I've not posted here for a while, so 'ave some of this...

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(Mon 6th Jan 2014, 20:51, More)

Hello b3ta peeps, it's been a while. Have a thing...

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(Sun 1st Sep 2013, 17:41, More)

Great Scott!

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(Sat 5th Jan 2013, 10:42, More)

This has been stuck in my head for weeks...

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Too much of playing this, I suspect.
(Fri 24th Feb 2012, 13:19, More)

Hurrah!

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(Tue 14th Feb 2012, 12:55, More)

Trust me, I know about these things.

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Click here for my free short horror story MP3s!
(Mon 24th Oct 2011, 17:52, More)

To tell you the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement.

Click for +400 more thingies. Blimey, first FP in four years. Cheers Magic Donkey.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 13:37, More)

Biggerer

Click here if you're fabulous.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 13:44, More)

Clicky for lully biggerer version

14 clicks here gets me in the top 100 webcomics!
(Mon 5th Mar 2007, 14:00, More)

Clicky for lully biggerer version

Archive - Trouble Down Pit badges ! (...and other stuff like corsets and Matazone T-shirts)
(Mon 4th Dec 2006, 11:30, More)

When gravity attacks

o


Play my games!.
(Tue 28th Mar 2006, 18:20, More)

BUUUUGGGGGEEEEERRRRR!

Edit:Woo! First frontpage in ages! Cheers! My animations site.
(Wed 7th Jan 2004, 11:12, More)

Dressed in black and waving dafodils

Bloomin' Morrissey fans.

Clicky for bigger
(Wed 15th Jan 2003, 9:57, More)

Aww! Isn't it cute?

It's a celephant.
(Mon 6th Jan 2003, 9:16, More)

» Good Advice

Not mine, instead the awesome lyrics to Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen).
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how...

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

***

I believe that this came from an article in a newspaper originally before Baz Luhrman turned it into a song. Good advice, the lot of it.
(Thu 20th May 2010, 13:49, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

I was getting changed for swimming and two kids in the cubicle next to me were talking about the end of the world...
1: Did you know the sun's going to explode?

2: No.... When's that going to happen?

1: Oh, ages yet. About two or three hundred year's time.

2: Wow.... What're we going to do then?

1: Dunno. They'll probably make another one.

Fantastic.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 12:35, More)

» Workplace Boredom

The Bohemian Rhapsody Index.
When I was working early shifts on a Sunday in an off-license, it would often a long wait between customers. When all else was done in the shop, I finally resorted to the Bohemian Rhapsody Index. This is the number of times that you can sing the complete lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody between working. Sundays would commonly have a BRI of around 3. I did have one day that had a BRI of 5.
(Thu 8th Jan 2009, 13:14, More)

» Breakin' The Law

A bit of the opposite way around, this story
I was working in an off-license about five years ago and a couple of drunks come into my shop. One of them had taken a swipe at my head with a bottle of wine, I'd taken the bottle of him and told him to piss off, which he promptly did.

The police turn up, have a look around the area to see if they can spot the guys then come in to take my statement. About half an hour later we're sitting out the back of the shop going through it all and the bell dings for the front door of the shop. My boss wanders out to serve the customer and it's the mate of the guy who tried to attack me. My boss steps out the back and with a grin on his face says to the policeman "The friend of the guy who did the attack is in the shop asking if he left a bag behind. The attacker is standing out the front waiting for him."

Pause.

"What?" says the very baffled policeman.

"They're back and they are asking if they left a bag behind!" The grin on my bosses face is now rather huge. The policeman has a great expression on his face, quietly says "right" and tries to keep a straight face as he puts on his hat to go and arrest the very, very stupid people.

It gets better though. On attempting to arrest the guy who attacked me, the mate then decides it would be a good idea to jump on the back of the policeman. Now, what this was supposed to achieve is pretty ambiguous anyway, but he really should have factored in that the police were setting up a speed trap across the road at the time so in about five seconds he was manually lifted and thrown to the floor by seven officers.

A few minutes later the policeman walks into the shop to tell us everything is fine and they've been arrested. He was utterly amazed at just how dumb the two really were.

I did well out of it too, I got £50 compensation for the guy who attacked me, my boss shut the shop early and gave me a £15 bottle of wine. We then went off and got royally drunk on everything in my house.

That the night was one of the most enjoyable I've had in this city says a lot about Winchester.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 14:02, More)

» Local Nutters

In Winchester we have the original Foul Ol' Ron from the Terry Pratchett books
In some ways Ron is a celebrity tramp. His voice sounds like a saw blade being tortured. It rings through the streets and people turn to eachother and say 'I can hear him but I can't see him'.

Around the corner they find him pushing a puchchair with a plastic bag on it. The bag has second hand clothes in it that he gives to women in pubs. He gave a bra once to an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was very scared because it was the right size. There's more going on in that head than meets the eye.

He doesn't smell, which singles him out, and while he does creep people out sometimes he does actually know when to leave people alone.

He goes to the same pub almost every night but never buys a drink. There are rumours that the staff are not allowed to serve him, but I've never seen him ask either. You can tell when he has come into the pub because there is a huge belch and the saw-blade voice declaring 'Never fear, Ron is here'.

He sits by the fire and smokes cheap cigars. Occasionally he wanders around the pub telling people that it's 'Nearly Christmas!', usually this happens in July. He also likes telling people what he's going to have for his supper, which is often kippers and boiled potatoes.

Sometimes you'll find him dozing on the high street, where sleep has overcome him and so he's resting in the child's pushchair.

He used to be a boxer, and he has the looks for it. He retired about two years ago after having spent the previous 32 years unemployed and unemployable. He seems rather proud of this.

For all his strange habits, he's really rather lovable after a while. Walking out of the train station one day after a long journey I heard his voice echoing on the wind and I knew that I was home.
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 12:38, More)