

yup.
foolproof.
(threadkiller, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 0:17, closed)

yeah, I like it better
when women don't ever want to see me again.

My favourite is when they say "I had a really good time last night", because then I know my sexual technique is fine and it's just my personality.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 0:23, closed)

Outstanding
*applauds*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 0:45, closed)

I was just wondering where the muscley armed paper boy is
gonna bring me some good news

(points for anyone who knows what i'm going on about)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 9:37, closed)

^freaky old man
from family guy

he disturbs me
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 9:47, closed)

"Get your fat ass back over here"
Quite right Vipros, kudos is in the post.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 9:49, closed)

tens of hundreds of pounds
is that like thousands?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 10:57, closed)

@spimf
Nah, that's like tens of tens of tens of pounds.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:10, closed)

@althegeordie
ahh i see

you see i'm a weegie. the maximum value of annything is hunners

eg

"are there any teabags left?"

"aye theres hunners in there"

or

"was Malky's party any good"

"eye it was a a belter - hunners ay cunts* there"

*cunt is often a friendly term in glasgow

eg "so dae ye know Malky then"

"aye i see him doon the gym - hes a good cunt"

.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:31, closed)

to spimf
i think so. i was going to exaggerate wildly but kind of lost steam.
(threadkiller, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 11:48, closed)