Before I die? The lurker returns..
I thought this would be last night.

I was a recovering anorexic. Was being the main part. For 8-10 months now I've been relapsed and I now know that I'm dying. It's 22c in my house and I'm wearing a vest, a polarneck and a huge knit jumper, socks, thermal socks, and shoes - and I'm still shivering. The feeling in my fingers and toes comes and goes as it pleases, alternating between pins and needles, pain, or just numbness. My heart hurts with every beat that it takes. Like being stabbed with a skewer every couple of seconds. My head spins and struggles to focus on things any more. I can't use the toilet without a laxative overdose. I have a constant taste of blood in my mouth from vomiting everything I do break down and eat. My skin won't heal, and flakes off if I scratch it. My stomach is swollen and in pain constantly, and it gets worse if I try and eat anything. My beautiful hair falls out by the tens of strands if I so much as run my hand through it. I tie it up constantly now to stop it falling out so badly. My mouth is full of ulcers which aren't healing. I know that if I continue, I may not even make it until Christmas now. After 7 years with this disease, I now know I am finally dying and the heart attack could be coming at any time. I am suprised that I made it through the night, as I thought yesterday was the end.

But I am reasonably content with this. Whilst many people tell me that my life has sucked, I am happy and have done many things which I am proud of. I got a good education in the face of the bullies who tried to knock me down for every year I was at school. I completed sixth form college with failing kidneys - with higher than average grades, despite only actually attending 50% of classes. I sat an A level exam in agony, doped on sky high levels of painkillers to try and numb it, and got a B. I moved out and supported myself when I was 19 years old. I moved, alone, to a new city when I was 20. I got a job at the leading company in my chosen sector, to experience and live one of my passions in life. I have a dog, a 'difficult breed' who I have brought up and trained on my own. I have a caring and understanding partner who means the world to me, and accepts me for who I am, no matter how sick, well, angry, happy, stoned or sober I am. He looks after me. I am 22. I have no credit cards, no over draft, no loans. I have a moderate sized rented flat, a partner, a dog, and some fish. I have a stable job which I enjoy. I have seen several European countries. I have seen Canada. I have taken drugs and opened my mind. I have seen wolves howling in the wild. I was entered into the group of 'gifted and talented' youngsters whilst at school. I have seen the Ypres war graves and trenches where our ancestors fought and died for our freedom. I have seen dolphins playing wild and free in the ocean. I have seen wild whales. I have stood on the top of a mountain with the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my back, and skiied to the very bottom. I have seen Rome, and eaten home made Italian icecream whilst roaming around the Colloseum. I have driven a car at 100mph. I have met Rolf Harris! I have swam in the desolate, cool clear waters of natural waterfalls in hidden mountain ranges and I have leapt into the deep water below from the top of one. I have ridden the highest, longest, and scariest rollercoasters. I have loved, and lost. I have danced, centre stage, in some of the biggest Fetish club nights in the world. I have qualifications taken years before I was meant to take them. I can converse in three languages. I have performed in National winning drama and dance shows and competitions. I have galloped a horse full speed across a country field. I have fallen off that horse, and got straight back on. I have been to funerals for friends, and for family. I have helped the homeless and the needy. I have stopped for people, when others have walked on by, been the good samaritan. I have sat on a deserted beach and watched a shower of shooting stars whilst cuddling a stray puppy.

I have an eating disorder.
I am thin.

I hate that for years I have rated being thin over all those other things I have done in my short 22 years. But I feel I have lived and I am content with what I have achieved. It could be much worse. I have done SOMETHING to be proud of. I am sure there are many other people my age who can't say that.

The one thing that I know I can't do before I die is the one thing which ruins it all. I wish I hadn't hurt so many people to get here, in the state I am in. I wish that before I die, I could stop causing everyone close to me so much pain and die with a clear conscience. I wish that before I die, I could get better, and get on with enjoying life.

Length?.. This night? A year? The next 50 years? Who knows... Enjoy it whilst you still have it, live every day like it's your last and be sure to give yourself something to be proud of so that if you die tomorrow, you can die content.
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:26, 39 replies)

Yeah hahahahaha classic b3ta

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:39, closed)

Don't be a dick wotfooc.

( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:41, closed)

I guess
I guess it is classic in a way! Always got to have one big boring serious reply inbetween the funnies hehe
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:47, closed)

I haven't done any of those things
stop making me want to kill myself.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:50, closed)

So...
So go and do them! Granted, some of them were down to pure luck, like the whales and wolves. But if you're willing to work your arse off, you can do plenty of things to make yourself proud, no matter how old or young you are. I'm not some nutjob crazy evangelist cunt, honest! Death just kinda throws everything into perspective is all.

Edit: and you can meet Rolf Harris at Marks and Spencers in Maidenhead high street fairly often too, I hear!
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:55, closed)

Hold on, I've met Peter Beardsley twice
I'm pretty sure that's better than all that hippy crap you've mentioned.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 13:38, closed)

It gets better
If you let it

Life that is

And thats from someone who thought he had done it all and more by the time I was 22 while doing his best to self destruct as I went.

The stuff I have done between 22 and 45 is even better by miles and I thank whatever gods happen to be listning on a daily basis that I am still around to keep doing brainpopping things my parents would never have dreamed possible!

I am looking forward to being 60, fuck knows what I will be able to do then!

Don't sell yourself short

Live and love it
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 18:55, closed)

I know this bloke...
This guy I know must be 65 or so, and damn he has lived a good life. He still parties on a regular basis, takes home young girls for fun times, smokes hash religiously, DJs at events all over the UK and in Europe, and lives in the most amazing squat community. If I can be 65 and have had half the life he has lived, then damn, I'll be happy.
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:07, closed)

Nothing stopping you doing it
cept yourself

Best advice I ever had was, If you want to move on, get over stuff, get a new life,.... Imagine you are flicking a rubber band off your thumb. Aim the rubber band at where you want to be and pull it back, stretch it out ready to fire......... but if you want to get where you want to be, where you are aiming at .... you have to let go or the band don't fly!

To go forward you need to let go of whats behind
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:17, closed)

.
Completely true. One day I just realised that there is no reason in life to not just fucking go for it. What's the worst that can happen? I just wish I wasn't being haunted by illness. Perhaps that's the reason why I have such a "ah, fuck it, go on then" attitude though? You just got to go for it. That's the reason I went to get help (again...) cause I figured what's the worst that could happen? Your life never sucks, your situation is the only thing that can suck.
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:25, closed)

The one thing I had to work out myself though!
Was once you have found the courage and fired that old rubber band and placed your fate in the lap of the gods (who to be quite frank have spent many thousands of years fucking it all up big time if various religious texts are to be believed!)

Once you have taken the leap of faith, let go and moved on .....

Never ever ever look back

Its a train wreck back there, Even for normal people!. its best left in the past.

Whatever you do, Best 'o luck
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:34, closed)

I don't reckon you'd think that if you were his daughter.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:23, closed)

I think it might be Gary Glitter

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:31, closed)

Seconded
22 sucked.

Like being in a car in first gear, RPM in the red, and don't know what a gearstick is.

Hindsight rocks. Hope the OP lives long enough to cultivate some.
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:16, closed)

Eep... I think you just made me cry. *clicky*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:14, closed)

I know nothing about the mental side of anorexia, and I assume that's a tough hill to climb - but for the purely physical side, surely you can check youself into a hospital and have them ameliorate the symtoms somewhat - mainline you liquidised pie, or something? Sounds like you have a fair bit to live for - got to be worth staying alive long enough to properly address the more difficult mental side of things...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 19:43, closed)

I'm being looked after by the local NHS eating disorders unit atm, but only as out patient with "Go to A&E if you feel unwell" advice. Except it's the never really believing you're sick enough to warrant that... it's the fear that I'll get there and they'll tell me I'm being ridiculous, go home. I guess that's why it has the highest mortality rate of psychiatric conditions, cause even if I were having a heart attack, I'd still attempt to 'ride it out' cause "I'm sure it's nothing, I'm not that sick" so frustrating.
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:40, closed)

Surely it's better to hassle them for some attention and take whatever accusations of hypochondria might come your way, than effectively throw up your hands and write your own eulogy as an answer to a random question on a random website. They're there to help, and in my limited experience of the NHS, they do actually give a shit and do a damn fine job - you have to do the difficult part, master the mental side, but surely you can pass the physical bit onto them to sort out, and buy a little time...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 0:38, closed)

Fuck that's shit : (

( girlinthehole, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:03, closed)

What do you got? I love dogs, dogs are ace, they make me happy.
I'm a simple creature in a lot of respects. It's not entirely too late, I don't think, you should book yourself in into your local NHS. Might be able to fix you so you can do even more things.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:21, closed)

I have a Dobermann :) a big soft dappy male dobie. (AND a cat, people, and a cat!!! But I'm a closet dog person really... ahem) he's almost 4, complete with two giant dangling dog-bollocks. And he is batshit insane, as most dobes are. Likes nothing more than to cuddle, cuddle, cuddle, and suckle his blanket, bark at postmen, and cry when we don't let him off his lead in the park when he wants to go and play with the other doggies - he loves all doggies, even the ones who don't like other dogs!
As for the hospital, I just replied above about that. Good ol' NHS looking after me at the mo, but I'm thinking of going down the insurance route, as the NHS are so damn stretched that I'm only getting the bare minimum of care. The unit I'm at covers SIX London boroughs, so you can imagine how stretched they are :(
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:46, closed)

Pets are the best medicine : )

( girlinthehole, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 20:57, closed)

I'm sure...
Except for cancer.
And all diseases.

But they cheer you up!
( 6821isnotmyPIN Bored cig., Sun 17 Oct 2010, 6:05, closed)

You need to get fixed to look after it, they're like kids, they don't understand these things, they just want the person who smells like squrels (to them) to give them their food.
If you got the insurance, bung yourself down the local Priory, you'd be with a doctor in the morning and a base of a plan by the evening.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:12, closed)

That's what I'm hoping :) the downside was getting access to the insurance through my dad, who for years has believed I'm not sick. Until he saw me the other day and woo, I have all the insurance details now. Just sorting out what I am and aren't covered for and it's bye bye NHS, hello perhaps finally getting better. 7 years is far too damn long.

On the other hand, don't fancy grinding up the dog and eating him as medicine ;) but he certainly does help with keeping me going. Dobes are such a damn sensitive breed too, so he's uber anxious at the moment, bless him.
( Bathory, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:16, closed)

Aye, it's an easy one to brush under the carpet until it gets to your stage.
Going private is only better in emergancys, which this is.

Dogs are stunning in that respect, unconditional love and will take your secrets to their deathbed. They know when something is up, they can just tell.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:42, closed)

dogs are shit
we all know this
( mongychops, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:46, closed)

Nah', no dog is shit, any that where people reckon the dog is shit, it's 'cus their owner is shit.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:52, closed)

i hate dogs, let us never talk of this again

( mongychops, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:57, closed)

Eeee I love dobes
They're absolutely nuts, and soft as anything
( Major Turd for tonight only, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 23:44, closed)

I had one of those
She died in May this year, she was almost 13 years old and I cried for a week.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 20:18, closed)

pro tip
when your knee's are the same size as your thighs you are the perfect size, you go girl
( mongychops, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:41, closed)

FFS
Could you please just fuck off?
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 12:07, closed)

Very poor taste, but he has a right to post to post it
And I'm sue he's being post modern ironic...

Also, my comment re this; sort yourself, go check into hospital.

That's what I did (was forced into, kicking and screaming, actually) when I was so fucked I no longer cared about anything that happened to me. Worked a treat.

Now I'm even more ace than ever.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 19 Oct 2010, 9:34, closed)

Give her something to aim towards
that's the spirit, mongy. Good lad.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 13:36, closed)

Best piece of advice
I was told was "go to your deathbed saying "oh, fuck, I wish I hadn't done that" instead of "I wish I'd done that".....
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 16 Oct 2010, 21:56, closed)

I want
a happy ending to this
(lemonadegame, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 21:59, closed)

You are clearly a poetic and spiritual person
...so why the festering left-handed fuck don't you want to hang on to life to experience more of it? I admit I know nothing about your condition, and I wouldn't presume to give you advice about that, but I can't understand why you are content to die. Someone with your spirit and perception should be prepared to crawl naked over broken glass* to drink deeply of life and all it offers. Don't give up, the world needs more people like you!

* that's a metaphor, people, don't get excited
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 11:28, closed)