Short story.
On Tuesday I found out I am going to be a Dad!

Happy doesn't even come close to describing my mood! Things that would normally piss me off and have me screaming blue murder are shrugged off and forgotten. This zen like state is balanced out with the fact that I have no idea what to do next!

Girth? About that of a grain of rice, only 8 weeks gone you know! *wink*
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 15:28, 77 replies)

This will go in one ear ond out the other
right now, but in precisely 12 months time you will recall what I said and think 'Fuck me, he was right'.

One word.

SLEEP.

Get as much as you can.

It's a great thing becoming a Dad, you're going to really enjoy it, but the first year is knackering - and those people who say theirs slept through the night from the start - bollocks!
(username failed moderation, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 15:48, closed)

I spent our first pregnancy staying up late with beer and PlayStation.
No regrets! Much.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 15:57, closed)

managed to see all the ashes down under from 2010 thanks to the little un
they've got their uses.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:02, closed)

he's right.
my lad started sleeping through after 4 months though, ingeniously just in time for christmas.
but then kids pick up all sorts of illnesses when they really young, even a cold can keep them up most of the night. but when their immune system builds up and they sleep from 7pm until 7am, it's just awesome.
mainly because it means he's bright and breezy the next day not a a grumpy old sod like his dad...

and the mornings he sleeps in until 8.30am? awesome.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:00, closed)

Correct. Sleep whenever you can.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:12, closed)

Christ. What a bunch of frilly nancies.
We took our second to an all-nighter and left her behind the bar when she was about four weeks old. Both of them were camping at festivals before they were a year old. 90% of the panic and stress is self-inflicted. They're kids. They'll be grand.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:35, closed)

I was more knackered running round after an ill wife for weeks afterwards. The baby was fine.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:10, closed)

Bloody hell.
The thought of you reproducing ought to fill every right thinking man, woman, and child with a crippling sense of dread.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:44, closed)

Good point.
I'm a wealthy intellectual who's been in a stable relationship for nearly twenty years. I'm exactly the sort of person we should be discouraging from breeding.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:03, closed)

^ Irked.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:05, closed)

Wealthy intellectuals will be the first against the wall.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:09, closed)

Bummer.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:11, closed)

*bums*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 19:39, closed)

is there any other kind of intellectual?

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:21, closed)

Well, they are the best of all the animals.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:48, closed)

I hope you did a full Groucho eyebrow waggle while typing that.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:54, closed)

I almost took off.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 20:50, closed)

intellectual
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That cheered me up
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:07, closed)

Since I found out I have hardly slept a wink!
Cheers tho, will try my best!
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:45, closed)

You think that's bad.
Imagine how the biological father feels.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:04, closed)

*Captured from your webcam after you posted that witty comment*
gifs.com/9AJ
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 18:12, closed)

i hope for your partner's sake it was longer than a moment

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:02, closed)

Sex is going to be awkward for a few months, and then we'll never do it again.
Yay!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:10, closed)

hahaha

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:11, closed)

You may joke about this, but believe me, in 5 years time you'll wonder what your cock was for.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:21, closed)

I have three children.
My cock exists only as a target for their tiny fists.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:23, closed)

I still use mine for its primary and messy purpose.
Just ask your wife.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:29, closed)

Bit of the ol piss play eh Doc

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:01, closed)

Everybody loves a bit of yellow.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:04, closed)

Just think of all the little moments of joy
that your child will shit, piss and vom onto you.

And that's just the start.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:27, closed)

I've got two and
I can only remember being puked on once. Never been shat or pissed on.

Well, not by my kids anyway.
(username failed moderation, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:29, closed)

That would be what I used to do to the wife on a saturday night!
:)
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:47, closed)

Remember that bit when they told you that the risk of miscarriage is very high for the first ten weeks
and you shouldn't make too many plans or tell anybody outside your close family?

No. Clearly not.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:28, closed)

I wondered who'd bring this up.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:33, closed)

Why? It was obviously going to be me.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:36, closed)

You never fail to deliver, Doc.
Can I say "fall to deliver" in a pregnancy thread?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:39, closed)

Arf!
On this messageboard? it would be rude not to! :)
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:48, closed)

^not upset

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:54, closed)

I thought a dark and puerile sense of humor was a requisite for membership.
or do they let any old riff-raff join these days?
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:56, closed)

You'll do well, here.
At least until you upset someone.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:07, closed)

Nobody here actually knows me,
not told a soul otherwise.

I'm gonna find the next two weeks IRL a real struggle. :)

You guys don't mind me using you as a vent for my real life frustrations?
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:50, closed)

No probs.
You don't mind us mercilessly bullying you when your missus passes the source of this premature joy into a pub toilet and you sink into a hollow grief that nobody in the real world can properly sympathise with, right?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:03, closed)

oof.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:10, closed)

Just like the first time this happened with me and your mother.
I remember it well...

Thankfully you survived.
No matter what anyone else says, I'm proud of you!
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:10, closed)

Thanks, uncle Roy.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:28, closed)

15 all.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:35, closed)

Shambo has very strong arms
A legacy from when he dragged himself out of the abortion bucket
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:21, closed)

seriously, keep it to yourself for as long as possible
Miscarriages are incredibly common - they only seem rare because it's too upsetting to talk about them, and most people are smart enough to keep quiet until they're out of the danger zone (which self-perpetuates the perception that miscarriages are rare, but there you go).
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 23:51, closed)

Also
You are not going to be a "dad" you are going to be the bearer of some other blokes genetic material.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 16:57, closed)

On a slightly different note...
Frodo...
...is a ring barer.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:31, closed)

My top tip is to make the most of being able to go out without having to book a babysitter.

Always fancied trying out a meal in that pub down the road? Go now!
(anonybloke, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:27, closed)

In the last few weeks beforehand cook. Cook like you never have before. Make massive quantities of curry, bolognese, pies, casseroles etc. Freeze in to portions.
You'll bother be too knackered & short on time to cook once the baby arrives but your missus in particular will need to eat well afterwards.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:35, closed)

this

( zulu eh?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 22:22, closed)

This is good advice.
MODS! MODS! He's talking sense on qftw. Ban him.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 22:26, closed)

Nappy changing will alter you
you'll not bite your nails or be able to face faggots & peas until several months after the wee one can take themselves to the toilet and wipe their own arse.
Other than that, congratulations!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 17:53, closed)

Make friends with your mother in law, quick
You'll save a fortune on babysitting bills
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 20:45, closed)

Well, that was odd.
Read your story, thought "Hah, sucker", and promptly received similar news myself.

Fuck you, karma.


(congratulations!)
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 21:44, closed)

congratulations

( zulu eh?, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 22:23, closed)

Hah, sucker!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Jan 2014, 22:47, closed)

Congratulations!
Sucker! ;)
( Druss_The_Legend Splurge!, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 7:56, closed)

I don't know who this woman is,
but have to admire her for hedging her bets.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 9:44, closed)

PROTIP: she only exists inside his head.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 23:09, closed)

I'm guessing you won't be posting any stories this week
on account of being a dismal, joyless husk with a contraceptive personality.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 8:37, closed)

, said the spergy IT prick from Swindon with a line in digging up people's personal photos

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 23:11, closed)

Is this peculiar obsession of yours hung upon the fact that I once used a picture - taken at a b3ta b4sh, and subsequently hosted on a publicly-accessible image sharing site - to point out that you look/used to look a bit like staredog?

I genuinely have no idea where the Swindon bit comes from. So far as I recall, I've never even been to Swindon. I'm sure you'll have an engrossing explanation, though.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 23:39, closed)

Q. what is the best joke
A. quimception
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 23:44, closed)

Oh, right. If you redefine "lazily nicking and 'shopping an image someone put in their own b3ta profile" as "digging up people's personal photos", I guess I'm guilty as charged.

Hey ho.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 23:55, closed)

A2. ha-ha

you should totally file a patent for "pabulum" btw, as far as made-up words go it's pretty good
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 26 Jan 2014, 0:12, closed)

Have we segued onto "throwaway puns from last year" now? Jolly good. I presume you have some sort of point at the end of this little trip down memory lane.

I don't think I'd be very successful with your proposed patent. Even if you could patent words (you can't) - there's a fair amount of prior art. As you'd know if you owned a dictionary, or could work Google.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 26 Jan 2014, 0:25, closed)

you'll achieve nothing by vandalising online dictionaries, mate
A3. a petty moral crusade only the Sun and other pond-life might care about
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 26 Jan 2014, 0:48, closed)

If only there was a convenient way to link to all of my previous posts in one fell swoop. It'd save you an awful lot of trouble.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 26 Jan 2014, 1:13, closed)

Congratulations!
Read and print off all this advice.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 20:58, closed)

Thanks :) This will be number three (go, "the coil"!) so not quite the same level of excitement and terror that the OP is experiencing. Just wish it'd happened before I remodeled the interior of the house with the current number of incumbents in mind.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 23:42, closed)

Congratulations to you
and to you Happy Phantom
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 24 Jan 2014, 11:23, closed)

Congratulations!
Can I be an honorary granny?
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 25 Jan 2014, 21:00, closed)

Wahey! Congratulations!

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Mon 27 Jan 2014, 17:30, closed)

Congratulations on discovering that your wife's womb works,

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 27 Jan 2014, 18:25, closed)