Dear Customers of Call Centres
Hello. My name is Captain Wow, and I help to run a call centre just like the ones you phone up. Maybe I even help to run the one you phone quite often. If you work for my very large client (and over 30,000 of you do) then it'll be my team who you speak to.

I'd like to bring your attention to a few points that I'm sure, if heeded, will make both of our lives more simple and much nicer.

Number one: your mum may think you're as special as the first snowdrop of whenever it is that they grow. Jesus may count you as one of his most favourite sunbeams. All this said, to me you're just another customer, to be treated exactly the same as everyone else. I don't give a fuck how important you think you are, it's not going to help at all.

Perhaps if you're very, very nice to my agents and you've made a particularly large error (it happens) then I might waste some of my tiny budget in helping you (even though it may be bending the T+Cs to almost breaking point)... however if you're rude and labour under the VERY bloody mistaken understanding that you know the terms and conditions better than I do (and I helped set them in place) then you'll find my patience and small budget at exactly 0% capacity.

Number two: Husband/wife/daughter/son/mate/dog/vauxhall astra/skin cell of my customer, you don't count. You do in the grand scheme of things, but not as far as I'm concerned and certainly not in terms of being able to access their account. Data Protection Act, fool.

In the same way that your bank doesn't allow me to call up and say 'Hello, I'm Mrs UnderInformed and I'd like to move all my money into the account of one Mrs Captain H Wow', I'm not allowing you to do that here. It doesn't matter how much you stamp your little hooves and froth at the mouth, it won't happen. I won't allow my agents to help you and I certainly won't be doing it myself.

Number three: if you DO need to speak to a manager, the best way to get in touch is by explaining this calmly to the agent you're speaking to. I appreciate that you might be upset, but screaming 'LOOK BITCH I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR FUCKING SUPERVISOR NOW PUT ME THE FUCK THROUGH BEFORE I FIND YOU AND TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT' (yes I am quoting there) is probably not going to help you when you get put through to me.

That's the thing about call centre managers- we've generally moved up from being agents ourselves. This means that not ONLY are we totally unfazed by your pissy insults, but we're bloody sick to death of the useless, dickless carping. We can also make you accessing us quite difficult. There are some people my team now will not service, on my instruction, and that's not the end of it. If it's a scheme provided by your employer that you're ringing about, I can make your life very difficult indeed. A lot of employers look very unfavourably on behaviour like that, and it's not unheard of for sackings to occur. I actually think that's a bit much for just a bit of vocal impotency but never mind, eh? It's no skin off my nose if you suddenly find yourself without a pot to piss in because you couldn't behave like a grown up.

Number four: luckily I'm a nice person, so this point really doesn't apply to customers who call in to my team, but it's still a valid point. Most of the time, any agent will have your home address, telephone number, sometimes bank details, answers to most frequently used security questions..... just don't. Whatever gobshittery you're planning.....don't. Because there's always one agent ready to snap, somewhere out there. Chances are your superb example of cuntism might be the one to push them over the edge.


I may send you a second letter with more points, but I think this is more than enough for you to work on for now. So I'll bid you adieu with one final thought.

YOU RANG US.

Kind regards

Captain Wow
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:06, 27 replies)

I like this.
I used to work in a call centre too, and from the shit that used to get dealt to me I make damn sure I am nice and respectful to the agents I speak to. Unsurprisingly, they seem more inclined to actually help you sort through the problems/issues/questions you have that way.

Still, looks like you deal with it well enough! :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:11, closed)

nicely done so *click*
sadly though, the vast majority of former agents who get promoted immediately activate their dormant cunt gland and join in the being generally useless in my experience. Some exceptions, of course.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:19, closed)

Baz
I'm as much of a cunt now as I was before I started customer service :D nowt's changed here except I'm more stressed and more underpaid in terms of my workload....
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:24, closed)

ambition is a bitch!
:)
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:33, closed)

It's odd
...but I worked in a call centre for a very long time - not once did I have a phone call like it.

Nearly everyone was nice and polite. There were a few that were just deadpan, but none that were rude or arrogent.
(dchurch bah, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:34, closed)

Typical
Well that just confirms the people in call centres have exactly the kind of poor attitude I assumed was endemic across call centres in this country.

While I agree there is absolutely never any need to threaten or verbally abuse call centre staff I can understand why people become so frustrated when having to deal with the kind of attitude displayed above.

Captain Wow how can you see yourself as any better than your abusive callers when you make such threatening comments as 'we have your home address, telephone number, sometimes bank details', 'its not unheard of for sackings to occur' and 'It's no skin off my nose if you suddenly find yourself without a pot to piss in because you couldn't behave like a grown up'. Making idle comments like that is about as un-grown up as you can get.

Your attitude of ALWAYS assuming the customer is wrong and expecting them to know your convoluted T+Cs back to front is astounding. Your a bloody call centre for gods sake, your there to help us understand these things and help our customers. We shouldn't have to pussyfoot around you and treat you extra extra nice just to get the service we deserve.

Maybe I've taken this post too seriously but it seems like no matter how polite I am to call centre staff it gets me nowhere.

I know there will always be a minority of very rude abusive customers, which I agree should not be tolerated. But for gods sake drop the attitude and I'm sure the majority of your calls will be much easier.

Rant over.
(Errorist, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 14:50, closed)

Errorist.
For a start, I barely speak to customers. Not only do I run the team, but also handle a large amount of the admin and operations for the scheme.

Secondly, I am extremely polite to customers. It is in part due to this that I was earmarked for promotion to my current role. I am talking about customers who are EXTREMELY rude to us from the off, as is abundantly clear.

Thirdly I am not threatening anyone- I said at the beginning of point four that I wouldn't ever do anything with anyone's information. I'm nice. I'm purely pointing out that every time you're rude to an agent they might well be staring at some of the aforementioned information. When in the name of fuck did I say that I would do anything like that? Oh, I didn't? Thought so.

I NEVER have an attitude when speaking to the very few customers that are handed over to me because they are being abusive to my staff. I do however, not care when they are terminated or disciplined because they have verbally assaulted my team, or threatened them with violence. That's because my team hold very high standards of politeness themselves, and do NOT deserve to be treated as such. As I said (please read, and actually READ it this time) I think that sacking someone due to the way they've spoken to us is a bit much, but it's at the employer's discretion, not mine. They warn their employees constantly about their telephone manner and those that still neglect to treat my team like human beings are disciplined.

And the T+Cs thing? When people call and misunderstand our terms, we try and explain them as best we can. I myself have taken over an hour trying to get one point explained before (a very easy one concerning delivery). What I do not appreciate is chancers trying to lie about the terms to get something from us that we are not meant to be giving them due to the requests of their employer.

I don't have an attitude- not once have I ever been rude to a customer save once, three years ago when I was an agent. That person managed to make me cry, but I've toughened up since then.


'I know there will always be a minority of very rude abusive customers, which I agree should not be tolerated. But for gods sake drop the attitude and I'm sure the majority of your calls will be much easier.'

I'd suggest you actually read what I've written.


PS: 'but it seems like no matter how polite I am to call centre staff it gets me nowhere.' I might be able to help you there. If you're listening to them as intently as you've just read my post, then I can see why. Try paying attention. It might just be YOU rather than all of them.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:02, closed)

student loans
I was once told by some jumped-up little summer-job shit that it was my own fault the student loans company had mistakenly charged me a penalty for something I hadn't done. There's nothing you can do, of course. It's like giving uniforms to very thick people.
(frankspencer, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:19, closed)

Just a tiny question, Cap'n
Is 'gobshittery' something to do with 2 Girls 1 Cup or some other ghastly German-style faecal practice?

If so then I think your staff would be entirely justified in snapping.

DOWN (the hatch) WITH THIS SORT OF THING.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:22, closed)

I think you need to read what I said properly too
Firstly not once did I condone rude or abusive behaviour from callers.

Secondly I never accused you of being rude or impolite. The point I was making is that call centres always seem to take the attitude that the caller is wrong and always about to become abusive.

Fair enough YOU may not be threatening but if those comments about what 'other' call centre staff may do with peoples personal details isn't threatening or insinuating I don't know what is! Why else mention it?

I just get the feeling you tar all callers with the same brush because of the minority of chancers or rude people you have to deal with.
(Errorist, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:25, closed)

Right.
'I think you need to read what I said properly too
Firstly not once did I condone rude or abusive behaviour from callers.'

I never implied that you did. That would be even more idiotic. I'm talking about customers from hell. If that rings a bell it's because it's the title of the QOTW that I'm posting a reply to.

'Secondly I never accused you of being rude or impolite. The point I was making is that call centres always seem to take the attitude that the caller is wrong and always about to become abusive.'

No, no we don't. Certainly mine doesn't, not until the caller becomes rude or abusive. A lot of the time they're not, and a lot of the time the information they have is correct. HOWEVER the fact that you say that call centres 'always' are like this (actually it's more 'never') again points me more to the way you've been to them in the past.

'Fair enough YOU may not be threatening but if those comments about what 'other' call centre staff may do with peoples personal details isn't threatening or insinuating I don't know what is! Why else mention it?'

Because it's a valid point. Don't be rude to people who have your information on their screen in case they go nuts or are already. That's just sensible. I can also say that other women out there may be inclined to chop off the penis of any chap they deem to have wronged them, I'm not being threatening myself when I say that. I'm just noting that there's a possibility.

'I just get the feeling you tar all callers with the same brush because of the minority of chancers or rude people you have to deal with.'

No, I've been clear that I'm talking about the rude ones. If at any point you're unsure I'd direct your attention to the title of the QOTW.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 15:44, closed)

This is like talking to someone in a call centre now.
It could go round in circles for ever, just like most of the calls to call centres I or everybody I know ever seem to make.

So I'll bid you adieu with MY final thought.

NONE OF US EVER WANT TO RING YOU
(Errorist, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:06, closed)

Okidoki, final words.
'So I'll bid you adieu with MY final thought.

NONE OF US EVER WANT TO RING YOU'

Again, a lot of bollocks. Many call centres exist because people don't want to use a website to handle whatever business they need to, preferring to speak to a human being. A lot of people manage to speak to these human beings and have a polite conversation, find out what they need to or do what they need to and go on their merry way (those people send thank you emails and letters in to us sometimes, which is brilliant for the team as they finally know that they're appreciated by their customers). It's sad that you haven't, but still it might just be as I said before. It might not be all of them, it might be your behaviour. Considering the way you've just acted, it's a possibility.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:19, closed)

I am with Errorist on this

If you cannot re-read what you posted and see how this attitude comes across, then you deserve to work in a call centre for the rest of your life because, let's face it, you seem well-qualified for the job.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:41, closed)

I think he means....
that people don't want things to go wrong and they would much rather things were working than call them.

I've had pretty good experiences with call centres but other times its been like pulling teeth.

BT made an error (surprise!) They thought I hadn't paid and cut me off. I phoned and explained that I have paid on time they checked agreed and said I would be reconnected in 24 hours.

They connected my phone but my internet never came back. The people at the call centre insisted that it was my computer and not them and that they could tell by pinging my router that it was all working. I explained many times that I have 7 computers all of which connected fine before and still connected to the wireless but had no world wide web. I was made to jump through hoops on all 7 computers before being put through to a higher level technician and then had to jump through more hoops. They all insisted it was my hardware no matter how many times I explained that I had been cut off in error.

Eventually after about 4 calls and many hours I said I would like to cancel as theres no point paying for something that didn't work. I was practically begged by some poor indian guy to not cancel (I presume he would get in to trouble) and to let him call me back the next day.

The next morning like magic everything worked. When my contract ends I won't be using BT again but then I expect its going to be the same whoever I go with.
( Peej, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:43, closed)

Flowerpot
Right, let's sort all of this out. My attitude in the main post is of someone that's been called a lot of names in her time. I was once called a cunt because I refused to give out the banking informationof another customer, I've had my life threatened due to the ruling of the HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs) and more besides. I am quite obviously talking about 'customers from hell' here, because that's what the entire thing is about, isn't it?

I was also blowing off steam, a little bit. How I handle myself on here is not how I handle myself at work, and I'd wager the same applies for you. I certainly don't joke about cocks with my customers as much as I do on b3ta, to name one example.

As for your last little comment (which was obviously said purely with an intention to hurt), I'm very qualified. I have not only experience and qualifications in customer service but also I've won awards for it as well which I think I deserved as I've worked hard. It's not a large part of my job now that I'm not on the phones, but believe me- I'm always polite to my customers. About the rudest I get is when I have to terminate a call due to abuse- that's not only for my benefit but also for theirs as I know my client- every swearword they use on the call is counted against them if they have to go to review. Every single one. It sounds ridiculous and it is, a bit, but they take an extremely hard line as a lot of their employees who call us are call centre agents themselves, and they feel they should know better.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:50, closed)

Captain
Fair enough, I was letting off steam too.

Essentially I was agreeing with you that abusive behaviour is bad and you shouldn't be subjected to it. However I was also trying to say that your post (rightly or wrongly) seemed like you were having a go at everyone who has to call call centres.

If nothing else this conversation and many others regarding call centres in this weeks QOTW just hightlight theres a big problem out there.
(Errorist, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:45, closed)

why on Earth would I?
I'd be out of a job if nobody called in. I really was only aiming at those who are extremely rude to my team. I can appreciate how it may have appeared to be all encompassing, but I also think this is QOTW, where people do bitch about their customers. But never mind. All's well that ends well, especially if it didn't start if the first place.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 17:51, closed)

You sir, are a twat of the highest order
I know people like you.
You work in call centres. You work your way 'up'.
How you can work your way 'up' in the modern day sweat house I don't know, but you seem to have managed it.
But, dear sir, you are a twat of the highest order and I hope for the rest in the realms of employment you stay working in a call centre, you seem rather proud of it...
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 18:28, closed)

Yo
I read the original post and it did seem to come across as a little bit bad attitude at first, however upon re-reading I think it's quite clear that it is laser beam focussed on the spacktards that do inevitably phone up call centres (to which I am an unfortunate witness to in a past life).

Also the profile pic of the original poster is awesome and sexyfun.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 19:31, closed)

poor cap'n!
do you need a hug??
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 20:10, closed)

I have to agree with Miss Wow.
People who use abusive or insulting language on the telephone, do it because they are cowards and they feel they are able to hide behind their receiver. It's almost the worst kind of cuntish cowardice.

It comes a close second behind directly and personally insulting people over the internet, of which there are a couple of shining examples in this thread.

GO KEYBD WARRIORZ!!1!!111 UR WELL QALIFIED FOR THAT JOBZ!!!1!!
( drbroon abloooobloobloo, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 21:38, closed)

This answer rocks
Having worked in a call centre I can relate to all of the above plus it's very rare where I would even bother hassling a manager unless I felt they had a valid case. It's all mouth and shout and more often or not the management would pass the customer back to us again as we would be the only ones able to fix the issue anyway.

Keep that boat sailing hun :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 22:25, closed)

I would like to say
That while I have never flown off the handle while on the phone, I can definitely see why some people get a little irate.

I went through a couple of months of utter hell, spending a good 2 hours a week on the phone to NTL trying to sort out a mistake they made when merging my accounts or some other nonsense. Repeated myself every single conversation, I knew what the problem was, I was told that it was being resolved several times and that various notes were dotted on my account but that didn't stop the debt collectors knocking on my bastard door. Was frustrating to the point that I am never going to use NTL as a provider.

Went through some pain with Comet a few months ago trying to send back an external hard drive that they charged me twice for too. But I've had some excellent experiences too - just re-ordered a lost drivers license, it literally took two minutes and the woman on the other end of the phone was very pleasent. I always really appreciate it when someone with a bit of enthusiasm sorts you quickly.
(slotbadger, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 9:02, closed)

I rang up a call centre yesterday about some broken stuff that had turned up...
The response, in a broad Yorks accent was "ooo bugger!"

This kept me smiling the rest of the day.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Wed 10 Sep 2008, 9:33, closed)

Yes yes yes
I have been a call centre monkey and the customers are most unpleasant.
(YayLady is cold, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 11:45, closed)

I do IT stuff for a callcenter
Make you right on every single point there and am always very polite when talking to an agent. I'm even polite with people who cold call me to the extent of explaining DMA & OFCOM regulations to them b4 very politely telling them to F Off if they are still hitting me with a sales pitch after that.
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 14:10, closed)