I'm kinda in the middle of a lie of omission right now...
It could be months before this one plays out, but I have a secret and I want to tell it so bad I'm about busting. Apologies for epic length.

For the past few months I've been keeping an eye on the Humane Society and SPCA kitty listings. Animal shelters are in a bit of a pickle right now because of the economy. People are either moving and can't (/won't) take their pets with them, or they are truly so broke that they can't afford to care for their pets. There have been a lot of animals surrendered lately, especially senior cats. Luckily in my town there are great no-kill programs at the shelters, but the dreaded kitten season just happened. Shelters are stuffed to the brim, and relatively few of the adoptions are adult cats.

So a month ago I went kitty shopping. This one was totally by the book: I called my landlady, put down a pet deposit, and brought home Bell (name she came with, name suggestions welcome lest she forever be referred to as "kitty").



She's 6 years old, which decreased her odds of getting adopted. She had been there for three months and was starting to have some stress-related problems.

Two weeks ago, I impulse-adopted a second cat, Max.



He's 8 (officially "senior") and also had a three-month stint in the pen. However, he didn't take it so well and was suffering from serious kitty depression and related ailments by the time I adopted him. He'd lost weight because he quit eating for a while. Both kitties are pretty much back to 100% by now. It's amazing how quick having a home helps them out.

Max's adoption was not by the book. The landlady doesn't know about this one, but my larger concern is that my father will find out about it before he pays me back a few thou I loaned him (I know, I know, never lend money to relatives). My father tends to be an asshat about money, and he has previously pulled bullshit moves where he refuses to repay a loan because he doesn't approve of the lender's lifestyle and doesn't want to be an enabler.

It was hard enough to convince him that I could handle Bell, because I'm supposed to be concentrating on my school work and if I got a cat I'd spend too much time with it and then I'd fail out of all my classes and then I'd get kicked out of the University and I wouldn't be able to pay rent and then I'd be homeless because my own dad would be all "fuck you, I told you this would happen" and he'd take his loaner car back even though he doesn't live anywhere remotely NEAR here he would go out of his way to take it and put it in storage and then he'd be broke from buying the plane ticket out here and then everyone in my family's health would fail because of the stress of it all and we'd all die and then the universe would collapse in on itself because I'd done such a horrible thing and OH GOD IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

(Yes, that is a paraphrased version of what he yelled at me over the phone at the time, if any of you ever doubted the extent of my daddy issues)

If he found out I got a second cat there's a good chance he'd give himself a hernia thinking up end-of-the-universe scenarios and/or withhold my money thereby completely screwing me over for the Spring semester. So yeah, I'm trying to keep this one on the down-low until the 'rents come to visit for Christmas. Wish me luck, and adopt senior kitties!

Edit: OH GOD, MURPHY'S LAW GOT ME. Landlady just gave her 24-hour notification of inspection of the premises she has to do for refinancing her mortgage. The plot thickens!

Edit 2: Well that was about the shortest inspection known to man. I could have just stuck him in the bathroom, but instead I had to get all fancy and put him in a carrier hidden in the back of the car in the garage. Poor guy keeps following me around now.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 19:33, 15 replies)

Hmm, they look similar
Keep the olds full of Crimble cheer, keeps the cats in different rooms, they may just think it's the same one...
(Chicken Little This signature has been left blank., Mon 16 Aug 2010, 20:34, closed)

That's what I was thinking, actually
Though the first kitty has a pretty distinctive "soul patch"
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 21:06, closed)

No way a person could tell them apart, especially with how quickly cats move
If someone questions you, just say, "were you looking at my pussy?" The embarrassment alone will stop further inquiry.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 21:24, closed)

I'm not one to click
when someone puts up a picture of their pet, but that top picture is fantastic, legs akimbo! So, click.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 21:11, closed)

Easy lie
Just tell him that it's a neighbourhood cat that's adopted you. Anybody with half a brain knows cats have a tendency to do this anyway.

Alternatively, there's always Judge Judy.

As for a name, might I suggest Moriarty?
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 16 Aug 2010, 21:58, closed)

Are you suggesting she has less than half a brain?

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 22:06, closed)

Depends if she know this or not ;)

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 16 Aug 2010, 22:24, closed)

I can see why you like the name Moriarty. Just beware of waterfalls.

( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 22:57, closed)

Teh older kittehhhhhhhhhhhhs
they're bloody great.

We've taken on 2 this last year, having had up to 7 previously.
Personally, I would fill the house with'em.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 0:00, closed)

Lie, lie and more
Simple: you're keeping Max for your friend over the holidays.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 1:04, closed)

Get a mailsack, a couple of bricks, put the cat you like least and the bricks into the mailsack and take a walk to the nearest canal.
Problem solved.
Also, break your father's legs. It's the only way to teach him not to try to fuck with you over repayment.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 17 Aug 2010, 2:46, closed)

You'd do well on yahoo answers. Pretty much every question about a problem with a cat has at least one troll suggest this solution.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 4:57, closed)

It's a good solution.
At least I wasn't suggesting that they put the cat in a cage, bludgeon it half to death with a hammer and THEN drown it.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 17 Aug 2010, 5:27, closed)

The problem with people who make pathetic comments like this
is that they really do think they're being witty and lack the social skills to realise that the people reading it are rolling their eyes, thinking "twat".

There's nothing smart or funny about bullying or killing animals, it just makes those suggesting it look insecure.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:15, closed)

Yeah
Whereas seriously trying to deconstruct his 'argument' doesn't make you look like a twat at all. Not one bit

Good job
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:31, closed)

The problem with comments like that
Is he didn't suggest rape...
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:47, closed)

Oh my
There's a whole heap of "taking the internet way too seriously" going down here.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:15, closed)

That's the same cat
Did you photocopy your cat?
(teebie jeebie, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 11:08, closed)

cattery. overnight?
i help a friend take her 2 extra cats to the cattry every 8 weeks for her flat inspection. fun times!
(phe, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 13:38, closed)

So let me get this right....
YOU lent money to your dad - in order of thousands of (presumably) pounds.

HE starts kicking off about repaying WHAT HE OWES YOU because he DISAPPROVES OF YOUR LIFESTYLE because you decided to have a FKN CAT???

Is it only me who thinks how totally unreasonable this sounds? Like, batshit insane unreasonable??

Sounds like your dad has serious issues. I'd demand instant repayment in full and a total cessation of all contact if he ever passes comment on your lifestyle in future. I mean, what the fook would he do if you decided to do something really controversial like take up a musical instrument or start drinking tea???
(rampants, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 15:25, closed)

Give one of them a vicodin
and into the closet it goes. Problem Solved.
And if your daddy don't pay you, put him in a sack with some rocks and go down the nearest canal.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:48, closed)

me too!
OMG I did exactly the same thing...I was only meant to adopt 1, but they were brothers how can you seperate them? I asked my landlady about adopting 1 cat, but I now have 2...I crap myself every time she comes around. I normally just let the friendly one run around so as to avoid suspicion and then hide his brother in the bedroom!
(anonymous blonde, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 17:22, closed)

Just me that wonders...
Surely if the landlady is happy with one cat, two cats is hardly going to be a huge stretch for her...

At least until you go all old cat lady and end up owning 30 of them...
(442, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:06, closed)

A name... Hmmm.
How about 'Zelda' like off the Terrahawks? Or 'Snippy'? No, too cute. Dorothy Parker had a cat called 'Cliche'... but ironically quite a lot of people have cottoned on to that one and there are already perhaps too many Cliche's out there.
Erm, 'Sinitta'? 'Petit Filous'? 'Catamita'? Help me out here, people..
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 11:56, closed)

How about...
For the boy:

Moriarty, Sherlock, Ripley (as in Tom), Bateman (as in Patrick), or Hicks (as in... you can figure this one yourself). Just for us Brits, how about Felix?
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Wed 18 Aug 2010, 23:59, closed)