I have found snails to be sporting types, in that they happily participate in my serious scientific experiments.
Here are three examples - incidentally, no harm was caused to any gastropod and all were released into the wild afterwards.

1. What do snails like to eat and drink?
A. A snail placed on a saucer with a choice of beer or milk and chips or lettuce will go for the beer and chips every time.

2. Can we vary the colour of a snail's poo?
A. Yes, by feeding it multicoloured foods. The snail will poo straight afer eating and the colour of the poo is decided by that of the food.
Hundreds and thousands give a striking 'rainbow' effect.

3. Can a snail be induced to hold a white sugar strand in its mouth, so that it looks like a king-sized fag?
A. Yes, after about half an hour's gentle coaxing.
(Doing this had my young nephew in helpless tears of laughter.)

Experimental snails - more fun than chimps or beagles.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 16:54, 10 replies)

*click*
Just for having the patience to do this.
( girlinthehole, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 17:44, closed)

Thank'ee kindly.
The snails were patient too.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 20:01, closed)

*click*
For the smoking snail image - I would have been right with your nephew were I there...
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 20:17, closed)

A click for the work done so far.
Further clicks for finding out whether sugared up snails are faster than normal ones and whether beery snails exhibit any other interesting behavioural traits.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 20:35, closed)

^ Yes
I clicked too but only with the stipulation that you expand your story to include these interesting results.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:03, closed)

OK then.
The beery snails were the funniest. If you set out the saucer with a tablespoon of beer in the middle, then plonked down the snails, they'd make a surprisingly fast beeline for the booze.

They'd crowd around it, dipping their heads down to drink, exactly like a herd of wildebeest at a watering hole.

Afterwards they'd slide erratically around the saucer and crash slowly into each other before apparently passing out halfway in and halfway out of their shells.

When I fed them a chip they'd attack it enthusiastically. If several were eating it at the same time, they could bore a hole right through it and start eating the other side, shouving their mates slowly but firmly out of the way.

Snails are nosy. If you keep them in a jar with breathing holes punched in the lid, they will stick their heads out, stretch their necks long and look around at the outside world.

They also break out of any container that's not tough enough and escape. If you patch up a hole in a plastic jar with paper, the snails will eat a hole in it and piss off while you're asleep, and you'll wake up to see them sneaking across the ceiling.

Ah, the joys of snail-keeping. Makes me quite slimesick.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:51, closed)

click
yes, but were the sugared up snails the fastest?
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 1:45, closed)

Why do you ask?
Are you an incognito snail trainer, hoping to gain an unscrupulous advantage?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 7:00, closed)

Beer in the Garden
That's actually the method my mum uses to get rid of snails and slugs in the garden. Bury a cup (plastic, usually) in the garden and fill it up about an inch or two with beer. The snails and slugs will climb in to drink it, but won't be able to get out, and drown.

Speaking of snails, my family used to have a plastic wading pool in the garden. Rather than swimming in it too often since it rarely gets too hot where I am, we threw a rock in a middle with a murky trench to surround it. It was snail island! We'd throw 'em on there and watch the dirty buggers dry to escape. Many perilously threw themselves into the water rather than eat the leaves way gave them. Then we'd have the fun of drying to grab them out of water so dirty we couldn't see the shallow bottom.

Ah yes, youth.
(Sco smokes crack often., Wed 30 Jul 2008, 11:30, closed)

im sorry............
you all seemed interested in snails and beer.

but .....

RAINBOWED COLOURED POO !!!???

im going to outright pull a richard wilson and say "i dont belive it" i really dont

that cant be true, well i know what im doing this weekend and i shall be calling shinanigans very soon i feel. or be experiancing a highly religious experiance.
(Lord Potato, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 1:43, closed)