Dogs do the funniest things. I raise your shitting green ham.
T'was a few days before Christmas and off to the shops I did pop to purchase seasonal and festive food. My prize purchase was a huge spiky skinned pineapple, resplendent with crown. Thoughts of Piña colada at the forefront of my mind. I gave the pineapple a fitting place to be admired by guests in the living space, I knew they would be in awe of such a prize specimen ananas. I was as proud of that pineapple as I was of the three pedigree Great Danes that I owned at that time a beautiful family of father, mother and son. The father, very much the alpha and second in command.

I had to go to work, which was only downstairs in the bar. I popped back upstairs to check on the dogs. The dogs, all on their bed but looking very sheepish (not that dogs have expressions but they looked sheepish to me) - I knew something was amiss. Where's the poop? Is usually the first question but all three looked sheepish. I went into the living space and to my horror all that remained of my pineapple was the luscious and elegant crown.

Taking the crown I went to the dogs and knowing that they understood at last 25 words asked - "Who did this?" - usually one would give itself away but no they all cowered and tried to hide their faces from the pineapple crown. All guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty. Still, animals what can you do. They knew they had done a very bad thing, we had a strict understanding about property ownership. I gave each a reprising nip on the ear to reinforce alpha command.

Business concluded for the day and time for bed. I was awoken at around 4am by the most awful half barks and yelping. Going to check on the dogs, the father was downstairs in the pub attempting to defecate but was having little success. OMG - I thought what is wrong with the poor soul. I was to quick to realise the source of the bad boys problem. Apparently he alone had consumed the pineapple. However, not understanding cause and effect he had not peeled the ultra spiky, thorny, irritating skin from the juicy flesh. And now behold, the pineapple skin being expelled from his anus not on the lovely smooth side but the scouring side. I had to assist with pulling the skin out because it was stuck and TBF I thing the dog had had enough.

That dog learnt another word, pineapple or specifically - Do you want some pineapple? would send the dog cowering to wherever was furthest away from the chance of pineapple. Like Les and chive soil.

tl:dr - Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:03, 25 replies)

hang on
in which pub are dogs allowed to shit freely?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:19, closed)

You and shitting

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:36, closed)

A very successful one, if the landlord can afford to keep three Great Danes.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:54, closed)

I had missed the wasbai peas anecdote.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:32, closed)

I once had to do some 'troubleshooting' at a pub.
Effectively, it meant doing a full inspection of the place to figure our why it didn't make a fucking penny. The landlord they installed had a massive fucking Rottweiler that he allowed to roam freely around the bar and kitchen. The living quarters above the place were over two floors, and provided a foul odour to the rest of the place. The upper floor was left for the dog to use as its own free area and the whole thing was plastered in shit and the floor boards soaked in urine.

2 years down the line and the building had been demolished for flats to be built.
( Muns, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:49, closed)

Which pub is this so I know never to set foot in it?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:49, closed)

Believe me the place was GAY CLEAN which surpasses most OCD clean.
Fecal matter is the least of your worries in terms of infections.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 12:59, closed)

Yeah I don't want aids ta.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:12, closed)

Well, stop being straight then. As that is the most at risk group.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:30, closed)

Only because gays don't share needles. Amyl-Nitrate doesn't work when injected.
( Muns, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:51, closed)

Oh no, resident homophobe cunt alert.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 13:55, closed)

Not a homophobe. Just a cunt.
I have to declare that some of my best friends are gay, although I do know a lesbian who is a prize twat, but she's more of an associate..

The rules of middle England ignorance means that you do have to accept that I'm not a homophobe due to the above statement. I must point that I also have blacks, Muslims, Irish people and fat people who I spend time with frequently, sometimes voluntarily, none of whom I have any issue with at all.
( Muns, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 14:25, closed)

So it's Polish folk you hate then?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 14:30, closed)

Mr Sheen is a fucking bellend

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:10, closed)

I refer the gentleman to a previous post regarding his declaration as a homophobe.
Northern England will not put up with fancy Middle England ways and I smite you with your Christmas Issue of the Radio Times or bumper Boxing Day edition of the Daily Mail whichever is heaviest.

You may not be a homophobe but I am an unrepentant misanthrope and xenophobe, so with your association with ethnics I now hate you more. That sir is the end of it.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 14:36, closed)

Goddamnit.
I knew I shouldn't have married a foreigner. Although that repressed Catholic guilt thing is a lot of fun....
( Muns, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 14:40, closed)

I'm gay and I'm pretty homophobic.
Howzat?!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:10, closed)

I'm neither gay, nor homophobic,
but I am very pretty.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:22, closed)

*bats eyelashes*

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:54, closed)

"Get away from him you bitch."

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 17:03, closed)

Fun times...
I liked the analogy between dog's pineapple and Les' chives. What was dog's equivalent to the spirit level?
(GonkHerder, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:17, closed)

Car journeys

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 15:52, closed)

heh I liked this
My dogs look sheepish and they are sheepdogs!!!! oh the hillarity

The guilt thing works everytime If I hold up a bit of rubbish from the kitchen bin that has been tipped over the floor and say "who did this" the guilty one will suddenly find something else to look at
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 16:25, closed)

was this in the 70's?

(dyllon nice beaver., Sun 22 Dec 2013, 1:58, closed)

Whenever you want it to be.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 22 Dec 2013, 11:55, closed)