My friend told me this story once....
My friend is one of these people who tells you every grimacing detail of his life no matter how explicit or humiliating the detail is..

This is one story he told me.

He's had a skin full of ale and ended up back at a girls house, he's fair game, gets her into bed but she informs him it's the time of the month and the most he is gonna get is a hand job. Anyway, she gives the old soldier a bit of a tug, before he decides he is pissed off with the false promises. So he storms out of bed and gets a taxi home.

He gets home, still bladdered from the night out and decides his little altercation has left him still feeling a bit horny. So he puts a porno on the tv and proceeds to wank him self dry into a piece of toilet tissue.

He reckons he hadn't had a wank for a while and he said there was a good old clump of man fat in the tissue (i know, he's very graphic)

Anyway, he goes to sleep.......

Next day, he wakes up, and like the morning after any decent night out, you need a beer shit to sort you out. So he get's up, and takes a shit, he then realises that he has no toilet paper or anything of that description in is house. The only object that he could conceivably wipe his arse on was the tissue filled with his own spunk. Guess what ladies and gents.....Yep, he did it, he wiped his arse with the tissue.

After telling me the story I said to him, what if someone came into your house that night and murdered you. There would have been a murder trial with proper autopsies taking place and your poor mother would have to listen to evidence stating samples of her sons seaman were found in his own anus.

Classic - the most genius form of recycling toilet paper, wanking and shitting, two of life's finer pleasures
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Wed 29 Oct 2008, 15:31, 9 replies)

The incorrect spelling of 'semen'
is especially funny in this instance.

*click* for good yarn also though.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 15:38, closed)

Winner!
I like this one!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 15:40, closed)

well okay, *click*
But he could have directed the shower head towards his arse. And it's not like he was so tight he refused to go and buy bog roll - the man was caught short and I sympathise.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 16:12, closed)

Plenty of alternatives..
Kitchen roll, you can even peel down the cardboard of the toilet roll and use that in emergencies. Hankerchiefs, even newspaper at a push.

One thing though, the man juice might have dried by the morning anyway. And its not like it was someone elses shag rag :)

Oh I once also grabbed a used pair of underwear, used them and threw straight in a hot boil wash :D
(Miggyman, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 16:17, closed)

So...
why didn't he just stay for the hand shandy with the rag-monster? He could have nipped off a 2' growler at her place as well and skipped off merrily home in the morning leaving it peeping over the rim. Double win!
(Rsoles, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 19:45, closed)

I like the way that this could easily fit into about
5 different QOTWs
(brainwrong, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 8:49, closed)

he would probably need less paper too
the moisture on the tissues (keep them in the fridge) will aid easy removal of faecal matter from the sphincter. Like wet wipes, only more organic.

Thanks for the chuckle from this story
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 9:25, closed)

Wank Towel
In college my friend had a wank towel under his bed.

Never failed to spill his baby porridge for his morning wank, evening wank and go to bed wank.

By the end of term he could rest the towel against the wall because it was so hardened my man goo.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 11:28, closed)

Wank Towel: Redux
My God, I'm glad I'm a girl; our furtive finger romps are quite clean and tidy, thank you very much.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 11:40, closed)