supermarket takedown / parenting by proxy
picture the scene. you're in a morrisons. you're hung to the over. you're halfheartedly scouring the shelves for some ingredient for the night's meal. in the aisle is a woman on her mobile, talking very loudly about absolutely nothing at all, clearly something she's a great authority on, in a snooty middle england nasal voice. to pad the scene, let's imagine she's got a bottle of overpriced balsamic vinegar in one hand.
her delightful offspring is running amok, yelling like a banshee, pushing past shoppers, swinging some kind of toy lightsaber round, knocking stuff off shelves. round and round the aisle he goes. knocks past me once, twice, pushing past imperiously as if i am at fault for DARING to impede his speedy process past the canned legumes section with my bulky presence.
as he clears the end of the aisle, the doppler effect reliably informs me he is once again approaching.
as the patter of feet gets louder, and the yelling increases, it suddenly occurs to me that the very thing i seek could be on the opposite shelf, so, without further ado me, and my heavy, child face height wire basket of tins and root veg turn to face the other shelf.

*spang*
*intake of breath*
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*gulp*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! MUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! *gulp* aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


oops.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:09, 34 replies)

Ace, click.
Seen and not heard.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:13, closed)

Evil? Naw.
click
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:36, closed)

oh.
i can haz evil?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:03, closed)

done exactly the same thing. Except I stopped to ask the kid 'what did you learn?'
(skgorsky, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:45, closed)

Should have asked the question to their mother tbh
Running about in inappropriate places is what kids do if their arrogant parents let them.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:48, closed)

That there's a lot of QOTW people willing to justify assaulting children?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:33, closed)

Who'd have thought that a bunch of oversensitive internet hardmen would be comfortable with seriously injuring children?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:43, closed)

At least they're not taking the piss out of other people on the internet though.
I'd grass them up to their bosses for that.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:53, closed)

Have a click.
I tread on the backs of their legs "accidentally".
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 11:47, closed)

Oh man, I love assaulting children. Click here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:28, closed)

you MONSTER.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:29, closed)

assault?
assault would imply action of an offensive nature.
i merely turned to inspect another shelf, and was COMPLETELY stationary and looking the other way at the point of impact. IF he hadn't been running, he could have stopped in PLENTY of time. it's not like i waited till he was down and put the boot in, a la edenmonster.
and that, your honour, is EXACTLY what happened.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:42, closed)

Ah, an Accordianist.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:58, closed)

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l7s2873HNp1qdoghio1_500.png
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:01, closed)

why are you telling me this?
i was calling badge a monster, not you. you're just an emotionally crippled bully with delusions of adequacy.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:04, closed)

this *IS* the random acts of evil qotw.
coming in here getting offended is kind of like standing by a big puddle on the pavement by a bus lane then moaning when you get splashed.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 15:31, closed)

Read a great one somewhere
about a guy standing in line at the checkout when the ankle-biter behind him turned out to be exactly that, to the point of drawing blood. The mother wasn't overly quick to discipline her spawn until the guy told her he was HIV+.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:46, closed)

You mean that old copypasta that's entirely made up?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:47, closed)

Ner ner, not listening to you.
I had pasta for lunch so I can have copypasta for dessert.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:59, closed)

Whenever someone annoys me slightly I tend to beat them up too
Right on brother!
( Theoban What of it, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 12:50, closed)

I like this...
...question. it's helping me get a clearer picture of who the utter cunts are.

I hope someone twats you in the face with a basket full of canned goods, you pathetic bully.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:34, closed)

This one is certainly bringing out the Accordianists.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:45, closed)

If you are updating the archive you must be flat out.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:49, closed)

Do you also believe that trees hit motorists?

(ubergeekian, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 13:59, closed)

Are you retarded?

I don't believe that trees are aware of when cars are coming towards them and then move to stand in positions that they weren't previously in when they know there is a car headed in that direction, no.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 14:08, closed)

So
why do you seem to think that a stationary basket can hit a running child?
(ubergeekian, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 14:32, closed)

Seriously, are you retarded? Is it a medical condition?
because I'll be much nicer to you if you are, as at the moment you are just coming across as a low IQ prick who can't grasp simple concepts.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 14:46, closed)

Only when they're drunk.

(Blahh, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 17:01, closed)

if we're going to split hairs, it should be
'i hope you run into a stationary basket of canned goods while running round like a headless chicken screaming, you pathetic bully'
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 15:32, closed)

No, I know what I hope.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 15:35, closed)

I was going to point out that you're an utter prick,
but I see that everyone else has beaten me to it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 20:01, closed)

Well I liked the story anyway.

( Bats, Fri 17 Feb 2012, 20:20, closed)

lmao
b3ta.com/links/coffee_aint_it
( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Sat 18 Feb 2012, 0:20, closed)

Well, you utter bastard
Have a click.

And don't take any notice of Scarpey, it's his time of the month.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 0:29, closed)