Boy's Brigade
In the times when we lived on the festering wastes of a council estate of Sheffield, my mum and a group of my mate's parents had decided to push us all in the direction of the local Boy's Brigade based at the local church, this after a number of events resulting in us becoming what the community police officer could only describe as 'thieving little bastards'. Surely the BB could turn us into good Christian boys?

Now, for those of you who know the organisation, it's basically a blend of Scouts, Cadets and Sunday School - in other words, you make things, play football, march and read about the bible. With my mum's family being all god-fearing folk, me and our kid having cracking left foots and technical nous, well, we fitted in like hands into the proverbial glove.

Like all good stories, there's an antagonist, a fellow I can only name Steven (for that was his name). Now, whilst I was a geek but cool with it (yeah, right), Steven was a Grade 'A' Premium NERD. Nobody liked him, he hated football and his sister was a bit of a mong.

Anyway. After a couple of years I found myself in the Junior section, and I was doing really well. I could make a mean model of the crucifixion of Christ and to top it off in my world, scored one of the goals in the North Sheffield five-a-side competition final.

Despite all this, I was still not group leader. No, this was Steven. Why? Because mummy was verger (or something) at the church, and because my mum couldn't afford the proper uniform (or the barbers), I didn't look the part either, Steven with his clean pressed uniforms and 'smart' side-parting.

Still, I had all the badges Steven did, and was finally aiming for the Gold badge. I once again helped the football team to victory, got pretty damn good on a bugle and my model of the holy grail went down a storm at the Easter fair.

Surely leading the chosen team to glory in the Bible Studies Competition would seal my destiny???

My fate was to be sealed at a (frankly pompous and overblown) ceremony at the Sunday service at church the week after.

We were all lined up in front of the altar in our full uniform, shook hands with the local religious types and were given special certificates by the pastor in celebration of our efforts.

Now, the group commander took to the altar and I knew that this was the time I would finally take my spot as group leader by getting the gold badge the doddering feller had in his grasp, and had to hold myself back from jumping the gun and snatching the thing from him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would also like to take this time to reward a young man who's contributions to this company have been exemplary, in terms of his spritual, community and active attitude throughout his time with us. So it with great pleasure that I award Steven with the Gold badge..."

WHAT?

Where was the justice? I had blazed a trail through the brigade (so much so that I was getting overtures of joining rival companies) and this snivelling, useless shit had got what was destined to be mine? Where was the justice?

My response was one that I would re-live and re-enact for years to come.

In tears, and with the whole congregation (including my dear mother, my aunt and a barely-able-to-contain-himself little brother) watching, I bawled "FUCK THIS FOR A LIVING, YOU CAN SHOVE THAT BADGE UP YOUR ARSE", kicked over some of the ornaments on the altar, and stormed out of the church with family hurriedly and ashamedly in tow.

I never went back to the Brigade, and the day after in school, I sought my cold-served revenge by giving the smug bastard Steven a pasting in the school canteen after he failed to hold his tongue after the previous day's events.

So, I'd sworn in church, embarrassed my folks and beaten a god-botherer up.

I think I made my point, don't you?
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:21, 12 replies)

Click
For beating up smug magical-sky-person worshipper.
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:30, closed)

*click*
For laughs.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:34, closed)

clickety-click
I've spent my life doing that kind of thing - sadly only in my head. In reality I just mumble and bear grudges...

Good on ya
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:40, closed)

*Click*
I'm very much of the bottle-it-up-until-you-explode persuasion.
Many situations and friendships made tricky by a badly-timed outburst of angst and frustration. Never in a church though, although I did burst into tears in a registry office during my wedding vows and stormed out the reception dinner cos I was bored.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:42, closed)

Clearly, they made the right decision ....
... anyone who acts like you did could not possibly deserve the Gold Badge; it's just a shame for you that a more causality-respecting process might have come to a different conclusion.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 28 May 2008, 13:48, closed)

pastings, pastors and altars - brilliant
a big Boys Own click to you sir
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:00, closed)

* Big Click*

For swearing in church and beating up the god worshipper.
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:19, closed)

yes a click is deserved here i think
Nobody liked him, he hated football and his sister was a bit of a mong.

everyone knew a kid like that...

'Mong' havent heard that word in years...

*Reminisces*
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:20, closed)

*Clickage*
To paraphrase both Robin Williams and the British Army (roughly the same feedline, different punchlines):

Feedline: What's the difference between {BB} and the Army?

RW: Heavy artillery
BA: BB have adult supervision

Clickage!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:23, closed)

have a *click*
From someone who got kicked out of the Girls Brigade for being "too much of a free spirit". In other words a rebellious little sod with a stroppy attitude.

I got enough discipline at home and school, I didn't need it on a Tuesday night as well.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 28 May 2008, 15:05, closed)

Politics
I was a member of the Boys Brigade as a child. It's one of the reasons I became an atheist. There was something ever so slightly... wrong about the whole thing. The smiles, the bible classes, the talks about Jesus, it just all seemed off.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Wed 28 May 2008, 18:57, closed)

Great work
I left scouts for similar reasons, but nearly as spectacularly. I more just sloped off one day...unnoticed.

Haberman, if you cannot be supportive, go sit in the corner.
(Neostenine's maker, Wed 28 May 2008, 19:39, closed)