The cinema
Post-post, pre-start-of-post EDIT:

Let's not turn this site into the comments section of YouTube, people. See my response to that cocksucker electric_goat for details. If you don't like something posted here, just move on.

If it's not bad enough that I've wasted my time posting this shit answer to the Q.O.T.W., and you've wasted your time reading it, you've then wasted more of your time replying to it.

Thank you, not just to the few people who didn't hate this, but to all of you that DID hate it, but chose to just move on to the next posting that was much better. Who says that apathy is a bad thing? And who cares?

***

[I feel another rambling rant coming on, people...sorry!]

I'm sure we've all done it - wasted money on going to the pictures for a film that looks great (or at least O.K.), only for it to be a big pile of steaming dog turd.

I've never really been in a position to waste much money, so in that sense I'm fortunate. I have exactly zero sympathy for people who've had shit-loads of money and just wasted it...if your business goes belly-up, or if you've been conned out of your life's savings by someone who pretended to love you and lied to you about being terminally ill, or if you've lost your house through circumstances beyond your control, then I have the utmost sympathy. But millionaires who lose their money, just because they can't keep track of it, make me sick. I could mention one in particular, but his money wastage is the LEAST of his sins, and shows you that Karma exists in some form, even if in some cases it's only a token gesture.

I could moan about all the money I've wasted on ex-girlfriends, but at the time it seemed like a good idea, I got enjoyment out of it (even if only in a limited capacity - like stopping them moaning about something for two minutes!), and it was part of being a good boyfriend - not a substitute for it. I'd rather get back the time and stress that was spent on my exes, thank you very much, not any money spent. The best money I ever spent was sending the love of my life a dozen long-stem red roses to her workplace for her birthday, and seeing how happy it made her (and, in regard to her, I'd just take the stress away, and have more time with her). I really do hate seeing women cry, but when it's out of happiness that you triggered, instead of sadness of any kind...well, it's the best feeling I've ever had. 12 years ago, that was, and it still brings a smile to my face.

So, although most people would consider me bitter over each of my exes for one reason or another (or plenty), I would never complain about the money I spent on them.

But wasting money at the pictures? Fucking hell, it pisses me off. And, again, it's not really the money wasted that gets to me - even if I'm skint at the time - it's the time wasted. And feeling duped by a trailer or a review, or even a recommendation.

Films aren't my main thing - music is. I can talk for hours and hours and motherfucking HOURS about the music that I love, but films are just there for entertainment, in my view. If I want mental stimulation, I'll read a book - there's no way I could sit through a 3-hour period melodrama about some obscure Russian poet who only Oxbridge students, or those wankers on those review shows, have ever heard of. But give me a mental, ridiculously implausible action film with loads of great stunts and insane violent fight-scenes, and I'm a happy man. You know, the kind of films where you just check your brains in at the door (The A-Team is a perfect example).

So when I spend good money, and a couple of hours, watching a film at the cinema, I expect it to be entertaining, even if it's a load of nonsense. But I can watch something less action-packed if I'm interested by the subject matter.

Which brings me onto the biggest waste of money I've ever spent at the pictures. Apollo 13. Now I hear some of you crying out that it won Oscars, so it must be good. Wrong. I've always been interested in space, planets, astronomy, and everything of that nature, so I was eager to see the film when my female friend suggested going to see it (I didn't think anyone would want to go with me). I knew it was based on a true story, and I knew most of the elements of said story, so I thought I knew how it would turn out.

Well, when I'd heard people say that they saw a film so bad that they actually walked out before it ended, I never got it. I could never see myself doing it. Until Apollo 13, that is. The only reason I didn't walk out of that piece of shit, is that I'd gone there with a friend. Absolutely, positively and undoubtedly the single worst film I've ever seen (and the second-worst was when myself and another friend rented out Snake Eyes a few years later, so I think Gary Sinise is somehow cursed).

And for anyone still awake after reading this so far, I might as well tell you about when I saw the He-Man film back in the '80s. Yes, I know it was actually called Masters Of The Universe (as was the excellent cartoon that it was supposedly based on), and my sister and her husband (still her fiancée at that point) paid for me to get in, but they wasted their money.

You see, I was a massive He-Man fan, and a 7-year-old boy when the film was released. My oldest sister had an idea that, for all the world, must have seemed like a good one at the time - she'd take me to see the film of my favourite cartoon. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I sat there and commented on the first 10 or so things that the film had got wrong, but then I just gave up. There were far too many things to count. But, boy, all I did after we got outside was gripe and bitch and moan about what they'd got wrong, what they'd changed (which was pretty much all of it), and how I could have done so much better. I've always had a pretty good vocabulary, even when I was 7yrs old, but I'm sure I developed half of my current vocabulary in the process of slagging that film off.

Seriously, I just didn't shut up (a trait you're probably finding equally annoying right now, so apologies). Not when we got in the car. Not when we went to McDonald's afterwards. Not when we got back in the car to go to my sister's boyfriend's house (I think we all went back to watch a video, possibly in a vain attempt to stop me complaining). Not when we got there. And not even when my sister angrily rolled her eyes, and her boyfriend had finally had enough of my incessant fucking whining, and said "Right, you're going home" before they bundled me into his car and he put the pedal to the metal.

I didn't even shut up on the journey back home. (And I wondered why that sister never took me to the pictures again!) Or to my mum when I got there. I didn't shut up about how bad it was for at least a week, I swear. Looking back on it now, I think it's an O.K. film in its own right, but as an adaptation of the beautifully-made cartoon that I held so very dear to my heart, it sucked major donkey cock.

I never got Star Wars, but I know most B3tans are massive fans (going by the image challenge entries, anyway). So I'm sure most of you are aware of the legendary YouTube video where an avid Star Wars fan rips The Phantom Menace to many tiny pieces, and the video is actually much longer than the film itself. Well, I made this guy look like a rank amateur.

When my second-oldest sister (I have 3) took me to see Batman Returns five years later, and I thought it was a major disappointment, I just kept my mouth shut and thanked her for taking me to see it. She later told my mum how ungrateful I'd seemed (possibly in confidence, so as to not make me feel bad, but my mum has never had any such reservations), and my mum then told me. Man, I felt like such a cunt. From that moment to this very day, I always make sure that I thank somebody profusely when they do something for me, letting them know how grateful I am - I must piss people off with that, surely - because for some people, saying thank you and meaning it just isn't enough. I'm not taking that chance again!

So, yeah, I didn't shut up. Not in the aftermath of seeing that film, and certainly not in the answering of this Q.O.T.W.

I think I should shut up now.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 5:54, 19 replies)

So,
you like action films and don't like shitty films or films that actually require you to engage your brain? Like, deep, man.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 8:40, closed)

And your point is?
So you are tedious (" I can talk for hours and hours and motherfucking HOURS about the music that I love"), narrow-minded ("films are just there for entertainment"), have a chip on your shoulder (only "Oxbridge students" or "wankers on thoser review shows" could possibly be interested in a long film about an obscure poet) and stupid (we could argue about "Apollo 13", but anyone who thinks "The A-Team" is a good film is an idiot). Oh, and monumentally ungrateful.

Personally I feel sorry for your ex-girlfriends, you stingy sod!
( electric_goat, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 8:46, closed)

I don't feel sorry for his exes
as they're well shot of him now!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 8:57, closed)

Same to you as I just said to electric_goat...
Fuck you.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 1:42, closed)

I actually said that I DON'T begrudge money I spent on my exes...
...so maybe you should learn to read before you criticise others.

Or - and here's a novel idea - if you don't like reading shit Q.O.T.W. answers, why not stop when it becomes apparent that they're shit?

You, and most of the others replying on here, strike me as the sort of tossers who'll strike up an argument in the comments section on a YouTube video just for the hell of it.

Fucking hell, if you don't like a post, just move on.

Oh, and I forgot to say something. Fuck you, arsehole.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 1:41, closed)

I can read. Can you?
In your original post you described the money as being "WASTED" on ex-girlfriends. In your reply you described it as "SPENT". See the difference? See how the original word has a whiff of begrudgement about it? As for claiming that it stopped them from "moaning" for a couple of minutes - if that's how you really feel about buying something for someone you are emotionally involved with I feel sorry for both you and them.
( electric_goat, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 9:59, closed)

"I would never complain about the money I spent on them"
Stop trying to twist what I've said.

The original 'wasted' comment was taken from the perspective of my money being gone, spent on relationships that didn't work out. BUT I ALSO SAID THAT IT WAS WORTH IT, EVEN SO, which proves that I don't view it as wasted, even now. And the line about keeping them quiet for a couple of minutes was about one particular ex - and it was said in jest.

You really are a cocksucker of the highest order.

Fuck you.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 12:50, closed)

Hey Meaty -

( electric_goat, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 22:13, closed)

Quoting isn't twisting!

( electric_goat, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 22:16, closed)

Taking a sentence out of context of the rest of its paragraph, not to mention the whole entry...
...is twisting things. I said that I COULD view it as wasted, then gave all the reasons that I don't.

And why are you so obsessed over someone else's Q.O.T.W. answer, anyway? Why don't you get a life instead of heaping undue criticism on others?

Where's your answer for that, smart-arse?
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 22:35, closed)

Smart-arse answer coming up:
You've posted (original + replies to me) 1,739 words.

I've posted 177 words.

Who needs to get a life?
( electric_goat, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:00, closed)

As opposed to the above
I found reading that mildly amusing, it was a good rant. I hope it released some tension :)
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 9:15, closed)

Thank you.
At least there's one person on here who doesn't feel the need to criticise just for the sake of it!

And I get the feeling that, even if you hadn't have liked it, you'd have just moved on without feeling the need to say so. Thank you for giving me faith in humanity!
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 1:45, closed)

pointless post is pointless

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 9:34, closed)

I've never really been in a position to waste much money, so in that sense I'm fortunate. I have exactly zero sympathy for people who've had shit-loads of money and just wasted it...if your business goes belly-up, or if you've been conned out of your life's savings by someone who pretended to love you and lied to you about being terminally ill, or if you've lost your house through circumstances beyond your control, then I have the utmost sympathy. But millionaires who lose their money, just because they can't keep track of it, make me sick. I could mention one in particular, but his money wastage is the LEAST of his sins, and shows you that Karma exists in some form, even if in some cases it's only a token gesture.

I could moan about all the money I've wasted on ex-girlfriends, but at the time it seemed like a good idea, I got enjoyment out of it (even if only in a limited capacity - like stopping them moaning about something for two minutes!), and it was part of being a good boyfriend - not a substitute for it. I'd rather get back the time and stress that was spent on my exes, thank you very much, not any money spent. The best money I ever spent was sending the love of my life a dozen long-stem red roses to her workplace for her birthday, and seeing how happy it made her (and, in regard to her, I'd just take the stress away, and have more time with her). I really do hate seeing women cry, but when it's out of happiness that you triggered, instead of sadness of any kind...well, it's the best feeling I've ever had. 12 years ago, that was, and it still brings a smile to my face.

So, although most people would consider me bitter over each of my exes for one reason or another (or plenty), I would never complain about the money I spent on them.

But wasting money at the pictures? Fucking hell, it pisses me off. And, again, it's not really the money wasted that gets to me - even if I'm skint at the time - it's the time wasted. And feeling duped by a trailer or a review, or even a recommendation.

Films aren't my main thing - music is. I can talk for hours and hours and motherfucking HOURS about the music that I love, but films are just there for entertainment, in my view. If I want mental stimulation, I'll read a book - there's no way I could sit through a 3-hour period melodrama about some obscure Russian poet who only Oxbridge students, or those wankers on those review shows, have ever heard of. But give me a mental, ridiculously implausible action film with loads of great stunts and insane violent fight-scenes, and I'm a happy man. You know, the kind of films where you just check your brains in at the door (The A-Team is a perfect example).

So when I spend good money, and a couple of hours, watching a film at the cinema, I expect it to be entertaining, even if it's a load of nonsense. But I can watch something less action-packed if I'm interested by the subject matter.

Which brings me onto
I've always been interested in space, planets, astronomy, and everything of that nature, so I was eager to see the film when my female friend suggested going to see it (I didn't think anyone would want to go with me). I knew it was based on a true story, and I knew most of the elements of said story, so I thought I knew how it would turn out.

Well, when I'd heard people say that they saw a film so bad that they actually walked out before it ended, I never got it. I could never see myself doing it. Until Apollo 13, that is

And for anyone still awake after reading this so far, I might as well tell you about when I saw the He-Man film back in the '80s. Yes, I know it was actually called Masters Of The Universe (as was the excellent cartoon that it was supposedly based on), and my sister and her husband (still her fiancée at that point) paid for me to get in, but they wasted their money.

You see, I was a massive He-Man fan, and a 7-year-old boy when the film was released. My oldest sister had an idea that, for all the world, must have seemed like a good one at the time - she'd take me to see the film of my favourite cartoon. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, I sat there and commented on the first 10 or so things that the film had got wrong, but then I just gave up. There were far too many things to count. But, boy, all I did after we got outside was gripe and bitch and moan about what they'd got wrong, what they'd changed (which was pretty much all of it), and how I could have done so much better. I've always had a pretty good vocabulary, even when I was 7yrs old, but I'm sure I developed half of my current vocabulary in the process of slagging that film off.

Seriously, I just didn't shut up (a trait you're probably finding equally annoying right now, so apologies). Not when we got in the car. Not when we went to McDonald's afterwards. Not when we got back in the car to go to my sister's boyfriend's house (I think we all went back to watch a video, possibly in a vain attempt to stop me complaining). Not when we got there. And not even when my sister angrily rolled her eyes, and her boyfriend had finally had enough of my incessant fucking whining, and said "Right, you're going home" before they bundled me into his car and he put the pedal to the metal.

I didn't even shut up on the journey back home. (And I wondered why that sister never took me to the pictures again!) Or to my mum when I got there. I didn't shut up about how bad it was for at least a week, I swear. Looking back on it now, I think it's an O.K. film in its own right, but as an adaptation of the beautifully-made cartoon that I held so very dear to my heart, it sucked major donkey cock.

I never got Star Wars, but I know most B3tans are massive fans (going by the image challenge entries, anyway). So I'm sure most of you are aware of the legendary YouTube video where an avid Star Wars fan rips The Phantom Menace to many tiny pieces, and the video is actually much longer than the film itself. Well, I made this guy look like a rank amateur.

When my second-oldest sister (I have 3) took me to see Batman Returns five years later, and I thought it was a major disappointment, I just kept my mouth shut and thanked her for taking me to see it. She later told my mum how ungrateful I'd seemed (possibly in confidence, so as to not make me feel bad, but my mum has never had any such reservations), and my mum then told me. Man, I felt like such a cunt. From that moment to this very day, I always make sure that I thank somebody profusely when they do something for me, letting them know how grateful I am - I must piss people off with that, surely - because for some people, saying thank you and meaning it just isn't enough. I'm not taking that chance again!

So, yeah, I didn't shut up. Not in the aftermath of seeing that film, and certainly not in the answering of this Q.O.T.W.

I think I should shut up now.

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:20, closed)

Summary:
I'm sure we've all done it - wasted money on going to the pictures for a film that looks great (or at least O.K.), only for it to be a big pile of steaming dog turd.

The biggest waste of money I've ever spent at the pictures. Apollo 13. Now I hear some of you crying out that it won Oscars, so it must be good. Wrong.

The only reason I didn't walk out of that piece of shit, is that I'd gone there with a friend. Absolutely, positively and undoubtedly the single worst film I've ever seen (and the second-worst was when myself and another friend rented out Snake Eyes a few years later, so I think Gary Sinise is somehow cursed).
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:22, closed)

ts;dr
;)
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:26, closed)

:(

( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:26, closed)

Aw, course I read it.
I'm grateful you took the time to provide the abridged version as I was developing some sort of optic nerve disconnection getting through the OP...
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:30, closed)

I just Googled that..
Damn these interweb abbreviations.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 14:00, closed)

Somewhere, a badger sniffs the air and its eyes narrow.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:22, closed)

If 'Man Hates Cinema' isn't archive-standard, I'm not sure what is.

( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 13:48, closed)

Genius....
Nuff said.
(repooc, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 18:55, closed)

If nothing else
this post has inspired me to turn my computer off and go for a walk before I sigh myself to death.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 10:35, closed)

thief
You stole 5 minutes of my life. I hope you see another waste of time movie as karma.
(justin(e), Sun 3 Oct 2010, 11:22, closed)

And I hope that someone who doesn't like one of your posts
ends up wasting more of their time by telling you. THAT would be Karma.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 2:00, closed)

I only read through all that because it had lots of replies
I thought it was going to be amusing.
( lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 12:12, closed)

Top tip.
Read the replies first. If they start off positive, stop reading them and read the OP.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 16:44, closed)

Noted
Read the replies not the post, and have saved 5 minutes of my life *smug*
(moosefish, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 19:48, closed)

I didn't read this.
Because I know a new cafe has opened not far from my house (which I bought - yeah). Aforementioned Cafe has a range of paninis and homemade cakes. And it does fry ups. So I'm off to have a look at that instead.

Oh, and after that i'll probably paint some metal interior van parts.

OOOH - I just saw a big bee outside.
(Chopsey, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 14:55, closed)

I didn't read it either
But I did read your reply and and I'm jealous that I wasted my day by not sitting in a cafe with homemade cakes and paninis.

All I have is a puddle under my desk (rainwater not bladderwater)
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 17:21, closed)

The plural of panino is panini.
Not paninis.



See what the OP has done to me?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 14:21, closed)

Meh
If you don't like movies DON'T GO AND SEE THEM
(Cockroach-Sombrero Cook Pass Babtridge, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 20:20, closed)

Yet no mention of the price of cenima food
which of course is great value for money.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Sun 3 Oct 2010, 22:31, closed)

A world-first
Someone has actually missed the point of a pointless post. Well done.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 1:58, closed)

I think that this is very sound advice.
I don't know why he had to write such a long rant about it. He'd surely be happy at home with Hudson Hawk and Die Hard on DVD. I'm not even sure why he leaves the house.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:13, closed)

I think you ought to stay in more.

( Zuowan, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:34, closed)

Cinemas..
Are pretty crap nowadays anyway.

Extortionate food, drinks and a magnet for local teenage scumbags.

Every visit I've paid to one, with the wife, has always gone over the £20 mark - mainly because of the snacks etc.

Gimme a night in on the couch, with the lights out, volume up, an old classic comedy on BluRay/DVD and some beer anyday.

I'm not saying all cinemas are crap, just the experience is'nt the same anymore - or I'm just getting old. Besides, Hollywood's going through a creative dry-spell (again) so there's not much to see anyway..

As for the actual films shown, sometimes I don't mind the odd crap storylines or over the top disaster plots, as I'm a bit of a fan of rubbish cinema, after all - we know it's not real, but it's great to imagine what it would be like if it was, would'nt it?

Imagining experiencing the story yourself, is'nt that the idea of cinema anyway?

That'd be like watching a Christmas movie, and sitting through the whole thing saying to yourself 'Yeah, but Santa's not real..' instead of enjoying that warm Christmassy feeling/festive sprit bollocks that comes with it.

Live a little, join in with the experience, and failing that, just wait till' it comes out on DVD, or just do what the rest of the internet does, and torrent the fuck out of it lol.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 14:05, closed)

And they're full
of fucking noisy 'me' generation little shits who talk bollocks loudly through anything you watch and look at you like you're something they've trodden in if you ask them to keep the noise down. If you're paying that much to watch a film, they should have someone in there to hoy the selfish twats out.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 21:45, closed)

^ That
Definitely the most annoying part of the cinematic experience..
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 17:15, closed)

I once wasted money by downloading your QOTW answer. I could have used that bandwidth for downloading MP3s of good bands (i.e. any band you don't like).
Plus time wasted reading it. Even the worst comments on YouTube would have been more riveting than this.

/troll
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:11, closed)

And you're qualified to question my taste in music because...?
???
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 12:52, closed)

You're obviously a cloth-eared cunt?

( electric_goat, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 22:12, closed)