Puberty.
Oh yes, I know, everyone goes through hell. But most people come out of the other side.

Puberty came and went, and the expected changes happened. Voice deepened. Hair grew.

But one thing didn't.

And I realised, far too late, that I wasn't just 'a late developer', or a 'grower not a shower'.

I had a micropenis.

It's on wikipedia. Look it up, but it's pretty much what you'd imagine.

About 2.5 inches at most.

So there I am, despairing, when the AIDS thing comes along. The government puts out lots of leaflets and runs adverts about 'safer sex'. One of the main things it mentioned frequently was that "sex doesn't have to involve penetration - it can just as pleasurable for both partners with massage, touch, licking etc."

This gives me hope. Maybe things aren't so bad. Maybe I can still have relationships with women.

But there was one problem.

It was a lie.

I leave my shitty little boys school, and go to university. I start to meet women. Some of them like me.

I'm 19 the first time I go to bed with someone. I'm so lacking in confidence that I've avoided getting too involved before. But I like her - she seems relaxed and confident, and ready to take things slowly because I'm nervous.

I undress. She laughs. She leaves. I cry all night.

I try to put it down to experience. Maybe I misjudged her. Maybe other women will be OK. With other women, it will be OK. Please God it HAS to be OK.

I start relationships with other women. Most are sympathetic. "It's OK" they say, unconvincingly. "It's fine. We can do plenty of other things". And for a few weeks we do. But it's not fine. Eventually they all leave. Some make excuses. Some are honest - "it's just not enough for me". One or two find it funny to tell all their friends and snigger at me, waving their pinkies.

Each time I die a little inside. I realise I can't have relationships with women.

And I never have since. I have plenty of girl friends, but no girlfriends. And I have to turn some down when they want more. They think I don't like/fancy them or whatever. I lose a few friends over it.

As for me, I cope. I have a job, friends, a life. I know some of my friends think I'm gay because I never have a girlfriend. Sometimes they have conversations about 'coming out' while giving me meaningful looks. It's partly hilarious and partly tragic.

I cope. I have to. I have no choice. There's a Perry Bible Fellowship cartoon that sums up rather nicely how I feel most of the time:



The best way I can describe it is that I can imagine what it feels like to be illiterate. Lacking the ability to do something that is so common that it is deeply entwined with the way everyone lives their lives, yet having no visible 'disability'. And being deeply deeply ashamed.

I still feel the disappointment, the despair, the hopelessness of that moment of realisation when I was 16 - I still feel it 20 years later.

Apologies for lack of funny. I won't make a length joke either if it's all the same.
(ragged, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 19:00, 26 replies)

*sympathy*
I'm not sure I can properly sympathise without sharing your condition, but that's the same as anything...

To be honest, society and fashion has a lot to answer for. The ancient Greeks thought small penises were most attractive - look at their statues.

I never understand why straight guys obsess over other guy's penis sizes - it's not like you'll be interacting with them.

And I hope you don't give up on women, not all of them *need* constant sex in the traditional way.

Oh, and I know it's probably no help, but you don't have to be ashamed of something that you have no control over.

I found the TV miniseries 'Me and My Penis' (I think that's what it was called) fascinating - presented by a guy with micropenis. I recommend watching it if you haven't.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 19:17, closed)

^Agrees with Peregrin.
Don't give up on women. Obviously we cannot understand fully what you've been through but try to overcome your disappointment in us and keep looking.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 19:46, closed)

That is the saddest thing I have ever read
I am so sorry for you.

Agree with the other comments though, there's someone out there for you. Have you tried internet dating and declaring your condition in your profile, getting it out of the way first? Amongst the shite you get back, there might well be the one for whom penetrative sex is not the be all and end all.
(Super Jet Shoes, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 20:30, closed)

Go out with a good Christian type
Who doesn't do sex before marriage.
( Greenbat, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 20:35, closed)

Have a click
That's well written and thought provoking.

Good post.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 26 Jun 2008, 21:07, closed)

Yikes. My sympathies, dude.
I haven't got that problem myself, but I can imagine what it would feel like. Ouch.

There are some options of sorts, of course. I suspect that if you were completely up front and honest with a woman about it and found her to be reasonably open, you could opt for using a strap-on to satisfy her and then she could take care of you after, and you could have a reasonably satisfying sex life in that way... but what do I know? Not having been in your shoes, all I can do is guess and feel sympathy.

For an actual expert opinion, though. I would turn to Dan Savage of Savage Love fame- he has some medical experts he consults on things he can't answer properly himself. Just a thought...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 21:08, closed)

Hats off to you
For being so damned open and honest.

Society has a lot to answer for. I'm clicking, but it seems a bit perverse to do so.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:19, closed)

have a click
you can have my weiner too, its not that big either but i get too nervous to use it with anything other than my left hand
(Lovefist233 Bothering Sheep since..., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:26, closed)

Get a hooker
They dont laugh - they're professionals. Probably you've saved a mint not dating so you can afford a good un.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 23:07, closed)

There will be someone out there who is right for you. Sex is not the most important thing, and there ARE women out there who aren't only satisfied by penetration. And you say you sometimes have to turn down girls who are friends - surely they might be the most likely girls to understand anyway, since they were attracted to you as a person in the first place. Just a thought from a girl's point of view : )
(magenta may, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 23:21, closed)

*manly pats on back*
Epically written, deserves a *click*.

A friend of mine has a micro-penis, I found out through my ex who was friends with his ex. She blabbed when they split. So to partially compensate he set out to be the best at giving head. He's done well for himself since, big personality and breathes through his ears.

hope you find that someone soon. There is a B3tard on here who reckons she has the chuff of a 6 year old nun. Might be worth a squirt...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 23:24, closed)

I agree with the Loon
Dan Savage has great insight into issues like this. I suggest you check out one or two of his podcasts at thestranger.com/savage then send him an email (10 cool points if you manage to come up with a pseudonym that generates a really crude acronym).
(Vorlon, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 23:31, closed)

I wasn't gonna mention rachelswipe's confession
But...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 1:08, closed)

From a woman's perspective:
My ex-husband was exceedingly small in the pants department. He also lived with the laughing from women for many years and had some serious self-esteem issues because of it. But we had a fantastic sex life simply because we only had intercourse on rare occasions. All of our time was spent in foreplay and oral sex. The ex before him was over-endowed, but frankly, not able to satisfy me anywhere near as much as the ex-husband of the small penis could.

I've had many lovers over the years and my first choice is always a man with a smaller size because they are always far superior lovers.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 3:09, closed)

Welcome To B3ta..
.
On most other forums, you'd be torn to shreds for your confession. For something that isn't your fault.But not here.

Me trying to give advice would be presumptuous. Everything I could say you've probably already been through, a thousand times. So instead you have my sympathy and my hope that you eventually find someone.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 3:50, closed)

You are
more rock and roll than a lot of people, i am speechless at your bravery to tell such a touching story.
( Trollman, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 8:24, closed)

woo
on one hand, I'm inclined to do the automatic "internet with a pinch of salt" take on this, but I know it's a real condition and your story is either true and heartbreaking, or so skillfully written that I'm happy to be duped, so I'll assume it's real.

Firstly, you have my sympathies, it can't be an easy thing to cope with. Since this seems to be the b3ta sex thread for now, I may as well chuck in my own observations. I have a problem similar in nature to yours (though less debilitating). I was born with my urethra emerging halfway down my shaft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypospadias), making it impossible to pee standing up or have a reasonable chance of traditional baby-making. My parents took the decision to have it surgically corrected before I was erally old enough to know what was what (a decision I have since decided that I agree with, thankfully). This left me with a functional penis that looks weird as hell and is heavliy scarred - check out the pic on the Wikipedia site above for an example.

It took me years to get over the fear of showing it, and more than one girl has seen it and just been so turned off, she's said "It's weird, I'm not touching it." and left.

It's taken me 10 years to find someone who's comfortable with it that I also want to be with. I can only hope that the person for you is close by. I realise that anyone who doesn't have the experience you're going through can't truly understand it, but I'd urge you to not give up. There are ways and means to have a fulfilling sex life without relying heavily on penetrative intercourse, but you'll always feel as though they are 'not enough' unless you belive in yourself. And yes, I sound like Oprah, but it's true nonetheless.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 10:12, closed)

What to say?

Thank you for sharing this. I've shared some fairly intimate moments with the b3tards and always found it liberating. I can only hope that you do too. We can't change the world but we can offer clicks-a-plenty to show how much we feel for you.

I can also confirm that many a relationship is built on strong oral foundations, with penetration being very much a secondary option. It's fatuous to say that when you meet the right woman it will no longer matter, but live in hope and maybe one day you'll find a lady that will pursue you to the ends of the earth; if you do, give her a try.

*man hug*
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 11:31, closed)

Thank you
Thank you to those who have replied, and to those who sent me messages, for your kind and thoughtful responses.

It's interesting to hear from those women who don't particularly rate penetrative sex. Unfortunately I've never lucky enough to find any of you. The responses I had from women with whom I tried to form a physical relationship were fairly constant - what I could provide was fine, but not sufficient. As one said "Foreplay's fine, but with you it never goes anywhere, and I just get frustrated." Or as another put it more simply (I can still her her saying it in my mind's eye): "I did all that annoying fumbling stuff when I was a teenager. I want something more now."

What is more, a lot women in my agegroup (mid 30s) are starting to think about children, and although I suspect I could be a father with a bit of technical assistance, I hardly qualify as a good prospect.

Re: the internet dating suggestion, I'm now a little torn. I've always assumed that these services were used exclusively by griefers and those who are actively looking for sex, which made them totally unsuitable for me. Besides, as the original respondant said, I'm sure putting up a profile that said "Hi, I'm Ragged and I barely have a penis" would attract an avalanche of ridicule. I've had plenty of that in my time.

Thank you again for your responses.
(ragged, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 12:42, closed)

* clickyhugs *
Kudos for having the guts to share this with us.

Welcome to QOTW - where openness is encouraged and appreciated.

By the way, don't forget you also have fingers and a tongue.

I'm with Super Jet Shoes when he suggests putting it on your Internet Dating profile.

Re Internet dating:
"I've always assumed that these services were used exclusively by griefers and those who are actively looking for sex"

Speaking as someone who has used Internet dating before, there are many genuine people out there after something serious. You've just got to be persistent.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 23:07, closed)

:(
I hope you don't really give up so dejectedly.

I mean, maybe there's only one person in the world for you, but that's also the romantic ideal isn't it? That there's one person out there that you belong with. And goddam lesbians make things work with their little clitori and strap-ons.

But then again that may be bullshit and actually the whole idea of needing sex and a partner may be bullshit as well. Jiddu Krishnamurti has some interesting things to say about an austerity and chastity that sounds nothing like the painful fucking ordeal an institution like the catholic church wants to put you through. Lao Tsu as well poitned to a pretty workable and desirable model for life without sex.

I don't know though.

If all else fails, I also vote for hookers. Get yours done and fuck everyone else.
( hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 0:27, closed)

Those...
...who laugh at you do not deserve you as a person. I doubt many of them actually have gone on to lead the lives they crave.

Not that the above may be a particularly effective consolation to you personally, but it has got me through several low points in relationships.

I wish you all the very best, she'll appear when you least expect it.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 21:10, closed)

Strewth...
You sir to me are more man than anyone who harps on about their 12" wonders (which is most of the time rubbish I'm sure). I'll never comprehend the obsession with size, since most ladies can't readily accomodate much more than 7" or so I'm lead to believe, which is roughly around general size anyway, so why want for more?

Regardless, I wish you the best in all your endeavours, lord knows you deserve a decent break.
(Impuritan, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 0:09, closed)

Wow
That was impressively honest and very well written.

The women who have laughed and left aren't the ones for you, they deserve to feel tenfold the pain they inflicted on you. But what goes around comes around, I'm sure karma caught up with them.

There will be a woman out there who will love you for your soul not your body, don't give up. If every man I've undressed in front of had been put off by an inherent lacking in the chest department I'm sure I would feel as you do now, I know it hurt like hell the times that did happen. But luckily not everyone is as shallow as the people you've been unfortunate enough to be faced with.

Keep your spirits up!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:17, closed)

Good sir!
You mentioned in your comment below that you've had many responses from women who don't enjoy penetrative sex. I promise they aren't lies! My own nether geography is a bit funny, making penetration either "is anything happening in there?" or "OW OW WTF GET OUT." And I have a boyfriend who just kind of rolls with it. Hurrah for non-simultaneous getting-off, I say.

You're apt to acknowledge that you're not the only one facing this kind of issue. And now you have the best means ever of getting beyond it.

The internet!

I know a healthy handful of women who are just not there on the penetrative sex thing, and I'm just one person. Imagine how many the internet knows! It helps that I generally hang out with a shiny-happy-sex-positive crowd, who aren't afraid of Toys In Babeland and kink. Given your experience, you're probably not into humiliation (good lord, I don't blame you. people are jerks.), but there is totally a lady or seven who'd love to play some games with you. Would you be offended if she used some sort of rubber thingy every so often? I bet you can work something out to your mutual delight.

Har. Now I want to play matchmaker.

No length joke. Certainly a verbosity joke, though!
(tinyninja, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 13:48, closed)

for once i am lost for words
for what its worth though you've taught me one thing - i will never complain about my body again

i dont like my pot belly - so fine i'll sort it

dont lose hope, i'm sure on day you'll meet the right person and it simply wont be an issue

most women on here will also tell you with most blokes the bigger their cock is the more of a prick they are - lazy in bed, put it about, arrogant etc

good luck mate
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 12:57, closed)